in the great tradition of two-part thoughts..
on Christmas.
part i.: destructive
this evening I joined my family for a candlelight service at the church they've attended for the past two years. it's a place where I've always felt that something was awry - an intuitive reaction in my gut that something was wrong. and I mean a deeper sense of wrong than the involuntary wincing from the cliche four-chord 'praise songs' and 'three-bullet-point sermons.' tonight, I now know what the root of that sense was, for it was revealed with such gusto and enthusiasm that willful delusion is its only inhibitor.
or put another way, I have never felt a stronger urge to step up from a pew during 'worship,' walk toward the podium of a church, grab a microphone, and perform a small reenactment of Jesus-in-the-temple. truthfully, I wish I had.
or perhaps I am wrong. perhaps the proper way to honor the Christ for Whom we celebrate Christmas is by invoking the timeless, Jesus-first classics of "jingle bells" and "sleigh ride." perhaps the reason why Jesus Christ humbly came into His creation was to make us happy and 'shine light into our dark times.' perhaps the darkness He came to shine light into is really the doubt, distress, and disappointment inflicted on us by an unkind fate. perhaps Jesus Christ, the executed Lord of glory, is really nothing more than a tool for our benefit when we don't feel awesome. perhaps there is no place for fear in life, least of all towards the consuming-God-of-the-Angel-armies. perhaps the best way for the bride of Christ to honor her future Husband is by focusing on Him as little as possible, and when forced by pretense to speak of Him, to manipulate and transform her Saviour into a Rescuer-from-psychological-anxiety (for is this Jesus not more palatable to an unbelieving world?).
or as I should have learned from last week's service at another church, perhaps Christ came to earth to give us joy and help us to be thankful and kind to one another. perhaps that's the reason that mankind - US! - abused, tormented, despised, condemned, mocked, and unjustly executed the innocent and loving Son of the Living God. to help us to be thankful; to make our frustrating times a little happier.
have no doubt, my reader, that Christ accomplishes all of these things. but surely pagans recognize that this - the idea that He came, lived, suffered, died, and was resurrected primarily for these things alone - is a mockery and a foolishness beyond words! it is traitorous adultery, mindless delusion, and willful rejection of Christ as He is - for how else can we replace Him with a worthless idol/shadow of the true Christ? (or, as the men whose teaching I relate above suggest, a shadow of even a mere man! for what man would we, should he have given his life over to destruction for helping make people more thankful or brighter, not justly hold his goal as at most a sad pagan self-sacrifice, let alone an act worthy of worship? even an atheist sees this madness for what it is, in spite of his venom.)
in the theologically magnificent words of my younger sister: "what the hell?"
the one thing of Christianity, the only lesson it teaches (wherein it teaches all lessons to be taught) is the Gospel (to which the second part of this thought will be given). what was spoken tonight.. could not be legitimately called drivel. my dear reader, when you hear words about Jesus, when you hear Christians and non-Christians alike speak of Who He was and what He did, take heed. for many churches and many enemies of the church have said volumes about the Jesus-of-their-beliefs, rather than the Jesus who walked the Judean countryside two thousand years ago.
and it is that Jesus, the crucified, incarnate Logos of the immortal Father Who matters most - Jesus as He truly was, is, and will be.
God have mercy on us all.
24.12.06
22.12.06
and now for something a tad different..
a progressive ballad (draft i.)
behind moments
of piercing light,
everpresent
grey clouds reason,
hope, emotion,
and that other.
this is 'the life
under the sun' -
no conclusions,
only a morass
of distrustful,
poor 'evidence.'
what to conclude,
what do we see
fro the mere breath
of sense and space?
our fate is a
night of twilight.
discovery:
the twilight is
not a limit,
but rather Truth
in the absence
of any other.
(at least any
we can verify.)
to claim a god,
even The God
is then a show
and denial
of the only
Truth we can show.
the lack of proof
itself a proof,
or even a
complete disproof -
what do I care?
irrelevant.
passing from a
question of truth
to a matter
of convenience
and coherence,
I see no need.
it has passed to
the subjective:
unanswerable
questions that have
no bearing on
my moral life.
for morality
is still a goal -
and a noble one!
why shouldn't it?
to disobey
your conscience
is an act of
inward treason.
whether I cloak
it in a shroud
of 'reason' or
social contract -
whatever words
conceal the cause,
I have still found
the long-sought goal.
morality and
no God in sight.
'a mind awake'
is terrifying,
but a conscience
life-shattering.
no god in sight,
but the conscience
must be appeased,
be satisfied.
with nothing more
than a dark fog
at his command,
what higher truth
does man possess
than this rela-
tive, entirely
progressive thought?
ancients spoke thus:
'fear of the LORD
is the begin-
ing of wisdom.'
let us be clear:
never was a
more backwards and
primitive thought
captured by the
record of men.
the label is just
and the contempt
absent of fault,
for religion
of hate and fear
is exericse
of rhetoric
by sacred priests.
elaborate
unnecessary
and militant
imposition
of one conscience
and so much more.
a benefit of
having no faith
unsubstantiate
is that I know
the bounds of
my grey beliefs.
tolerance comes
automatic
and I am thus
free from the one
universally
agreed grievance.
but I cannot
take credit for
this great light-burst.
instead I will
humbly exalt
the winding of
history and
my experiences,
random yet wise;
with these in mind,
self-righteousness
is beyond me.
a Christian said
'without immortality,
everything is permitted.'
here is an abyss,
something that
we dare not draw
near to.
the anarchy
of conscience is
progressive as
long as it is
not taken too
seriously.
it requires
composure, a
courage that can
quickly leave
if you unwisely
plug the depths
of genuine
anarchy.
but if we take a
swift step back,
we see that this
is merely an
example of
natural law:
all things found in
moderation.
I know of no
other way to
escape this piece
of incomplete
reductio
ad absurdum.
ev'ry honest
belief has a
god in function.
in sum, my god
is certainly
not what they, in
arrogance call
the God of gods.
unable to
place the crown
on a mere man's brow,
I set it on
the mantle of
no-God-conscience.
anything else
is backwards fear
or idolatry.
a quiet word
softly comes: to some
contemptible,
but I regard
it a noble
defense of will,
a rebellion.
behind moments
of piercing light,
everpresent
grey clouds reason,
hope, emotion,
and that other.
this is 'the life
under the sun' -
no conclusions,
only a morass
of distrustful,
poor 'evidence.'
what to conclude,
what do we see
fro the mere breath
of sense and space?
our fate is a
night of twilight.
discovery:
the twilight is
not a limit,
but rather Truth
in the absence
of any other.
(at least any
we can verify.)
to claim a god,
even The God
is then a show
and denial
of the only
Truth we can show.
the lack of proof
itself a proof,
or even a
complete disproof -
what do I care?
irrelevant.
passing from a
question of truth
to a matter
of convenience
and coherence,
I see no need.
it has passed to
the subjective:
unanswerable
questions that have
no bearing on
my moral life.
for morality
is still a goal -
and a noble one!
why shouldn't it?
to disobey
your conscience
is an act of
inward treason.
whether I cloak
it in a shroud
of 'reason' or
social contract -
whatever words
conceal the cause,
I have still found
the long-sought goal.
morality and
no God in sight.
'a mind awake'
is terrifying,
but a conscience
life-shattering.
no god in sight,
but the conscience
must be appeased,
be satisfied.
with nothing more
than a dark fog
at his command,
what higher truth
does man possess
than this rela-
tive, entirely
progressive thought?
ancients spoke thus:
'fear of the LORD
is the begin-
ing of wisdom.'
let us be clear:
never was a
more backwards and
primitive thought
captured by the
record of men.
the label is just
and the contempt
absent of fault,
for religion
of hate and fear
is exericse
of rhetoric
by sacred priests.
elaborate
unnecessary
and militant
imposition
of one conscience
and so much more.
a benefit of
having no faith
unsubstantiate
is that I know
the bounds of
my grey beliefs.
tolerance comes
automatic
and I am thus
free from the one
universally
agreed grievance.
but I cannot
take credit for
this great light-burst.
instead I will
humbly exalt
the winding of
history and
my experiences,
random yet wise;
with these in mind,
self-righteousness
is beyond me.
a Christian said
'without immortality,
everything is permitted.'
here is an abyss,
something that
we dare not draw
near to.
the anarchy
of conscience is
progressive as
long as it is
not taken too
seriously.
it requires
composure, a
courage that can
quickly leave
if you unwisely
plug the depths
of genuine
anarchy.
but if we take a
swift step back,
we see that this
is merely an
example of
natural law:
all things found in
moderation.
I know of no
other way to
escape this piece
of incomplete
reductio
ad absurdum.
ev'ry honest
belief has a
god in function.
in sum, my god
is certainly
not what they, in
arrogance call
the God of gods.
unable to
place the crown
on a mere man's brow,
I set it on
the mantle of
no-God-conscience.
anything else
is backwards fear
or idolatry.
a quiet word
softly comes: to some
contemptible,
but I regard
it a noble
defense of will,
a rebellion.
15.10.06
some days..
are lonelier than others.
alas.
---
the fact of the matter is that I feel that pain, yet react either with foolish indulgence or with cowardly distraction.
a sin: to dwell in suffering via melodramatic poetics. to roll the pain around inside the heart, examining it from all angles; building up the sense of injustice or magnifying the frustration beyond its original form. the fault: idolatry, pride; the elevation of the despair's seeming solution to the status of saviour. a woman is not the solution to my heart's cry nor will she be my redeemer.
another sin: to walk away from suffering and hardship by laughter and calculated revelry. [to lay down the movement of infinity for the incomplete joy of a moment] parties, jokes and laughter are important and good; in their healthy form, they give perspective, not innoculation.
a more subtle sin: to feel pain, recognize that it's solution is beyond my hands, and then [the critical moment is here] set the matter aside (perhaps even "unto God") under the reasoning that it's outside my control.
fact: 'it is not good for man to be alone.'
consequence: frustration; tension; pain.
to rely on God in pain is a confrontation, a shooting war.
giving unconfronted pain to God is a lie.
---
I have seen many things. I have seen marriage in springtime and divorce amidst flowers. I have seen lovers' joy found in unknown war. I have seen love, the appearance of love, and the mockery of love - revealed in a couple within three moments. I have seen love come and give life anew; I have watched it die and poison all those near. I have seen the illusions of youthful words and the venom of aged hate. I have seen an evil man uncaring for any woman adored by many. I have seen a kind woman cry softly in the night, wishing for comfort and never finding it. I have seen the contempt of love rewarded with affection and the pursuit of love greeted with blood.
and I have seen it fade away as mist under the sun. as something that has substance only in darkness before the dawn.
---
what a piece of unjust shit.
seen through the eyes of an undeserving man - idolatrous and murderous - the whole matter is a spectacle. and that through a mere human's eyes.
how God's heart must break.
may my heart be broken alongside Christ's.
---
some days are lonelier than others. may we not run away from those days, lest our act of "trusting God" be mere emotional masturbation.
alas.
