...
it's good to be captivated by beauty.
I won't write anything more; mere words would trivialize.
---
Glorious! Luminous!
29.1.06
19.1.06
Interessant
from cnn.com: U.S. rejects bin Laden tape's 'truce' offer
notable quotes-
"The war against America and its allies will not be confined to Iraq," the voice on the tape said, adding that "Iraq has become a magnet for attracting and training talented fighters."
"It's only a matter of time," the voice said, referring to attacks. "They are in the planning stages, and you will see them in the heart of your land as soon as the planning is complete."
"In response to the substance of the polls in the U.S., which indicate that Americans do not want to fight Muslims on Muslim land, nor do they want Muslims to fight them on their land, we do not mind offering a long-term truce based on just conditions that we will stick to.
"We are a nation that God banned from lying and stabbing others in the back. Hence, both parties of the truce will enjoy stability and security to rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan, which were destroyed by war.
"There is no problem in this solution, but it will prevent hundreds of billions from going to influential people and warlords in America -- those who supported Bush's electoral campaign. And from this, we can understand Bush and his gang's insistence on continuing the war."
thus we conclude several things:
1. bin laden did not make his first international appearance in over a year idly. the content of his speech was not directed at members of al qaeda, making the american public his primary audience. this video then falls in the same category as nearly all other bin laden tapes: blatant propaganda. [I saw a few folks on some "left-leaning" blogs that merely presumed that the tape was fake and that the bush administration created the tape as a stumping tool towards military action against iran; they.. have a problem]
2. in the history of military propaganda (particularly modern, i.e. the past seventy years), the folks creating the propaganda rarely pull a reverse psychology trick. this has been especially true of terrorist organizations and the modern middle east.
3. it follows that the reaction bin laden & co are trying to elicit is not "well bin laden's bashing bush and the current policies.. and since he knows that we're going to go against whatever he suggests, he really wants us to support bush/current policy.. and therefore we'll stand all the stronger against it!" look at vichy france during WWII and messages coming out of the kremlin during the cold war. now that both conflicts are over, we're able to compare the propaganda record with the internal documents that reflect the actual views of the government involved. whenever did german propaganda try to elevate churchill's status in britain? whenever did soviet russia make a plug for reagan? from time immemorial until the present, propaganda is not designed to be complex and pull a princess bride. it is designed to antagonize the fears and insecurity of the population targeted with the hope of bringing division, discord, and demoralization. this case is no different.
4. to make things absolutely clear, there's a reason why half of the tape sounded like it was pulled from fahrenheit 9/11. and it's not because moore's right.
al qaeda is hurting. they're hurting bad. sending in bombers from outside iraq to bomb iraqi civilians hasn't exactly made the iraqis happy. bombing native jordanians hasn't exactly made them happy either. the enemy is losing soldiers at apparently a 10:1 clip compared to american casualties, and as valuable as every american casualty has been to the enemy's cause via our own media (if WW2 had been fought with our media covering it.. we'd live in a different world), the pool of terrorist recruits is growing smaller every day. pissing off the local muslim populations has only encouraged their support base to rat them out and seek their death (see al-zarquawi's recent disownage by his own family). logistics and planning for future operations in the american heartland have been disrupted by continued success in afghanistan, well-intelled raids in iraq, and the little-discussed fruits of current american policy.
the question until now has been "well, even if the above is true, how much have we hurt them on an absolute scale?" now we know.
bin laden's suggestion for a truce is simultaneously a play to the half of our nation who wants our troops home now and an admission of how much damage al qaeda has received over the past four years. we hit them directly in afghanistan, but I suspect that iraq has been even more of a logistical drain on al qaeda than it's been on us:
- a terrorist organization's support structure can rely only so much on fear to keep folks in line. since most of their recruits of late have been hell-bent on american presence in iraq, they have little choice but to direct their focus there. this is factually supported in that al qaeda's training camps seem to consistently be focused on combat training. as opposed to more.. asymmetrical endeavors.
- continuing the item above, it takes planners and higher-ups to be able to direct these missions in iraq. planners that used to spend time figuring out how to get us by flying planes into our cities are being forced to plan missions against muslims and armed, armored american troops.
- as useful as our presence in iraq has been to al qaeda's recruitment effort, the growing suspicion and downright anger towards al qaeda fermenting in much of the muslim world involved will have long-term effects that will ultimately produce a much stronger drain on al qaeda than shooting them will.
- however, iran is a serious wild card here. that brand of terrorist-supporting extreme nationalism could potentially negate all gains here through simple state subsidy and exploitation of the victimage mechanism (particularly jews; this upcoming "holocaust conference" in iran is not pointless).
very interesting indeed. I suspect that we've been far more effective than we'd hoped.
---
frikkin mountains.
I'm excited for this weekend:
- get to see jim & emily before she heads off to france
- seahawks are playing for the superbowl on sunday
- church!
- solid, undistacted time with God
boo yah.
