and thus ends winter quarter.. almost

I stand amazed: it simultaneously feels like this quarter has been going on for years and as though it just started. sort of like an extended version of the "every day an eternity and a moment" feeling I had through much of ups. decidedly different however: graduated life moves at a lot slower pace and things change much slower, perhaps at a much more realistic and natural pace. life has definitely been full however-
1. probably the top of the list would be the one thing I won't let myself write about publicly yet. it still deserves space because of its inherent coolness/mystery (I'm happy). suffice it to say that I would really appreciate prayer: for peace, for continuing patience, for wisdom, and for the simple ability to relax and enjoy a surpassing blessing. I apologize for the vagueness; perhaps it won't be necessary in too long, and perhaps it will. sad: I could write and talk and think about this for hours. alas. reality man.
2. physics and math have definitely consumed my life. didn't see that coming with the whole grad student thing. =p
- classes this quarter have been good (well, up to s&m with bulgac - oh, and "s&m" refers to statistical mechanics; the house name for the class is "s&m with bulgac" though). in terms of academic performance, they've been really good, for which I'm incredibly grateful. about five weeks or so was the low point of the year so far, where my brain just wasn't working and I was sick and tired of endless amounts of busy-work. and God has definitely carried me since then. and thus my thanks and praise. interesting though: I think my tiredness is definitely throwing off my perception, because I think I've been grateful and thankful and have consciously been aware/communicated-to-others the many ways that God's kept me going, and yet right now it feels as though I've been an unthankful whore, soaking up His blessings and then ignoring His kindness and running back to work and letting my spirit stay there. I don't know. praise God that His grace covers all of our sins and frees us both from things we actually do to separate ourselves from Him and the things we merely think and feel have offended God. it's so freaking powerful and good that it reconciles God's anger at us, and it reconciles our hearts back to him in entirety.
[I can tell I'm tired: I started out talking about classes and got on about grace, although it's probably not a fault to randomly interject about the goodness of God =p]
- for most of my life, I've known that I'm pretty smart, but I've never known just what kind of gift God had given until recently. it's a question that, even though I really didn't want it to linger, stuck around anyway (probably as a result of pride & curiosity). I don't find it weird that now that I'm starting to get an answer to the question, I don't really care anymore. a gift is simply that: a gift. powerful, sometimes eye-grabbing, but still a gift. and in this case, the full fruition of the gift only comes as a result of the Giver's continuing assistance and guidance. the way God's set that up is really cool I think: I can't take credit for my intelligence for my pride in the first place because I didn't give it to me, and second in order for the gift to be fully used, it requires His help all the freaking time (which again smacks down the development of pride). and that's just the human dimension (negative in this case - the structure helps defend us from sin) where satan uses our talents to try to make us think of ourselves as little gods. the positive/constructive is even cooler: the fulfilled/redeemed use of the gift is an offering unto heaven, finer than the sweetest music, and gives glory back to the Giver and brings Him happiness/joy.
I pray that my intelligence would consciously be attuned to the continuing glory of the Kingdom, particularly in the mundane (i.e. pages of useless algebra =p).
- logistically, this was supposed to be the most difficult quarter of the year and possibly the whole time in grad school. unfortunately, I may be taking my newfound freedom and getting too excited and thus geting overcommitted for next quarter:
1. physics 515 - e/m 3
2. physics 519 - quantum 3
3. physics 5?? - the paper class (easy)
4. math 546 - manifolds 3 (finally - we'll actually be able to take a derivative like two weeks into the last quarter of the freaking class :D)
5. physics 600 - group theory with kaplan
6. physics 600 - string theory project with karch
7. physics 503 - teaching seminar (doesn't really count)
all told, something like ~23 credits, or double standard load by the credit count. I pray I'm not going too far here.
- oh, and the string theory thing looks freaking awesome. to start out with, it'll just be classical mechanics on a curved background as a model for mesons and flux tubes (really surprising, and really cool). boo yah shaka (and it almost comes back to something physical).

God continues to be good. it cannot be emphasized enough.

this weekend's gonna be frikkin awesome too. yes.

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Christ, I give the rest of this night to You. I delight in the rest that comes from sitting at Your feet and taking in Your light. Take my life and continue to redeem it, conform it to Your ways, and continue to give me Your mind and life.

In order for that to happen, You say that I must share in Your death (and thus share in Your Resurrection). Show me where I am holding back and where I am resisting Your call to plunge into death Jesus. Help me to submit and make it perfect.

Praise be to the King of Creation and Eternity.