---
the fact of the matter is that I feel that pain, yet react either with foolish indulgence or with cowardly distraction.
a sin: to dwell in suffering via melodramatic poetics. to roll the pain around inside the heart, examining it from all angles; building up the sense of injustice or magnifying the frustration beyond its original form. the fault: idolatry, pride; the elevation of the despair's seeming solution to the status of saviour. a woman is not the solution to my heart's cry nor will she be my redeemer.
another sin: to walk away from suffering and hardship by laughter and calculated revelry. [to lay down the movement of infinity for the incomplete joy of a moment] parties, jokes and laughter are important and good; in their healthy form, they give perspective, not innoculation.
a more subtle sin: to feel pain, recognize that it's solution is beyond my hands, and then [the critical moment is here] set the matter aside (perhaps even "unto God") under the reasoning that it's outside my control.
fact: 'it is not good for man to be alone.'
consequence: frustration; tension; pain.
to rely on God in pain is a confrontation, a shooting war.
giving unconfronted pain to God is a lie.
---
I have seen many things. I have seen marriage in springtime and divorce amidst flowers. I have seen lovers' joy found in unknown war. I have seen love, the appearance of love, and the mockery of love - revealed in a couple within three moments. I have seen love come and give life anew; I have watched it die and poison all those near. I have seen the illusions of youthful words and the venom of aged hate. I have seen an evil man uncaring for any woman adored by many. I have seen a kind woman cry softly in the night, wishing for comfort and never finding it. I have seen the contempt of love rewarded with affection and the pursuit of love greeted with blood.
and I have seen it fade away as mist under the sun. as something that has substance only in darkness before the dawn.
---
what a piece of unjust shit.
seen through the eyes of an undeserving man - idolatrous and murderous - the whole matter is a spectacle. and that through a mere human's eyes.
how God's heart must break.
may my heart be broken alongside Christ's.
---
some days are lonelier than others. may we not run away from those days, lest our act of "trusting God" be mere emotional masturbation.
14.10.06
contempt for human life
A recently published study by The Lancet has made a lot of news by claiming a total civilian casualty count of over 650,000 deaths in Iraq over the past three and a half years.
Claim:
(i.) This study constitutes a deliberate and blatantly clear misrepresentation of civilian death in Iraq.
(ii.) As such, this study's agency is the death of innocent civilians towards political ends.
---
Consider Japan, 1943-1945:
~600,000 civilian casualties, the product of
- the only two wartime nuclear bombings in human history
- deliberate (and indiscriminate) firebombing campaigns against poorly built, wooden civilian targets
- attacks against civilian infrastructure with vectors far less precise than modern guided bombing
- loss of aforementioned infrastructure (i.e. sanitation, medical, et al effects)
- massive extended ground warfare in Okinawa (~100,000 casualties) and elsewhere.
...
Important note: the Lancet claim is more than an order of magnitude higher than the nearest (mildly credible) report. Sort of like measuring the length of your hand to be a meter long, and not after its been steamrolled.
---
Final note: deliberately misrepresenting civilian death as a means of 'advocacy' for the departed is neither just nor merciful. It is a transparent act of rivalry that subjects the death of thousands to the temporary goals of the self-righteous bystanders.
Claim:
(i.) This study constitutes a deliberate and blatantly clear misrepresentation of civilian death in Iraq.
(ii.) As such, this study's agency is the death of innocent civilians towards political ends.
---
Consider Japan, 1943-1945:
~600,000 civilian casualties, the product of
- the only two wartime nuclear bombings in human history
- deliberate (and indiscriminate) firebombing campaigns against poorly built, wooden civilian targets
- attacks against civilian infrastructure with vectors far less precise than modern guided bombing
- loss of aforementioned infrastructure (i.e. sanitation, medical, et al effects)
- massive extended ground warfare in Okinawa (~100,000 casualties) and elsewhere.
...
Important note: the Lancet claim is more than an order of magnitude higher than the nearest (mildly credible) report. Sort of like measuring the length of your hand to be a meter long, and not after its been steamrolled.
---
Final note: deliberately misrepresenting civilian death as a means of 'advocacy' for the departed is neither just nor merciful. It is a transparent act of rivalry that subjects the death of thousands to the temporary goals of the self-righteous bystanders.
4.10.06
brief update + hint of further thoughts
From our dining room table in Ballard:
Life is crazy right now. Fall quarter just started up last Wednesday (boo yah) and consequently my time has vanished.. for now. Since my last posting, we had:
- trip with Ian/Nathan to the Enchantments; unearthly beauty.
- Erica's wedding; solid celebration, so many loved ones.
- trip to Spokane to visit the Soundview family; also, so many loved ones..
- new quarter of classes.
Tomorrow shall be a good day in actuality and subjective perception: my sister's coming up and we'll:
1. make bomb curry to celebrate her 17th birthday
2. go out to see Derek Webb thereafter.
Looks like Klump and Jonathan will be able to make it too. Awesome.
---
This weekend I want to spent some time and flesh out some thoughts of late.
i.) Meditation on "His grace is sufficient for me"
ii.) Creating as an ever-present, dynamic aspect of God's character
iii.) The idolatry of balance (and thereby moralism)
iv.) Wrestles with how Jesus would have dealt with mass murder..
v.) Thoughts on abiding in the love of God and thereby loving God
For now, from the pen of Soren Kierkegaard:
"Through the conceiving of Christianity as doctrine, the situation in Christendom has become utter confusion, and the definition of what it is to be a Christian has become almost indistinguishable. Therefore Christ as the prototype must be advanced, but not in order to alarm - yet it is perhaps an altogether superfluous concern that anyone could be alarmed by Christianity nowadays - but in any case not in order to alarm; we ought to learn that from the experience of the earlier times. No, the prototype must be advanced in order at least to procure some respect for Christianity, to make somewhat distinguishable what it means to be a Christian, to get Christianity moved out of the realm of scientific scholarship and doubt and nonsense (objective) and into the realm of the subjective, where it belongs just as surely as the Savior of the world, our Lord Jesus Christ, did not bring any doctrine into the world and never delivered lectures, but as the prototype required imitation, yet by his reconciliation expels, if possible, all anxiety from a person's soul."
Life is crazy right now. Fall quarter just started up last Wednesday (boo yah) and consequently my time has vanished.. for now. Since my last posting, we had:
- trip with Ian/Nathan to the Enchantments; unearthly beauty.
- Erica's wedding; solid celebration, so many loved ones.
- trip to Spokane to visit the Soundview family; also, so many loved ones..
- new quarter of classes.
Tomorrow shall be a good day in actuality and subjective perception: my sister's coming up and we'll:
1. make bomb curry to celebrate her 17th birthday
2. go out to see Derek Webb thereafter.
Looks like Klump and Jonathan will be able to make it too. Awesome.
---
This weekend I want to spent some time and flesh out some thoughts of late.
i.) Meditation on "His grace is sufficient for me"
ii.) Creating as an ever-present, dynamic aspect of God's character
iii.) The idolatry of balance (and thereby moralism)
iv.) Wrestles with how Jesus would have dealt with mass murder..
v.) Thoughts on abiding in the love of God and thereby loving God
For now, from the pen of Soren Kierkegaard:
"Through the conceiving of Christianity as doctrine, the situation in Christendom has become utter confusion, and the definition of what it is to be a Christian has become almost indistinguishable. Therefore Christ as the prototype must be advanced, but not in order to alarm - yet it is perhaps an altogether superfluous concern that anyone could be alarmed by Christianity nowadays - but in any case not in order to alarm; we ought to learn that from the experience of the earlier times. No, the prototype must be advanced in order at least to procure some respect for Christianity, to make somewhat distinguishable what it means to be a Christian, to get Christianity moved out of the realm of scientific scholarship and doubt and nonsense (objective) and into the realm of the subjective, where it belongs just as surely as the Savior of the world, our Lord Jesus Christ, did not bring any doctrine into the world and never delivered lectures, but as the prototype required imitation, yet by his reconciliation expels, if possible, all anxiety from a person's soul."
6.9.06
quals & incomprehensibility
From a table at Verite Coffee in Ballard:
Qualifying exams start in eight days. At which point we can be tested on, well, *anything* that we should have learned including a large variety of things which we should have been taught (*cough* rehr *cough*) but weren't. Alas. Rather scary.
*September 13th-
- 0900 - Quantum Mechanics
- 1200 - Statistical Mechanics
- 1500 - Superbasic
*September 14th-
- 0900 - Electrodynamics
- 1200 - Classical Mechanics
With the exception of Hamilton-Jacobi theory and anharmonic quasi-frequencies, classical is done. So far, I've been able to complete every quantum test I've tried in less than 20-40 minutes with ~98% accuracy...
Brief digression: I've noticed consistently low expectations for students' abilities to *do* quantum since the beginning of undergrad, continuing through the present. Which is really quite sad. I don't know if that's a reflection of poor intuition for how quantum systems operate or the non-analytic solubility of most quantum problems, but either way it's dissapointing. Or perhaps I'm just really arrogant.
Similar feelings on the Superbasic (thorough knowledge of intro + modern). This leaves E/M and SM. I've spent most of the past week on E/M and have it up to the acceptable level of preparation.. which leaves me near-terrified about statmech. Fortunately, it looks like the next week is going to be the biggest crash course in my life to finally *really* learn what we should have understood after taking a freaking course in the subject during winter quarter. Thank God for the remaining time given.
---
In other recent news:
- Jim got his massive fish tank. It lights up our living room quite splendidly. He also just got a weight bench & such.. in the apparent hope of working out.
- We also just got a pullup bar. I confess I didn't know you could install them in your home until now.. and I'm really quite happy to be so presently informed. Pullups are a blessed gift straight from the Throne.
- Just finished campsitting for Dave/Sarah last week while they went off for a wedding. Was great for all concerned. 'Twas mighty nice to spend time on site.. and on the Woods. I need to get out there after quals and have some serious time at the waterfront with Jesus..
- Kathryn came up this past weekend.. I wish I didn't have to study for most of the time, but we still had a good amount of fun. She's maturing fast. I want to say that I can see God growing her in profound ways.. but I can't quite enumerate/articulate them definitively. Doesn't mean it isn't true though.
- Upon the longstanding recommendation from several folks, Jim and I picked up the first four episodes of '24' a couple nights ago from Hollywood video. Holy crap. Kathryn pointed out how much it pulled Jim/me into it.. apparently Jim bites his cuticles and I start going crazy playing with my beard when we're tense and don't think anyone's watching.
- Got to visit UPS for a bit last week... I'm really happy that folks are back. I look forward to going down as soon as possible.. Bryan is particularly on my mind and heart right now. God be with Him and make his way straight.
---
And now for a theological digresson:
In intellectual pursuits, it is revealing that the stated goal of the study of a subject is often to attain *mastery* of it. This mastery is perhaps best seen in the concise description of complicated abstractions therein and the competent defense of particular viewpoints within the whole. As a 20's-something male, I can attest to the sense of power that comes with both of the above. However, the interesting consequence is that this 'mastery' implies subset inclusion. In other words, subjects or aspects therein that I have mastered are smaller than me in the sense of understanding. To use more martial vocabulary, 'mastered' understanding is tantamount to conquest over the subject matter and the revelation of self-capacity. It need not proceed to contempt, but this certainly happens more often than not.