---
"After all, I quite naturally want to live in order to fulfill my whole capacity for living, and not in order to fulfill my reasoning capacity alone, which is no more than some one-twentieth of my capacity for living. What does reason know? It knows only what it has managed to learn (and it may never learn anything else; that isn't very reassuring, but why not admit it?), while human nature acts as a complete entity, with all that is in it, consciously or unconsciously; and though it may be wrong, it's nevertheless alive."
- Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky
notable quotes-
"The war against America and its allies will not be confined to Iraq," the voice on the tape said, adding that "Iraq has become a magnet for attracting and training talented fighters."
"It's only a matter of time," the voice said, referring to attacks. "They are in the planning stages, and you will see them in the heart of your land as soon as the planning is complete."
"In response to the substance of the polls in the U.S., which indicate that Americans do not want to fight Muslims on Muslim land, nor do they want Muslims to fight them on their land, we do not mind offering a long-term truce based on just conditions that we will stick to.
"We are a nation that God banned from lying and stabbing others in the back. Hence, both parties of the truce will enjoy stability and security to rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan, which were destroyed by war.
"There is no problem in this solution, but it will prevent hundreds of billions from going to influential people and warlords in America -- those who supported Bush's electoral campaign. And from this, we can understand Bush and his gang's insistence on continuing the war."
thus we conclude several things:
1. bin laden did not make his first international appearance in over a year idly. the content of his speech was not directed at members of al qaeda, making the american public his primary audience. this video then falls in the same category as nearly all other bin laden tapes: blatant propaganda. [I saw a few folks on some "left-leaning" blogs that merely presumed that the tape was fake and that the bush administration created the tape as a stumping tool towards military action against iran; they.. have a problem]
2. in the history of military propaganda (particularly modern, i.e. the past seventy years), the folks creating the propaganda rarely pull a reverse psychology trick. this has been especially true of terrorist organizations and the modern middle east.
3. it follows that the reaction bin laden & co are trying to elicit is not "well bin laden's bashing bush and the current policies.. and since he knows that we're going to go against whatever he suggests, he really wants us to support bush/current policy.. and therefore we'll stand all the stronger against it!" look at vichy france during WWII and messages coming out of the kremlin during the cold war. now that both conflicts are over, we're able to compare the propaganda record with the internal documents that reflect the actual views of the government involved. whenever did german propaganda try to elevate churchill's status in britain? whenever did soviet russia make a plug for reagan? from time immemorial until the present, propaganda is not designed to be complex and pull a princess bride. it is designed to antagonize the fears and insecurity of the population targeted with the hope of bringing division, discord, and demoralization. this case is no different.
4. to make things absolutely clear, there's a reason why half of the tape sounded like it was pulled from fahrenheit 9/11. and it's not because moore's right.
al qaeda is hurting. they're hurting bad. sending in bombers from outside iraq to bomb iraqi civilians hasn't exactly made the iraqis happy. bombing native jordanians hasn't exactly made them happy either. the enemy is losing soldiers at apparently a 10:1 clip compared to american casualties, and as valuable as every american casualty has been to the enemy's cause via our own media (if WW2 had been fought with our media covering it.. we'd live in a different world), the pool of terrorist recruits is growing smaller every day. pissing off the local muslim populations has only encouraged their support base to rat them out and seek their death (see al-zarquawi's recent disownage by his own family). logistics and planning for future operations in the american heartland have been disrupted by continued success in afghanistan, well-intelled raids in iraq, and the little-discussed fruits of current american policy.
the question until now has been "well, even if the above is true, how much have we hurt them on an absolute scale?" now we know.
bin laden's suggestion for a truce is simultaneously a play to the half of our nation who wants our troops home now and an admission of how much damage al qaeda has received over the past four years. we hit them directly in afghanistan, but I suspect that iraq has been even more of a logistical drain on al qaeda than it's been on us:
- a terrorist organization's support structure can rely only so much on fear to keep folks in line. since most of their recruits of late have been hell-bent on american presence in iraq, they have little choice but to direct their focus there. this is factually supported in that al qaeda's training camps seem to consistently be focused on combat training. as opposed to more.. asymmetrical endeavors.
- continuing the item above, it takes planners and higher-ups to be able to direct these missions in iraq. planners that used to spend time figuring out how to get us by flying planes into our cities are being forced to plan missions against muslims and armed, armored american troops.
- as useful as our presence in iraq has been to al qaeda's recruitment effort, the growing suspicion and downright anger towards al qaeda fermenting in much of the muslim world involved will have long-term effects that will ultimately produce a much stronger drain on al qaeda than shooting them will.
- however, iran is a serious wild card here. that brand of terrorist-supporting extreme nationalism could potentially negate all gains here through simple state subsidy and exploitation of the victimage mechanism (particularly jews; this upcoming "holocaust conference" in iran is not pointless).
very interesting indeed. I suspect that we've been far more effective than we'd hoped.
---
frikkin mountains.
I'm excited for this weekend:
- get to see jim & emily before she heads off to france
- seahawks are playing for the superbowl on sunday
- church!
