On Guilt, Part 1

general note for this and future posts that will undoubtedly get pretty messy:
as much as possible, I am going to try to write about the craziness in my own life and not about the simultaneous details in other folks' lives. for example, when I write/process about dating rachel, the writing is going to be limited as much as possible to my choices/shortcomings/et al rather than a comphrehensive summary of the matter. emphasis will be placed on my internal dynamics rather than the actions/modes of the other people involved (after all, their privacy is at stake). the self-centeredness will assuredly rise out of confession rather than pride (if only due to the nature of the content).

the objective here is honest self-examination in the possible presence of some peers that will be altogether good. for a variety of reasons (some eluciadated in this post), I tend to be quite reclusive with the deeper details of my life with the two-fold consequence:
1. separation from friends
2. induced lack of self-knowledge (with the primary concern being full honesty)
hopefully this exercise will help towards getting past this silliness.

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anyone who's known me longer than ten minutes probably knows that I am extremely vulnerable to guilt trips. and by extremely, I mean that you could probably have me feeling sicker than a kitten on anthrax inside of ten minutes over just about nothing. it follows pretty easily that I consider myself somewhat qualified to talk objectively about the role of guilt in my life; I will extrapolate generally as able.

before beginning, I'm not talking about the healthy sense of guilt that happens when we know we muck it up and need to do something to recompense. the dominant mechanism there is a form of repentance, which is by very nature an active thing. no, I'm talking about the kind of guilt that leaves you feeling sick inside and unable to move. this brings us to the first general property of guilt and its effects:

1. guilt tends to be a pacifier (it incapacitates)
I speak not of pacificsm but of the stopping that guilt causes. it tends to be an immobilizing force that renders static any dynamic internal quality and seeks to impose a stoppage on the relationship with the outside world. for this reason..

2. guilt tends to separate
in particular, it naturally follows from the above that guilt separates people from people, putting an unspoken distance in friendship and spreading a silence over the things that matter. the mechanism here is effectively a distancing of the self from reality in relationships, which spills over into a separation of the subject from himself. because of the guilt, he feels less and less like himself each day that he recognizes its power - a feeling that is rooted in the psychological fact of the actual (instead of merely perceived) distancing. finally and most importantly, since the guilt separates and distances from reality in the two human forms of relationship (with others, self-interaction), it extends to God and turns our faces from Him.

so far, I've spoken of guilt as the active agent here. I don't think that's entirely accurate. in a sense, it becomes something altogether its own, but our volition is still involved. in that sense, we use guilt to achieve passification and separation, generally in order to deal with its more violent effects.

that's all for now. I need to sleep. :D continuation anchored in personal anecdote will follow.

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"It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. And yet for this reason I found mercy, in order that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His percet patience, as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life.
Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."
- I Timothy 1:15-17