An interesting investigation from here involves looking at how God wants to keep us humble in the midst of intellectual pursuits where the 'mastery' involved is not illusory. However, let's go to something a little bigger.
I am unable to simultaneously be honest and competently defend things beyond my mastery: I must choose one or the other. But what of God and Jesus? Can I honestly claim to have mastered the knowledge and wisdom of God? Absolutely not.
All of my attempts to intellectually defend Christ are nothing more than the expression of contempt and foolish arrogance.
Perhaps a dry way of looking at this (but still with power) is via epistemology or the process of knowledge-gathering. The progression of the questions of Christianity for which we need knowledge goes thus:
1. Is there a God?
2. What is our relationship to Him?
3. If broken, how broken? If good, how good?
4. If broken, can it be reconciled? If, then how?
At every point, firm knowledge requires revelation. There is simply no other tool available. The measurement of internal parameters offers only speculation as to what lies outside. At this point, atheists rely on whatever a priori tools they can find to justify the epistemological leap of declaring the impasse to in fact constitute disproof. Agnostics may remain intellectually consistent by recognizing the possibility of revelation juxtaposed against an apparent lack (brought on by self-ignorance or genuine ignorance) of revelation. And Christians..
How is one to go and advocate an answer to any of the above questions with worldly means when their resolution demands revelation? Such intention is madness.
Thus informed, apologetics and the advocacy of our faith requires us to start at this simple fact: the revelation that is Christianity is incomprehensible to human understanding. The depths of sin are infinitely beyond anything that worldly wisdom can tell us. Consequently, the fulness of grace is also infinitely beyond human conception.
NOTE: This applies just as well for Christians as for non-Christians. The simple posession of words to describe evident phenomena does not imply understanding of the mechanism that produces them.
The resulting incomprehensibility of the Gospel and Jesus are utterly needed in our relationship with Christ and our presentation of His work to the unbelieving world.
And thus true and full wonder is sparked. Or rather lightning-bolted. And thus also our love for Jesus is made more of what it should be.
"Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those who believe, Christ the power of God and wisdom of God." - I Corinthians 1:17 (I think)
Qualifying exams start in eight days. At which point we can be tested on, well, *anything* that we should have learned including a large variety of things which we should have been taught (*cough* rehr *cough*) but weren't. Alas. Rather scary.
*September 13th-
- 0900 - Quantum Mechanics
- 1200 - Statistical Mechanics
- 1500 - Superbasic
*September 14th-
- 0900 - Electrodynamics
- 1200 - Classical Mechanics
With the exception of Hamilton-Jacobi theory and anharmonic quasi-frequencies, classical is done. So far, I've been able to complete every quantum test I've tried in less than 20-40 minutes with ~98% accuracy...
Brief digression: I've noticed consistently low expectations for students' abilities to *do* quantum since the beginning of undergrad, continuing through the present. Which is really quite sad. I don't know if that's a reflection of poor intuition for how quantum systems operate or the non-analytic solubility of most quantum problems, but either way it's dissapointing. Or perhaps I'm just really arrogant.
Similar feelings on the Superbasic (thorough knowledge of intro + modern). This leaves E/M and SM. I've spent most of the past week on E/M and have it up to the acceptable level of preparation.. which leaves me near-terrified about statmech. Fortunately, it looks like the next week is going to be the biggest crash course in my life to finally *really* learn what we should have understood after taking a freaking course in the subject during winter quarter. Thank God for the remaining time given.
---
In other recent news:
- Jim got his massive fish tank. It lights up our living room quite splendidly. He also just got a weight bench & such.. in the apparent hope of working out.
- We also just got a pullup bar. I confess I didn't know you could install them in your home until now.. and I'm really quite happy to be so presently informed. Pullups are a blessed gift straight from the Throne.
- Just finished campsitting for Dave/Sarah last week while they went off for a wedding. Was great for all concerned. 'Twas mighty nice to spend time on site.. and on the Woods. I need to get out there after quals and have some serious time at the waterfront with Jesus..
- Kathryn came up this past weekend.. I wish I didn't have to study for most of the time, but we still had a good amount of fun. She's maturing fast. I want to say that I can see God growing her in profound ways.. but I can't quite enumerate/articulate them definitively. Doesn't mean it isn't true though.
- Upon the longstanding recommendation from several folks, Jim and I picked up the first four episodes of '24' a couple nights ago from Hollywood video. Holy crap. Kathryn pointed out how much it pulled Jim/me into it.. apparently Jim bites his cuticles and I start going crazy playing with my beard when we're tense and don't think anyone's watching.
- Got to visit UPS for a bit last week... I'm really happy that folks are back. I look forward to going down as soon as possible.. Bryan is particularly on my mind and heart right now. God be with Him and make his way straight.
---
And now for a theological digresson:
In intellectual pursuits, it is revealing that the stated goal of the study of a subject is often to attain *mastery* of it. This mastery is perhaps best seen in the concise description of complicated abstractions therein and the competent defense of particular viewpoints within the whole. As a 20's-something male, I can attest to the sense of power that comes with both of the above. However, the interesting consequence is that this 'mastery' implies subset inclusion. In other words, subjects or aspects therein that I have mastered are smaller than me in the sense of understanding. To use more martial vocabulary, 'mastered' understanding is tantamount to conquest over the subject matter and the revelation of self-capacity. It need not proceed to contempt, but this certainly happens more often than not.
An interesting investigation from here involves looking at how God wants to keep us humble in the midst of intellectual pursuits where the 'mastery' involved is not illusory. However, let's go to something a little bigger.
I am unable to simultaneously be honest and competently defend things beyond my mastery: I must choose one or the other. But what of God and Jesus? Can I honestly claim to have mastered the knowledge and wisdom of God? Absolutely not.
All of my attempts to intellectually defend Christ are nothing more than the expression of contempt and foolish arrogance.
Perhaps a dry way of looking at this (but still with power) is via epistemology or the process of knowledge-gathering. The progression of the questions of Christianity for which we need knowledge goes thus:
1. Is there a God?
2. What is our relationship to Him?
3. If broken, how broken? If good, how good?
4. If broken, can it be reconciled? If, then how?
At every point, firm knowledge requires revelation. There is simply no other tool available. The measurement of internal parameters offers only speculation as to what lies outside. At this point, atheists rely on whatever a priori tools they can find to justify the epistemological leap of declaring the impasse to in fact constitute disproof. Agnostics may remain intellectually consistent by recognizing the possibility of revelation juxtaposed against an apparent lack (brought on by self-ignorance or genuine ignorance) of revelation. And Christians..
How is one to go and advocate an answer to any of the above questions with worldly means when their resolution demands revelation? Such intention is madness.
Thus informed, apologetics and the advocacy of our faith requires us to start at this simple fact: the revelation that is Christianity is incomprehensible to human understanding. The depths of sin are infinitely beyond anything that worldly wisdom can tell us. Consequently, the fulness of grace is also infinitely beyond human conception.
NOTE: This applies just as well for Christians as for non-Christians. The simple posession of words to describe evident phenomena does not imply understanding of the mechanism that produces them.
The resulting incomprehensibility of the Gospel and Jesus are utterly needed in our relationship with Christ and our presentation of His work to the unbelieving world.
And thus true and full wonder is sparked. Or rather lightning-bolted. And thus also our love for Jesus is made more of what it should be.
"Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those who believe, Christ the power of God and wisdom of God." - I Corinthians 1:17 (I think)
5.9.06
Derek Webb's coming to Seattle
Specifically, he's coming to my church:
- October 5th, 2006
- 6:45 PM
- Mars Hill Church Ballard
- $12/ticket
For tickets/directions, visit the Mars Hill Website.
If you are able to come, you're also invited to do some 'chillaxing' (in the words of K. Thorpe) in Ballard at our place after the performance.
Additionally: if you come, try to get there a bit early. Kathryn & I are going to go in when the doors open at 6:30 and it'd be awesome to have a group.
For more info about Derek Webb, you can visit his website.
- October 5th, 2006
- 6:45 PM
- Mars Hill Church Ballard
- $12/ticket
For tickets/directions, visit the Mars Hill Website.
If you are able to come, you're also invited to do some 'chillaxing' (in the words of K. Thorpe) in Ballard at our place after the performance.
Additionally: if you come, try to get there a bit early. Kathryn & I are going to go in when the doors open at 6:30 and it'd be awesome to have a group.
For more info about Derek Webb, you can visit his website.
3.9.06
on purity & chivalry [old thoughts]
From deep in the past (slash October 2005):
- context: follow-up from a pleasant late-night conversaton with Nita/Huyck about many things. of particular interest here was a female form of 'chivalry.'
---
I've been thinking about our conversation on Saturday night, namely the female "form of chivalry" and my impulsive word-vomit in response. Over thelast couple days, the thought has gone from being pregnant and not completely formed to.. less pregnant. Sort of like prairie-dogging a baby. Anyway, here goes.
When *most* folks think about purity, they think of chastity, innocence, and Brita water filters. I contend that there is an alternative form of purity thatgets sadly overlooked, especially for women. We'll call it the "purity of identity." The woman who knows who she is and who God made her to be has purity. The woman who remains who she graciously is in the face of cultural pressure and natural insecurity has purity. [As opposed to remaining who you are for self-satisfaction] The woman whose identity is submitted and given to God (not without continual battle) has purity.
All of these aspects of purity are serving to men in and out of relationship with the woman, in the same way that chivalry does not choose who to serve. For those not in a relationship, the woman's purity of identity humbles and sets back men who would try to pressure, manipulate, or take advantage of her. Her purity also shines forth the peace and grace that only come from being at peace with God in identity, regardless of her doubts and insecurities because she is given over to God no matter how she feels, and that act of giving over allows God to always radiate that peace and light to others. For a man in arelationship/marriage with her, her peace with God becomes an example to him tolay his self-imposed burdens down and yield to God. Her purity soothes and serves him in a way that I can't really describe, but simply *know.*
Someone might respond that the description of purity above is general and healthy for all Christians and thus shouldn't be considered with the feminine.In response, chivalry is identified with the masculine and yet the spiritual/life principles involved are universal. The reason why chivalry *is*generally discussed in a masculine context is the same why the purity above should be discussed often in the feminine: the spirit and support therein is most sorely lacking amongst the gender associated. Moreover, there is somethingthat cannot be completely nailed down inside women that responds powerfully toacts of chivalry; the same for men to the purity above. All of this being said, "sweetness" is also a good candidate. However, I think that sweetness follows from the spirit of purity in the same way that chivalry follows from the spirit of service and self-sacrifice. I guess that technically that does make "sweetness" the female form of chivalry, but the sustainable life of "sweetness" is *only* possible with the purity above. It must be the true root, the connection to God's purity and peace. A quick note: the woman who is pure in identity *will* wrestle with insecurity and social/cultural pressure from those near and far. The key isn't that she is excluded from what everyone else goes through, but in her identity's root in God *by* her submitting and giving it over to God.
---
Nearly a year later, I have this to add:
Kierkegaard relates despair as the dialectic partner to faith, and in defining despair he describes two categories:
- despair to will to be oneself
- despair not to will to be oneself.
The more awareness of self and of despair the deeper and more intense the despair becomes (simultaneously bringing closer and pushing further from faith).
How is this relevant?
For young men in the West, the Enemy's current primary tactic involves unawareness and ignorance of the self, thereby leading to unrecognized despair. Or, more sadistic: he helps reveal pieces of the self and then offers substitutes/distractions/ex post facto rationalizations as a means towards purposed ignorance [of the self].
For young women, the questions "who am I?" and "who should I be?" are never far from awareness, thrumming through the common pulse of shared culture. The questions are posed (i.) without fulfillment, leading to conscious despair/insecurity or (ii.) with fulfillment, leading to a misled state (rather than necessarily purposed) of self-ignorance.
In the original writing, the form of purity described is essentially the same as Kierkegaard's description of the state-of-faith/escape-from-despair (to will to be oneself, not to will to be oneself):
wherein the soul, in itself and in relating itself to itself, rests transparently before the Power that established it.
Thus the purity described above is properly viewed as the existence of and product of deep faith, brought about as an incomprehensible gift of grace.
This has the practical effect:
Seeking after this kind of purity is as futile as any other works-based salvation:
- if you think you've succeeded, you haven't.
- if you realize you haven't, your despair will intensify.
Ultimately, the closest thing that we can do to forcefully bring such faith into our lives is to submit. Thus the space for God and His perfect faith alive/purity alive in us.
- context: follow-up from a pleasant late-night conversaton with Nita/Huyck about many things. of particular interest here was a female form of 'chivalry.'
---
I've been thinking about our conversation on Saturday night, namely the female "form of chivalry" and my impulsive word-vomit in response. Over thelast couple days, the thought has gone from being pregnant and not completely formed to.. less pregnant. Sort of like prairie-dogging a baby. Anyway, here goes.
When *most* folks think about purity, they think of chastity, innocence, and Brita water filters. I contend that there is an alternative form of purity thatgets sadly overlooked, especially for women. We'll call it the "purity of identity." The woman who knows who she is and who God made her to be has purity. The woman who remains who she graciously is in the face of cultural pressure and natural insecurity has purity. [As opposed to remaining who you are for self-satisfaction] The woman whose identity is submitted and given to God (not without continual battle) has purity.
All of these aspects of purity are serving to men in and out of relationship with the woman, in the same way that chivalry does not choose who to serve. For those not in a relationship, the woman's purity of identity humbles and sets back men who would try to pressure, manipulate, or take advantage of her. Her purity also shines forth the peace and grace that only come from being at peace with God in identity, regardless of her doubts and insecurities because she is given over to God no matter how she feels, and that act of giving over allows God to always radiate that peace and light to others. For a man in arelationship/marriage with her, her peace with God becomes an example to him tolay his self-imposed burdens down and yield to God. Her purity soothes and serves him in a way that I can't really describe, but simply *know.*
Someone might respond that the description of purity above is general and healthy for all Christians and thus shouldn't be considered with the feminine.In response, chivalry is identified with the masculine and yet the spiritual/life principles involved are universal. The reason why chivalry *is*generally discussed in a masculine context is the same why the purity above should be discussed often in the feminine: the spirit and support therein is most sorely lacking amongst the gender associated. Moreover, there is somethingthat cannot be completely nailed down inside women that responds powerfully toacts of chivalry; the same for men to the purity above. All of this being said, "sweetness" is also a good candidate. However, I think that sweetness follows from the spirit of purity in the same way that chivalry follows from the spirit of service and self-sacrifice. I guess that technically that does make "sweetness" the female form of chivalry, but the sustainable life of "sweetness" is *only* possible with the purity above. It must be the true root, the connection to God's purity and peace. A quick note: the woman who is pure in identity *will* wrestle with insecurity and social/cultural pressure from those near and far. The key isn't that she is excluded from what everyone else goes through, but in her identity's root in God *by* her submitting and giving it over to God.
---
Nearly a year later, I have this to add:
Kierkegaard relates despair as the dialectic partner to faith, and in defining despair he describes two categories:
- despair to will to be oneself
- despair not to will to be oneself.
The more awareness of self and of despair the deeper and more intense the despair becomes (simultaneously bringing closer and pushing further from faith).
How is this relevant?
For young men in the West, the Enemy's current primary tactic involves unawareness and ignorance of the self, thereby leading to unrecognized despair. Or, more sadistic: he helps reveal pieces of the self and then offers substitutes/distractions/ex post facto rationalizations as a means towards purposed ignorance [of the self].
For young women, the questions "who am I?" and "who should I be?" are never far from awareness, thrumming through the common pulse of shared culture. The questions are posed (i.) without fulfillment, leading to conscious despair/insecurity or (ii.) with fulfillment, leading to a misled state (rather than necessarily purposed) of self-ignorance.
In the original writing, the form of purity described is essentially the same as Kierkegaard's description of the state-of-faith/escape-from-despair (to will to be oneself, not to will to be oneself):
wherein the soul, in itself and in relating itself to itself, rests transparently before the Power that established it.
Thus the purity described above is properly viewed as the existence of and product of deep faith, brought about as an incomprehensible gift of grace.
This has the practical effect:
Seeking after this kind of purity is as futile as any other works-based salvation:
- if you think you've succeeded, you haven't.
- if you realize you haven't, your despair will intensify.
Ultimately, the closest thing that we can do to forcefully bring such faith into our lives is to submit. Thus the space for God and His perfect faith alive/purity alive in us.
refocus
One of my character faults/peculiarities: building massive expectations and, when unable to live up to them, shut down that part of my life until I can perform 'properly.'
- really part of my larger strength-idolatry, which therein
- leads to exceptionally hard work
- as well as extreme disquiet when the expectation/strength god is not appeased
- is the reason I haven't updated here for a while.
The same dynamic is operative in journaling. And thus I successfully keep a journal for ~month at the longest.
Anyway, time to refocus this blog ad majorem gloria Dei rather than ad majorem gloria virek.
And so time for a fresh beginning.
- really part of my larger strength-idolatry, which therein
- leads to exceptionally hard work
- as well as extreme disquiet when the expectation/strength god is not appeased
- is the reason I haven't updated here for a while.
The same dynamic is operative in journaling. And thus I successfully keep a journal for ~month at the longest.
Anyway, time to refocus this blog ad majorem gloria Dei rather than ad majorem gloria virek.
And so time for a fresh beginning.
12.3.06
miscarriaged
that's how it feels now. it won't in a while, but it does now.
God, I give You my pain: take it, heal it, and walk with me. Take the torrent inside my heart and calm it; provide me with the peace of knowing that we are in Your hands, and rebuild what is now cracked.
Don't let this stop me from being Your servant/son and crying out Your glory.
---
Praise God, from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him, all creatures here below
Praise Him, above the heavenly host
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
The Author of Creation and Root of all good; the Redeemer who breaks the kingdom of the world; the Healer who lifts my head and will not suffer me to lose sight of Him.
Whatever feeble shell of honor I can give You, take it and perfect it; make it complete and wear it in the full sight of the Throne.
God, I give You my pain: take it, heal it, and walk with me. Take the torrent inside my heart and calm it; provide me with the peace of knowing that we are in Your hands, and rebuild what is now cracked.
Don't let this stop me from being Your servant/son and crying out Your glory.
---
Praise God, from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him, all creatures here below
Praise Him, above the heavenly host
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
The Author of Creation and Root of all good; the Redeemer who breaks the kingdom of the world; the Healer who lifts my head and will not suffer me to lose sight of Him.
Whatever feeble shell of honor I can give You, take it and perfect it; make it complete and wear it in the full sight of the Throne.
9.3.06
and thus ends winter quarter.. almost
I stand amazed: it simultaneously feels like this quarter has been going on for years and as though it just started. sort of like an extended version of the "every day an eternity and a moment" feeling I had through much of ups. decidedly different however: graduated life moves at a lot slower pace and things change much slower, perhaps at a much more realistic and natural pace. life has definitely been full however-
1. probably the top of the list would be the one thing I won't let myself write about publicly yet. it still deserves space because of its inherent coolness/mystery (I'm happy). suffice it to say that I would really appreciate prayer: for peace, for continuing patience, for wisdom, and for the simple ability to relax and enjoy a surpassing blessing. I apologize for the vagueness; perhaps it won't be necessary in too long, and perhaps it will. sad: I could write and talk and think about this for hours. alas. reality man.
2. physics and math have definitely consumed my life. didn't see that coming with the whole grad student thing. =p
- classes this quarter have been good (well, up to s&m with bulgac - oh, and "s&m" refers to statistical mechanics; the house name for the class is "s&m with bulgac" though). in terms of academic performance, they've been really good, for which I'm incredibly grateful. about five weeks or so was the low point of the year so far, where my brain just wasn't working and I was sick and tired of endless amounts of busy-work. and God has definitely carried me since then. and thus my thanks and praise. interesting though: I think my tiredness is definitely throwing off my perception, because I think I've been grateful and thankful and have consciously been aware/communicated-to-others the many ways that God's kept me going, and yet right now it feels as though I've been an unthankful whore, soaking up His blessings and then ignoring His kindness and running back to work and letting my spirit stay there. I don't know. praise God that His grace covers all of our sins and frees us both from things we actually do to separate ourselves from Him and the things we merely think and feel have offended God. it's so freaking powerful and good that it reconciles God's anger at us, and it reconciles our hearts back to him in entirety.
[I can tell I'm tired: I started out talking about classes and got on about grace, although it's probably not a fault to randomly interject about the goodness of God =p]
- for most of my life, I've known that I'm pretty smart, but I've never known just what kind of gift God had given until recently. it's a question that, even though I really didn't want it to linger, stuck around anyway (probably as a result of pride & curiosity). I don't find it weird that now that I'm starting to get an answer to the question, I don't really care anymore. a gift is simply that: a gift. powerful, sometimes eye-grabbing, but still a gift. and in this case, the full fruition of the gift only comes as a result of the Giver's continuing assistance and guidance. the way God's set that up is really cool I think: I can't take credit for my intelligence for my pride in the first place because I didn't give it to me, and second in order for the gift to be fully used, it requires His help all the freaking time (which again smacks down the development of pride). and that's just the human dimension (negative in this case - the structure helps defend us from sin) where satan uses our talents to try to make us think of ourselves as little gods. the positive/constructive is even cooler: the fulfilled/redeemed use of the gift is an offering unto heaven, finer than the sweetest music, and gives glory back to the Giver and brings Him happiness/joy.
I pray that my intelligence would consciously be attuned to the continuing glory of the Kingdom, particularly in the mundane (i.e. pages of useless algebra =p).
- logistically, this was supposed to be the most difficult quarter of the year and possibly the whole time in grad school. unfortunately, I may be taking my newfound freedom and getting too excited and thus geting overcommitted for next quarter:
1. physics 515 - e/m 3
2. physics 519 - quantum 3
3. physics 5?? - the paper class (easy)
4. math 546 - manifolds 3 (finally - we'll actually be able to take a derivative like two weeks into the last quarter of the freaking class :D)
5. physics 600 - group theory with kaplan
6. physics 600 - string theory project with karch
7. physics 503 - teaching seminar (doesn't really count)
all told, something like ~23 credits, or double standard load by the credit count. I pray I'm not going too far here.
- oh, and the string theory thing looks freaking awesome. to start out with, it'll just be classical mechanics on a curved background as a model for mesons and flux tubes (really surprising, and really cool). boo yah shaka (and it almost comes back to something physical).
God continues to be good. it cannot be emphasized enough.
this weekend's gonna be frikkin awesome too. yes.
---
Christ, I give the rest of this night to You. I delight in the rest that comes from sitting at Your feet and taking in Your light. Take my life and continue to redeem it, conform it to Your ways, and continue to give me Your mind and life.
In order for that to happen, You say that I must share in Your death (and thus share in Your Resurrection). Show me where I am holding back and where I am resisting Your call to plunge into death Jesus. Help me to submit and make it perfect.
Praise be to the King of Creation and Eternity.
1. probably the top of the list would be the one thing I won't let myself write about publicly yet. it still deserves space because of its inherent coolness/mystery (I'm happy). suffice it to say that I would really appreciate prayer: for peace, for continuing patience, for wisdom, and for the simple ability to relax and enjoy a surpassing blessing. I apologize for the vagueness; perhaps it won't be necessary in too long, and perhaps it will. sad: I could write and talk and think about this for hours. alas. reality man.
2. physics and math have definitely consumed my life. didn't see that coming with the whole grad student thing. =p
- classes this quarter have been good (well, up to s&m with bulgac - oh, and "s&m" refers to statistical mechanics; the house name for the class is "s&m with bulgac" though). in terms of academic performance, they've been really good, for which I'm incredibly grateful. about five weeks or so was the low point of the year so far, where my brain just wasn't working and I was sick and tired of endless amounts of busy-work. and God has definitely carried me since then. and thus my thanks and praise. interesting though: I think my tiredness is definitely throwing off my perception, because I think I've been grateful and thankful and have consciously been aware/communicated-to-others the many ways that God's kept me going, and yet right now it feels as though I've been an unthankful whore, soaking up His blessings and then ignoring His kindness and running back to work and letting my spirit stay there. I don't know. praise God that His grace covers all of our sins and frees us both from things we actually do to separate ourselves from Him and the things we merely think and feel have offended God. it's so freaking powerful and good that it reconciles God's anger at us, and it reconciles our hearts back to him in entirety.
[I can tell I'm tired: I started out talking about classes and got on about grace, although it's probably not a fault to randomly interject about the goodness of God =p]
- for most of my life, I've known that I'm pretty smart, but I've never known just what kind of gift God had given until recently. it's a question that, even though I really didn't want it to linger, stuck around anyway (probably as a result of pride & curiosity). I don't find it weird that now that I'm starting to get an answer to the question, I don't really care anymore. a gift is simply that: a gift. powerful, sometimes eye-grabbing, but still a gift. and in this case, the full fruition of the gift only comes as a result of the Giver's continuing assistance and guidance. the way God's set that up is really cool I think: I can't take credit for my intelligence for my pride in the first place because I didn't give it to me, and second in order for the gift to be fully used, it requires His help all the freaking time (which again smacks down the development of pride). and that's just the human dimension (negative in this case - the structure helps defend us from sin) where satan uses our talents to try to make us think of ourselves as little gods. the positive/constructive is even cooler: the fulfilled/redeemed use of the gift is an offering unto heaven, finer than the sweetest music, and gives glory back to the Giver and brings Him happiness/joy.
I pray that my intelligence would consciously be attuned to the continuing glory of the Kingdom, particularly in the mundane (i.e. pages of useless algebra =p).
- logistically, this was supposed to be the most difficult quarter of the year and possibly the whole time in grad school. unfortunately, I may be taking my newfound freedom and getting too excited and thus geting overcommitted for next quarter:
1. physics 515 - e/m 3
2. physics 519 - quantum 3
3. physics 5?? - the paper class (easy)
4. math 546 - manifolds 3 (finally - we'll actually be able to take a derivative like two weeks into the last quarter of the freaking class :D)
5. physics 600 - group theory with kaplan
6. physics 600 - string theory project with karch
7. physics 503 - teaching seminar (doesn't really count)
all told, something like ~23 credits, or double standard load by the credit count. I pray I'm not going too far here.
- oh, and the string theory thing looks freaking awesome. to start out with, it'll just be classical mechanics on a curved background as a model for mesons and flux tubes (really surprising, and really cool). boo yah shaka (and it almost comes back to something physical).
God continues to be good. it cannot be emphasized enough.
this weekend's gonna be frikkin awesome too. yes.
---
Christ, I give the rest of this night to You. I delight in the rest that comes from sitting at Your feet and taking in Your light. Take my life and continue to redeem it, conform it to Your ways, and continue to give me Your mind and life.
In order for that to happen, You say that I must share in Your death (and thus share in Your Resurrection). Show me where I am holding back and where I am resisting Your call to plunge into death Jesus. Help me to submit and make it perfect.
Praise be to the King of Creation and Eternity.
9.2.06
Crazy living
lordy. the past couple weeks (well, really the past month) have been ridiculous.
this week, however, has been downright pleasant. we have an e/m midterm in ~90 minutes and savage was gracious enough to let us actually study for the exam by not assigning a 10-hour-to-legitimately-complete problem set. as a result, I've had a chance to let my mind "rest" for the past couple of days and thereby regain my focus/clarity of thought. *that's* probably been the most frustrating aspect of school over the past few weeks - the lack of sharpness and perception.
anyway, God is freaking good:
- developments across the mountains that still make my heart..err.. flutter. there has to be a more masculine word for that. more to be written at the proper time; suffice it to say that it's thoroughly good.
- finally got hooked up with a community group at Mars Hill. all guys. good guys at that. which led to some confusion when I contacted the leader to join them and he assumed I was a woman because of the name. danish pride baby.
- out of the blue yesterday I was talking with one of my TAs about some stuff he was working on, and near the end of the conversation.. well, I may have a lead-in to some string theory work with andreas during the spring/summer. just came out of nowhere.
and now, class. and the sun is shining!
to the God immortal, invisible, and complete - amen.
---
"Beauty will save the world."
- Attributed to Lev Nikolaevich Myshkin [main character in Dostoevsky's "The Idiot"]
this week, however, has been downright pleasant. we have an e/m midterm in ~90 minutes and savage was gracious enough to let us actually study for the exam by not assigning a 10-hour-to-legitimately-complete problem set. as a result, I've had a chance to let my mind "rest" for the past couple of days and thereby regain my focus/clarity of thought. *that's* probably been the most frustrating aspect of school over the past few weeks - the lack of sharpness and perception.
anyway, God is freaking good:
- developments across the mountains that still make my heart..err.. flutter. there has to be a more masculine word for that. more to be written at the proper time; suffice it to say that it's thoroughly good.
- finally got hooked up with a community group at Mars Hill. all guys. good guys at that. which led to some confusion when I contacted the leader to join them and he assumed I was a woman because of the name. danish pride baby.
- out of the blue yesterday I was talking with one of my TAs about some stuff he was working on, and near the end of the conversation.. well, I may have a lead-in to some string theory work with andreas during the spring/summer. just came out of nowhere.
and now, class. and the sun is shining!
to the God immortal, invisible, and complete - amen.
---
"Beauty will save the world."
- Attributed to Lev Nikolaevich Myshkin [main character in Dostoevsky's "The Idiot"]
29.1.06
Whoa
...
it's good to be captivated by beauty.
I won't write anything more; mere words would trivialize.
---
Glorious! Luminous!
it's good to be captivated by beauty.
I won't write anything more; mere words would trivialize.
---
Glorious! Luminous!
19.1.06
Interessant
from cnn.com: U.S. rejects bin Laden tape's 'truce' offer
notable quotes-
"The war against America and its allies will not be confined to Iraq," the voice on the tape said, adding that "Iraq has become a magnet for attracting and training talented fighters."
"It's only a matter of time," the voice said, referring to attacks. "They are in the planning stages, and you will see them in the heart of your land as soon as the planning is complete."
"In response to the substance of the polls in the U.S., which indicate that Americans do not want to fight Muslims on Muslim land, nor do they want Muslims to fight them on their land, we do not mind offering a long-term truce based on just conditions that we will stick to.
"We are a nation that God banned from lying and stabbing others in the back. Hence, both parties of the truce will enjoy stability and security to rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan, which were destroyed by war.
"There is no problem in this solution, but it will prevent hundreds of billions from going to influential people and warlords in America -- those who supported Bush's electoral campaign. And from this, we can understand Bush and his gang's insistence on continuing the war."
thus we conclude several things:
1. bin laden did not make his first international appearance in over a year idly. the content of his speech was not directed at members of al qaeda, making the american public his primary audience. this video then falls in the same category as nearly all other bin laden tapes: blatant propaganda. [I saw a few folks on some "left-leaning" blogs that merely presumed that the tape was fake and that the bush administration created the tape as a stumping tool towards military action against iran; they.. have a problem]
2. in the history of military propaganda (particularly modern, i.e. the past seventy years), the folks creating the propaganda rarely pull a reverse psychology trick. this has been especially true of terrorist organizations and the modern middle east.
3. it follows that the reaction bin laden & co are trying to elicit is not "well bin laden's bashing bush and the current policies.. and since he knows that we're going to go against whatever he suggests, he really wants us to support bush/current policy.. and therefore we'll stand all the stronger against it!" look at vichy france during WWII and messages coming out of the kremlin during the cold war. now that both conflicts are over, we're able to compare the propaganda record with the internal documents that reflect the actual views of the government involved. whenever did german propaganda try to elevate churchill's status in britain? whenever did soviet russia make a plug for reagan? from time immemorial until the present, propaganda is not designed to be complex and pull a princess bride. it is designed to antagonize the fears and insecurity of the population targeted with the hope of bringing division, discord, and demoralization. this case is no different.
4. to make things absolutely clear, there's a reason why half of the tape sounded like it was pulled from fahrenheit 9/11. and it's not because moore's right.
al qaeda is hurting. they're hurting bad. sending in bombers from outside iraq to bomb iraqi civilians hasn't exactly made the iraqis happy. bombing native jordanians hasn't exactly made them happy either. the enemy is losing soldiers at apparently a 10:1 clip compared to american casualties, and as valuable as every american casualty has been to the enemy's cause via our own media (if WW2 had been fought with our media covering it.. we'd live in a different world), the pool of terrorist recruits is growing smaller every day. pissing off the local muslim populations has only encouraged their support base to rat them out and seek their death (see al-zarquawi's recent disownage by his own family). logistics and planning for future operations in the american heartland have been disrupted by continued success in afghanistan, well-intelled raids in iraq, and the little-discussed fruits of current american policy.
the question until now has been "well, even if the above is true, how much have we hurt them on an absolute scale?" now we know.
bin laden's suggestion for a truce is simultaneously a play to the half of our nation who wants our troops home now and an admission of how much damage al qaeda has received over the past four years. we hit them directly in afghanistan, but I suspect that iraq has been even more of a logistical drain on al qaeda than it's been on us:
- a terrorist organization's support structure can rely only so much on fear to keep folks in line. since most of their recruits of late have been hell-bent on american presence in iraq, they have little choice but to direct their focus there. this is factually supported in that al qaeda's training camps seem to consistently be focused on combat training. as opposed to more.. asymmetrical endeavors.
- continuing the item above, it takes planners and higher-ups to be able to direct these missions in iraq. planners that used to spend time figuring out how to get us by flying planes into our cities are being forced to plan missions against muslims and armed, armored american troops.
- as useful as our presence in iraq has been to al qaeda's recruitment effort, the growing suspicion and downright anger towards al qaeda fermenting in much of the muslim world involved will have long-term effects that will ultimately produce a much stronger drain on al qaeda than shooting them will.
- however, iran is a serious wild card here. that brand of terrorist-supporting extreme nationalism could potentially negate all gains here through simple state subsidy and exploitation of the victimage mechanism (particularly jews; this upcoming "holocaust conference" in iran is not pointless).
very interesting indeed. I suspect that we've been far more effective than we'd hoped.
---
frikkin mountains.
I'm excited for this weekend:
- get to see jim & emily before she heads off to france
- seahawks are playing for the superbowl on sunday
- church!
- solid, undistacted time with God
boo yah.
---
"After all, I quite naturally want to live in order to fulfill my whole capacity for living, and not in order to fulfill my reasoning capacity alone, which is no more than some one-twentieth of my capacity for living. What does reason know? It knows only what it has managed to learn (and it may never learn anything else; that isn't very reassuring, but why not admit it?), while human nature acts as a complete entity, with all that is in it, consciously or unconsciously; and though it may be wrong, it's nevertheless alive."
- Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky
notable quotes-
"The war against America and its allies will not be confined to Iraq," the voice on the tape said, adding that "Iraq has become a magnet for attracting and training talented fighters."
"It's only a matter of time," the voice said, referring to attacks. "They are in the planning stages, and you will see them in the heart of your land as soon as the planning is complete."
"In response to the substance of the polls in the U.S., which indicate that Americans do not want to fight Muslims on Muslim land, nor do they want Muslims to fight them on their land, we do not mind offering a long-term truce based on just conditions that we will stick to.
"We are a nation that God banned from lying and stabbing others in the back. Hence, both parties of the truce will enjoy stability and security to rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan, which were destroyed by war.
"There is no problem in this solution, but it will prevent hundreds of billions from going to influential people and warlords in America -- those who supported Bush's electoral campaign. And from this, we can understand Bush and his gang's insistence on continuing the war."
thus we conclude several things:
1. bin laden did not make his first international appearance in over a year idly. the content of his speech was not directed at members of al qaeda, making the american public his primary audience. this video then falls in the same category as nearly all other bin laden tapes: blatant propaganda. [I saw a few folks on some "left-leaning" blogs that merely presumed that the tape was fake and that the bush administration created the tape as a stumping tool towards military action against iran; they.. have a problem]
2. in the history of military propaganda (particularly modern, i.e. the past seventy years), the folks creating the propaganda rarely pull a reverse psychology trick. this has been especially true of terrorist organizations and the modern middle east.
3. it follows that the reaction bin laden & co are trying to elicit is not "well bin laden's bashing bush and the current policies.. and since he knows that we're going to go against whatever he suggests, he really wants us to support bush/current policy.. and therefore we'll stand all the stronger against it!" look at vichy france during WWII and messages coming out of the kremlin during the cold war. now that both conflicts are over, we're able to compare the propaganda record with the internal documents that reflect the actual views of the government involved. whenever did german propaganda try to elevate churchill's status in britain? whenever did soviet russia make a plug for reagan? from time immemorial until the present, propaganda is not designed to be complex and pull a princess bride. it is designed to antagonize the fears and insecurity of the population targeted with the hope of bringing division, discord, and demoralization. this case is no different.
4. to make things absolutely clear, there's a reason why half of the tape sounded like it was pulled from fahrenheit 9/11. and it's not because moore's right.
al qaeda is hurting. they're hurting bad. sending in bombers from outside iraq to bomb iraqi civilians hasn't exactly made the iraqis happy. bombing native jordanians hasn't exactly made them happy either. the enemy is losing soldiers at apparently a 10:1 clip compared to american casualties, and as valuable as every american casualty has been to the enemy's cause via our own media (if WW2 had been fought with our media covering it.. we'd live in a different world), the pool of terrorist recruits is growing smaller every day. pissing off the local muslim populations has only encouraged their support base to rat them out and seek their death (see al-zarquawi's recent disownage by his own family). logistics and planning for future operations in the american heartland have been disrupted by continued success in afghanistan, well-intelled raids in iraq, and the little-discussed fruits of current american policy.
the question until now has been "well, even if the above is true, how much have we hurt them on an absolute scale?" now we know.
bin laden's suggestion for a truce is simultaneously a play to the half of our nation who wants our troops home now and an admission of how much damage al qaeda has received over the past four years. we hit them directly in afghanistan, but I suspect that iraq has been even more of a logistical drain on al qaeda than it's been on us:
- a terrorist organization's support structure can rely only so much on fear to keep folks in line. since most of their recruits of late have been hell-bent on american presence in iraq, they have little choice but to direct their focus there. this is factually supported in that al qaeda's training camps seem to consistently be focused on combat training. as opposed to more.. asymmetrical endeavors.
- continuing the item above, it takes planners and higher-ups to be able to direct these missions in iraq. planners that used to spend time figuring out how to get us by flying planes into our cities are being forced to plan missions against muslims and armed, armored american troops.
- as useful as our presence in iraq has been to al qaeda's recruitment effort, the growing suspicion and downright anger towards al qaeda fermenting in much of the muslim world involved will have long-term effects that will ultimately produce a much stronger drain on al qaeda than shooting them will.
- however, iran is a serious wild card here. that brand of terrorist-supporting extreme nationalism could potentially negate all gains here through simple state subsidy and exploitation of the victimage mechanism (particularly jews; this upcoming "holocaust conference" in iran is not pointless).
very interesting indeed. I suspect that we've been far more effective than we'd hoped.
---
frikkin mountains.
I'm excited for this weekend:
- get to see jim & emily before she heads off to france
- seahawks are playing for the superbowl on sunday
- church!
- solid, undistacted time with God
boo yah.
---
"After all, I quite naturally want to live in order to fulfill my whole capacity for living, and not in order to fulfill my reasoning capacity alone, which is no more than some one-twentieth of my capacity for living. What does reason know? It knows only what it has managed to learn (and it may never learn anything else; that isn't very reassuring, but why not admit it?), while human nature acts as a complete entity, with all that is in it, consciously or unconsciously; and though it may be wrong, it's nevertheless alive."
- Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky
16.1.06
Week of January 16
happy mlk day. worth remembering.
this past weekend saw the following:
1. the seahawks' first win in the postseason since the year I was born. (woot)
2. a chance to catch up with liane and enjoy friendship.
3. a good talk with lilje (we miss you brother; far more than you'll ever know)
4. church :D (gotta love a church whose sermon series on I corinthians is titled "christians gone wild")
5. ~24 hours of physics/math problem sets & grading
6. one freaking awesome phone call. same feeling as the one you get from goin' ho and barely nabbing a disc while fully extended parallel to muddy ground six inches below you. in the inzone. with a defender running right for your face while you catch it. the kind of feeling that makes you instantly leap to your feet with a roar in your mouth and fire in your eyes.
it'll play out, but for now it's quite excellent. the future's in God's Hands, but the present is mighty full.
officially confirmed: exciting times are afoot.
on tap for this week:
- manifolds 2 [W] (almost done..)
- e/m 3 [Th] (looks pretty straight-forward)
- prep for quantum/manifolds 3 for next week
- relearning representation theory for su(2)
- dad's comin up! [W]
- second part of EFT lecture [F]
the EFT talk last week was good. critical content was:
1. effecient computation of scaling dimension
2. scale invariance of action true, but doesn't imply that each term contributes equally to correlation functions; through feynman, we see that it's the couplings that determine importance
3. evidently (up to a physical lack of duality for the mass) (d+1)-dimensional relativistic scalar field couplings transform like (d-1+1)-dimensional nonrelativistic yada yada yada. and vice versa.
and UPS people are now back. :D
---
Staring at the shoreline
Wishing for some hope
The weight of empty fishing nets
Is more than twisted rope
And underneath stern faces
They wait with baited breath
With broken hearts from hoping
While casting out their nets
Sees their failure on the Shore
Speaks His words like plain men sing
His hands they still have holes in them
Glory to the King!
Can you hear the bells a-ringing?
Far, far away?
Can you hear the voices singing?
Far, far away?
And Peter was a liar
A traitor just like me
And Judas was a hypocrite
And Paul a pharisee
When Truth can be so distant
And Hope evades our reach
Peter swam across the water
And found It on the beach
Can you hear the bells a-ringing
Far, far away?
Can you hear the voices singing
Far, far away?
I know that one day soon a song shall rise
You'll hear it when the sleep's still in your eyes!
I hear they'll hang you upside-down
Stretched across two boards
For hearing distant voices
And crossing to the Lord
- Five Iron Frenzy, Far Far Away
this past weekend saw the following:
1. the seahawks' first win in the postseason since the year I was born. (woot)
2. a chance to catch up with liane and enjoy friendship.
3. a good talk with lilje (we miss you brother; far more than you'll ever know)
4. church :D (gotta love a church whose sermon series on I corinthians is titled "christians gone wild")
5. ~24 hours of physics/math problem sets & grading
6. one freaking awesome phone call. same feeling as the one you get from goin' ho and barely nabbing a disc while fully extended parallel to muddy ground six inches below you. in the inzone. with a defender running right for your face while you catch it. the kind of feeling that makes you instantly leap to your feet with a roar in your mouth and fire in your eyes.
it'll play out, but for now it's quite excellent. the future's in God's Hands, but the present is mighty full.
officially confirmed: exciting times are afoot.
on tap for this week:
- manifolds 2 [W] (almost done..)
- e/m 3 [Th] (looks pretty straight-forward)
- prep for quantum/manifolds 3 for next week
- relearning representation theory for su(2)
- dad's comin up! [W]
- second part of EFT lecture [F]
the EFT talk last week was good. critical content was:
1. effecient computation of scaling dimension
2. scale invariance of action true, but doesn't imply that each term contributes equally to correlation functions; through feynman, we see that it's the couplings that determine importance
3. evidently (up to a physical lack of duality for the mass) (d+1)-dimensional relativistic scalar field couplings transform like (d-1+1)-dimensional nonrelativistic yada yada yada. and vice versa.
and UPS people are now back. :D
---
Staring at the shoreline
Wishing for some hope
The weight of empty fishing nets
Is more than twisted rope
And underneath stern faces
They wait with baited breath
With broken hearts from hoping
While casting out their nets
Sees their failure on the Shore
Speaks His words like plain men sing
His hands they still have holes in them
Glory to the King!
Can you hear the bells a-ringing?
Far, far away?
Can you hear the voices singing?
Far, far away?
And Peter was a liar
A traitor just like me
And Judas was a hypocrite
And Paul a pharisee
When Truth can be so distant
And Hope evades our reach
Peter swam across the water
And found It on the beach
Can you hear the bells a-ringing
Far, far away?
Can you hear the voices singing
Far, far away?
I know that one day soon a song shall rise
You'll hear it when the sleep's still in your eyes!
I hear they'll hang you upside-down
Stretched across two boards
For hearing distant voices
And crossing to the Lord
- Five Iron Frenzy, Far Far Away
12.1.06
Assembled Randomage
1. james was right. a [science] grad student is a function that maps caffeine to output space.
2. biology needs a 1905.
3. self-righteousness extends far beyond the religious sphere of life. so does orthodoxy. both are tied to the submission of freedom (intellectual, moral, et al) to a system.
4. the overt lack of a political/social philosophy in the Gospel only tells us that Jesus invites us to join Him in transcending politics. not buddhist transcendence or some such nonsense. Christ's transcendance is unique in the spiritual dialogue in that it actively deals with politics while exposing its mechanism, ultimately revealed in the Crucifixion.
5. being a Christian (on the days where I actually feel like a little Christ..) grad student in physics is.. a learning experience. being a Christ-representative in the physics workplace is very different than at S/V or UPS. lots of learning from the Master required.
6. when you set up an empirical epistemology wherein the necessary forms for an event's possible signature are a priori dissallowed, noting the lack of admissible evidence to that event doesn't constitute a disproof of said event's existence. it only says that you know how to turn the crank on your a priori criteria.
7. america really is a unique nation in the history of hegemonies thus far (whether due to broader trends in the west or america's specific cultural brand, we'll see), namely in how unimperialistic our policies have been relative to historical precedent. historically, truly imperialistic democracies require something close to a supermajority's support for blatantly imperialistic policy. and no, iraq isn't and never was imperialism. if it was, we wouldn't have reached $3/gallon in cali this past summer. which leads to..
8. if modern academia had a decent appreciation for military history and closely studied the surrounding trends, chomsky would be out of a job. in a just world, he'd also be executed on the basis of the justification and support his writings have provided for a slew of totalitarian regimes and by proxy the virtual enslavement and murder of significant portions of their populaions (current project is revisiting american involvement in serbia, which thus far amounts to an expulcation of guilt from milosevic & co.). sorry bud. exporting mcdonald's versus spastically gassing your own citizens and raping their descendants isn't really much of a comparison.
9. in general, there are too many bright people in the social sciences that are smart enough to construct models ten levels of abstraction from available evidence but aren't wise enough to relate the effectiveness of such overelaborative construction. there's also the small matter of effective untestability, where such models run the dangerous road of appearing to merely represent the fluctuating whims of the involved community with no means to evidentially show otherwise.
10. music bears a fundamental relation to the erotic, a fact revealed in the language often used to describe its structure and effects. as such, perhaps music is a clue to part of eros-nature as found in eternity..?
---
"He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart."
- C. S. Lewis
2. biology needs a 1905.
3. self-righteousness extends far beyond the religious sphere of life. so does orthodoxy. both are tied to the submission of freedom (intellectual, moral, et al) to a system.
4. the overt lack of a political/social philosophy in the Gospel only tells us that Jesus invites us to join Him in transcending politics. not buddhist transcendence or some such nonsense. Christ's transcendance is unique in the spiritual dialogue in that it actively deals with politics while exposing its mechanism, ultimately revealed in the Crucifixion.
5. being a Christian (on the days where I actually feel like a little Christ..) grad student in physics is.. a learning experience. being a Christ-representative in the physics workplace is very different than at S/V or UPS. lots of learning from the Master required.
6. when you set up an empirical epistemology wherein the necessary forms for an event's possible signature are a priori dissallowed, noting the lack of admissible evidence to that event doesn't constitute a disproof of said event's existence. it only says that you know how to turn the crank on your a priori criteria.
7. america really is a unique nation in the history of hegemonies thus far (whether due to broader trends in the west or america's specific cultural brand, we'll see), namely in how unimperialistic our policies have been relative to historical precedent. historically, truly imperialistic democracies require something close to a supermajority's support for blatantly imperialistic policy. and no, iraq isn't and never was imperialism. if it was, we wouldn't have reached $3/gallon in cali this past summer. which leads to..
8. if modern academia had a decent appreciation for military history and closely studied the surrounding trends, chomsky would be out of a job. in a just world, he'd also be executed on the basis of the justification and support his writings have provided for a slew of totalitarian regimes and by proxy the virtual enslavement and murder of significant portions of their populaions (current project is revisiting american involvement in serbia, which thus far amounts to an expulcation of guilt from milosevic & co.). sorry bud. exporting mcdonald's versus spastically gassing your own citizens and raping their descendants isn't really much of a comparison.
9. in general, there are too many bright people in the social sciences that are smart enough to construct models ten levels of abstraction from available evidence but aren't wise enough to relate the effectiveness of such overelaborative construction. there's also the small matter of effective untestability, where such models run the dangerous road of appearing to merely represent the fluctuating whims of the involved community with no means to evidentially show otherwise.
10. music bears a fundamental relation to the erotic, a fact revealed in the language often used to describe its structure and effects. as such, perhaps music is a clue to part of eros-nature as found in eternity..?
---
"He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart."
- C. S. Lewis
11.1.06
Amusing News Stories - January 2006
1. California high school sued over 'intelligent design' class [or, creationists take scientists' advice; get sued]
yet another case of bloody creationists trying to take over the science classroom and impose theocracy, right?
Frazier Mountain High in Lebec violated the separation of church and state while attempting to legitimize the theory of "intelligent design" by introducing it as a philosophy class, according to the federal lawsuit filed by parents of 13 students.
apparently the lawyers didn't get the memo on this one. you know, the one where scientists kept coming forward and saying that intelligent design wasn't really science and that it belonged to philosophy..
oops.
to be fair, as the article goes on, it turns out the class isn't exactly taught in an intellectually balanced/mature/fair/et al fashion. but don't expect a lot out of this one except a huge gasp of irony about a year down the road.
2. Judge: Baby on board is no excuse [or, sexism hits a new low]
PHOENIX, Arizona (AP) -- Fetuses do not count as passengers when it comes to determining who may drive in the carpool lane, a judge has ruled.
Candace Dickinson was fined $367 for improper use of a carpool lane, but contended her unborn child qualified to use the lane. Motorists who use the lanes normally must carry at least one passenger during weekday rush hours.
that's freaking hilarious.
the money quote comes a little further in the article:
Norton said Dickinson's theory "would require officers to carry guns, radios and pregnancy testers, and I don't think we want to go there."
3. Musical breast implants [or, err.. I'm not even gonna try]
I think the iPod trend has gone just a tad too far.
the money quote comes from the guy developing the technology, who by the way happens to be a total engineer:
According to The Sun he said: "It is now very hard for me to think of breast implants as just decorative. If a woman has something implanted permanently, it might as well do something useful."
total engineer. I do have one question for this guy though: how ya planning on downloading new music? call it a hunch (ha!), but something makes me think that USB won't be too popular.
---
in other news, 'tis been a good week. we have a russkie for statmech who makes me crack up each time in lecture. I've never seen someone get so physically intense over physics before. let alone in a russian accent.
boo yah.
---
"'I Am', He said with power
'I Am,' His glory shone
His eyes pierced through like
Sunlight piercing through the sea
My soul has been on fire
My world turned upside-down
Ever since He spoke
Those words to me."
- Fisherman (Don McIntrye)
yet another case of bloody creationists trying to take over the science classroom and impose theocracy, right?
Frazier Mountain High in Lebec violated the separation of church and state while attempting to legitimize the theory of "intelligent design" by introducing it as a philosophy class, according to the federal lawsuit filed by parents of 13 students.
apparently the lawyers didn't get the memo on this one. you know, the one where scientists kept coming forward and saying that intelligent design wasn't really science and that it belonged to philosophy..
oops.
to be fair, as the article goes on, it turns out the class isn't exactly taught in an intellectually balanced/mature/fair/et al fashion. but don't expect a lot out of this one except a huge gasp of irony about a year down the road.
2. Judge: Baby on board is no excuse [or, sexism hits a new low]
PHOENIX, Arizona (AP) -- Fetuses do not count as passengers when it comes to determining who may drive in the carpool lane, a judge has ruled.
Candace Dickinson was fined $367 for improper use of a carpool lane, but contended her unborn child qualified to use the lane. Motorists who use the lanes normally must carry at least one passenger during weekday rush hours.
that's freaking hilarious.
the money quote comes a little further in the article:
Norton said Dickinson's theory "would require officers to carry guns, radios and pregnancy testers, and I don't think we want to go there."
3. Musical breast implants [or, err.. I'm not even gonna try]
I think the iPod trend has gone just a tad too far.
the money quote comes from the guy developing the technology, who by the way happens to be a total engineer:
According to The Sun he said: "It is now very hard for me to think of breast implants as just decorative. If a woman has something implanted permanently, it might as well do something useful."
total engineer. I do have one question for this guy though: how ya planning on downloading new music? call it a hunch (ha!), but something makes me think that USB won't be too popular.
---
in other news, 'tis been a good week. we have a russkie for statmech who makes me crack up each time in lecture. I've never seen someone get so physically intense over physics before. let alone in a russian accent.
boo yah.
---
"'I Am', He said with power
'I Am,' His glory shone
His eyes pierced through like
Sunlight piercing through the sea
My soul has been on fire
My world turned upside-down
Ever since He spoke
Those words to me."
- Fisherman (Don McIntrye)
10.1.06
On Guilt, Part 1
general note for this and future posts that will undoubtedly get pretty messy:
as much as possible, I am going to try to write about the craziness in my own life and not about the simultaneous details in other folks' lives. for example, when I write/process about dating rachel, the writing is going to be limited as much as possible to my choices/shortcomings/et al rather than a comphrehensive summary of the matter. emphasis will be placed on my internal dynamics rather than the actions/modes of the other people involved (after all, their privacy is at stake). the self-centeredness will assuredly rise out of confession rather than pride (if only due to the nature of the content).
the objective here is honest self-examination in the possible presence of some peers that will be altogether good. for a variety of reasons (some eluciadated in this post), I tend to be quite reclusive with the deeper details of my life with the two-fold consequence:
1. separation from friends
2. induced lack of self-knowledge (with the primary concern being full honesty)
hopefully this exercise will help towards getting past this silliness.
---
anyone who's known me longer than ten minutes probably knows that I am extremely vulnerable to guilt trips. and by extremely, I mean that you could probably have me feeling sicker than a kitten on anthrax inside of ten minutes over just about nothing. it follows pretty easily that I consider myself somewhat qualified to talk objectively about the role of guilt in my life; I will extrapolate generally as able.
before beginning, I'm not talking about the healthy sense of guilt that happens when we know we muck it up and need to do something to recompense. the dominant mechanism there is a form of repentance, which is by very nature an active thing. no, I'm talking about the kind of guilt that leaves you feeling sick inside and unable to move. this brings us to the first general property of guilt and its effects:
1. guilt tends to be a pacifier (it incapacitates)
I speak not of pacificsm but of the stopping that guilt causes. it tends to be an immobilizing force that renders static any dynamic internal quality and seeks to impose a stoppage on the relationship with the outside world. for this reason..
2. guilt tends to separate
in particular, it naturally follows from the above that guilt separates people from people, putting an unspoken distance in friendship and spreading a silence over the things that matter. the mechanism here is effectively a distancing of the self from reality in relationships, which spills over into a separation of the subject from himself. because of the guilt, he feels less and less like himself each day that he recognizes its power - a feeling that is rooted in the psychological fact of the actual (instead of merely perceived) distancing. finally and most importantly, since the guilt separates and distances from reality in the two human forms of relationship (with others, self-interaction), it extends to God and turns our faces from Him.
so far, I've spoken of guilt as the active agent here. I don't think that's entirely accurate. in a sense, it becomes something altogether its own, but our volition is still involved. in that sense, we use guilt to achieve passification and separation, generally in order to deal with its more violent effects.
that's all for now. I need to sleep. :D continuation anchored in personal anecdote will follow.
---
"It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. And yet for this reason I found mercy, in order that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His percet patience, as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life.
Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."
- I Timothy 1:15-17
as much as possible, I am going to try to write about the craziness in my own life and not about the simultaneous details in other folks' lives. for example, when I write/process about dating rachel, the writing is going to be limited as much as possible to my choices/shortcomings/et al rather than a comphrehensive summary of the matter. emphasis will be placed on my internal dynamics rather than the actions/modes of the other people involved (after all, their privacy is at stake). the self-centeredness will assuredly rise out of confession rather than pride (if only due to the nature of the content).
the objective here is honest self-examination in the possible presence of some peers that will be altogether good. for a variety of reasons (some eluciadated in this post), I tend to be quite reclusive with the deeper details of my life with the two-fold consequence:
1. separation from friends
2. induced lack of self-knowledge (with the primary concern being full honesty)
hopefully this exercise will help towards getting past this silliness.
---
anyone who's known me longer than ten minutes probably knows that I am extremely vulnerable to guilt trips. and by extremely, I mean that you could probably have me feeling sicker than a kitten on anthrax inside of ten minutes over just about nothing. it follows pretty easily that I consider myself somewhat qualified to talk objectively about the role of guilt in my life; I will extrapolate generally as able.
before beginning, I'm not talking about the healthy sense of guilt that happens when we know we muck it up and need to do something to recompense. the dominant mechanism there is a form of repentance, which is by very nature an active thing. no, I'm talking about the kind of guilt that leaves you feeling sick inside and unable to move. this brings us to the first general property of guilt and its effects:
1. guilt tends to be a pacifier (it incapacitates)
I speak not of pacificsm but of the stopping that guilt causes. it tends to be an immobilizing force that renders static any dynamic internal quality and seeks to impose a stoppage on the relationship with the outside world. for this reason..
2. guilt tends to separate
in particular, it naturally follows from the above that guilt separates people from people, putting an unspoken distance in friendship and spreading a silence over the things that matter. the mechanism here is effectively a distancing of the self from reality in relationships, which spills over into a separation of the subject from himself. because of the guilt, he feels less and less like himself each day that he recognizes its power - a feeling that is rooted in the psychological fact of the actual (instead of merely perceived) distancing. finally and most importantly, since the guilt separates and distances from reality in the two human forms of relationship (with others, self-interaction), it extends to God and turns our faces from Him.
so far, I've spoken of guilt as the active agent here. I don't think that's entirely accurate. in a sense, it becomes something altogether its own, but our volition is still involved. in that sense, we use guilt to achieve passification and separation, generally in order to deal with its more violent effects.
that's all for now. I need to sleep. :D continuation anchored in personal anecdote will follow.
---
"It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. And yet for this reason I found mercy, in order that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His percet patience, as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life.
Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."
- I Timothy 1:15-17
8.1.06
This Week
on tap for this week:
school-related-
- manifolds 1 (hopefully get the hang of it this semester) [M]
- quantum 1 [T]
- e/m 2 [Th]
- statmech 1 [F]
- giving a lecture on effective field theory for our 'lil "pedestrian journal club" [F]
life-related-
- dad's coming up to chill/get away from the estrogen [T]
- ?
current reading list:
- cervantes.don quixote
- dostoevsky.crime and punishment
- girard.I see satan fall like lightning
- peterson.Christ plays in ten thousand places
I think I just need to pick one and finish. alas.
---
And off of the block
I was headstrong and proud
At the front of the line
For the card-carrying, highbrowed
With both eyes fastened tight
Yet unscarred from the fight
Running at full tilt
My sword pulled from its hilt
It's funny how these days can slip away
- Our frail deeds
The last will wave goodbye
It's funny how the hope will bleed away
- The citadels
We build and fortify
Goodbye!
Night came and I broke my stride
I swallowed hard but never cried
When grace was easy to forget
I denounced the hypocrites
Casting first stones
Killing my own
Then You would unscale my blind eyes
And I stood battered but more wise
Fighting to accelerate
Shaking free from crippling weight
With resilience unsurpassed
I clawed my way to You at last
Hands on my knees
I wept at Your feet
I finally believed
That You still loved me
- Five Iron Frenzy, On Distant Shores
school-related-
- manifolds 1 (hopefully get the hang of it this semester) [M]
- quantum 1 [T]
- e/m 2 [Th]
- statmech 1 [F]
- giving a lecture on effective field theory for our 'lil "pedestrian journal club" [F]
life-related-
- dad's coming up to chill/get away from the estrogen [T]
- ?
current reading list:
- cervantes.don quixote
- dostoevsky.crime and punishment
- girard.I see satan fall like lightning
- peterson.Christ plays in ten thousand places
I think I just need to pick one and finish. alas.
---
And off of the block
I was headstrong and proud
At the front of the line
For the card-carrying, highbrowed
With both eyes fastened tight
Yet unscarred from the fight
Running at full tilt
My sword pulled from its hilt
It's funny how these days can slip away
- Our frail deeds
The last will wave goodbye
It's funny how the hope will bleed away
- The citadels
We build and fortify
Goodbye!
Night came and I broke my stride
I swallowed hard but never cried
When grace was easy to forget
I denounced the hypocrites
Casting first stones
Killing my own
Then You would unscale my blind eyes
And I stood battered but more wise
Fighting to accelerate
Shaking free from crippling weight
With resilience unsurpassed
I clawed my way to You at last
Hands on my knees
I wept at Your feet
I finally believed
That You still loved me
- Five Iron Frenzy, On Distant Shores
It's been a while
it's been far too long since I've last written on this blog, but I think that's a good thing. I think the biggest reason why I haven't put anything here lately has been withdrawal from the frustration/anger about politics that characterized so much of my last few months at UPS. when you write in a semi-public place like a blog, I think you're accountable to what you write and the effects it has on the readers you know and love. coming out of UPS, I held that most of what I would write would end up producing a negative effect for myself (providing means for merely venting meaningless political frustration) and for people around me (by dragging them down to the level of my anger). that was unacceptable.
random interlude: I'm not sure how universal the principle is, but the notion of venting as a healthy means of expunging anger is, if taken entirely unto itself, complete bullshit/skubala. venting is only useful/good when it is directed towards Reality, meaning when it is taken as a step towards actually dealing with the matter and the people involved. venting without reconciliatory motion only propagates entrenched pride and alienation. it also has the peculiar habit of invoking the victimage mechanism and thus is fully a member in the KoW.. the healthy ability that venting allows is the potential for humble dialogue, not the fulfillment of narcissistic [insert blank here depending on the particular psychological state concerned]. unsurprisingly, it follows that venting is a human mechanism redeemed by and fulfulled in the Incarnation.
I suppose that in the context of the first paragraph, the interlude isn't too random.
I want my writing here to be part of the moving-towards-reconciliation characteristic of Real interaction with Christ, realizing that it will be filled with my pride, my offense-taking, my unjust anger, my inability to communicate, and all the other things that, by all rights, should incapciate Jesus from doing anything useful/meaningful with my work. amazing what's possible with omnipotence.
and so, over the next several posts, I want to write on the following:
- full processing of UPS
- full processing of my relationship with Rachel
- account of this past summer (:D)
- observations on the recognition of evil
- lessons from Hitler
additionally, exciting times are afoot. scary and humbling as all get out, but because of the amazing potential therein. lots of joy & lots of prayer.
---
Christ, I submit to You. Make that submission reality.
---
"All poetry and music, and art of every true sort, bears witness to man's continual falling in love with beauty, and his desparate attempt to induce beauty to live with him and enrich his common life."
- J.B. Phillips
random interlude: I'm not sure how universal the principle is, but the notion of venting as a healthy means of expunging anger is, if taken entirely unto itself, complete bullshit/skubala. venting is only useful/good when it is directed towards Reality, meaning when it is taken as a step towards actually dealing with the matter and the people involved. venting without reconciliatory motion only propagates entrenched pride and alienation. it also has the peculiar habit of invoking the victimage mechanism and thus is fully a member in the KoW.. the healthy ability that venting allows is the potential for humble dialogue, not the fulfillment of narcissistic [insert blank here depending on the particular psychological state concerned]. unsurprisingly, it follows that venting is a human mechanism redeemed by and fulfulled in the Incarnation.
I suppose that in the context of the first paragraph, the interlude isn't too random.
I want my writing here to be part of the moving-towards-reconciliation characteristic of Real interaction with Christ, realizing that it will be filled with my pride, my offense-taking, my unjust anger, my inability to communicate, and all the other things that, by all rights, should incapciate Jesus from doing anything useful/meaningful with my work. amazing what's possible with omnipotence.
and so, over the next several posts, I want to write on the following:
- full processing of UPS
- full processing of my relationship with Rachel
- account of this past summer (:D)
- observations on the recognition of evil
- lessons from Hitler
additionally, exciting times are afoot. scary and humbling as all get out, but because of the amazing potential therein. lots of joy & lots of prayer.
---
Christ, I submit to You. Make that submission reality.
---
"All poetry and music, and art of every true sort, bears witness to man's continual falling in love with beauty, and his desparate attempt to induce beauty to live with him and enrich his common life."
- J.B. Phillips
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