- solid, undistacted time with God
boo yah.
---
"After all, I quite naturally want to live in order to fulfill my whole capacity for living, and not in order to fulfill my reasoning capacity alone, which is no more than some one-twentieth of my capacity for living. What does reason know? It knows only what it has managed to learn (and it may never learn anything else; that isn't very reassuring, but why not admit it?), while human nature acts as a complete entity, with all that is in it, consciously or unconsciously; and though it may be wrong, it's nevertheless alive."
- Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky
16.1.06
Week of January 16
happy mlk day. worth remembering.
this past weekend saw the following:
1. the seahawks' first win in the postseason since the year I was born. (woot)
2. a chance to catch up with liane and enjoy friendship.
3. a good talk with lilje (we miss you brother; far more than you'll ever know)
4. church :D (gotta love a church whose sermon series on I corinthians is titled "christians gone wild")
5. ~24 hours of physics/math problem sets & grading
6. one freaking awesome phone call. same feeling as the one you get from goin' ho and barely nabbing a disc while fully extended parallel to muddy ground six inches below you. in the inzone. with a defender running right for your face while you catch it. the kind of feeling that makes you instantly leap to your feet with a roar in your mouth and fire in your eyes.
it'll play out, but for now it's quite excellent. the future's in God's Hands, but the present is mighty full.
officially confirmed: exciting times are afoot.
on tap for this week:
- manifolds 2 [W] (almost done..)
- e/m 3 [Th] (looks pretty straight-forward)
- prep for quantum/manifolds 3 for next week
- relearning representation theory for su(2)
- dad's comin up! [W]
- second part of EFT lecture [F]
the EFT talk last week was good. critical content was:
1. effecient computation of scaling dimension
2. scale invariance of action true, but doesn't imply that each term contributes equally to correlation functions; through feynman, we see that it's the couplings that determine importance
3. evidently (up to a physical lack of duality for the mass) (d+1)-dimensional relativistic scalar field couplings transform like (d-1+1)-dimensional nonrelativistic yada yada yada. and vice versa.
and UPS people are now back. :D
---
Staring at the shoreline
Wishing for some hope
The weight of empty fishing nets
Is more than twisted rope
And underneath stern faces
They wait with baited breath
With broken hearts from hoping
While casting out their nets
Sees their failure on the Shore
Speaks His words like plain men sing
His hands they still have holes in them
Glory to the King!
Can you hear the bells a-ringing?
Far, far away?
Can you hear the voices singing?
Far, far away?
And Peter was a liar
A traitor just like me
And Judas was a hypocrite
And Paul a pharisee
When Truth can be so distant
And Hope evades our reach
Peter swam across the water
And found It on the beach
Can you hear the bells a-ringing
Far, far away?
Can you hear the voices singing
Far, far away?
I know that one day soon a song shall rise
You'll hear it when the sleep's still in your eyes!
I hear they'll hang you upside-down
Stretched across two boards
For hearing distant voices
And crossing to the Lord
- Five Iron Frenzy, Far Far Away
this past weekend saw the following:
1. the seahawks' first win in the postseason since the year I was born. (woot)
2. a chance to catch up with liane and enjoy friendship.
3. a good talk with lilje (we miss you brother; far more than you'll ever know)
4. church :D (gotta love a church whose sermon series on I corinthians is titled "christians gone wild")
5. ~24 hours of physics/math problem sets & grading
6. one freaking awesome phone call. same feeling as the one you get from goin' ho and barely nabbing a disc while fully extended parallel to muddy ground six inches below you. in the inzone. with a defender running right for your face while you catch it. the kind of feeling that makes you instantly leap to your feet with a roar in your mouth and fire in your eyes.
it'll play out, but for now it's quite excellent. the future's in God's Hands, but the present is mighty full.
officially confirmed: exciting times are afoot.
on tap for this week:
- manifolds 2 [W] (almost done..)
- e/m 3 [Th] (looks pretty straight-forward)
- prep for quantum/manifolds 3 for next week
- relearning representation theory for su(2)
- dad's comin up! [W]
- second part of EFT lecture [F]
the EFT talk last week was good. critical content was:
1. effecient computation of scaling dimension
2. scale invariance of action true, but doesn't imply that each term contributes equally to correlation functions; through feynman, we see that it's the couplings that determine importance
3. evidently (up to a physical lack of duality for the mass) (d+1)-dimensional relativistic scalar field couplings transform like (d-1+1)-dimensional nonrelativistic yada yada yada. and vice versa.
and UPS people are now back. :D
---
Staring at the shoreline
Wishing for some hope
The weight of empty fishing nets
Is more than twisted rope
And underneath stern faces
They wait with baited breath
With broken hearts from hoping
While casting out their nets
Sees their failure on the Shore
Speaks His words like plain men sing
His hands they still have holes in them
Glory to the King!
Can you hear the bells a-ringing?
Far, far away?
Can you hear the voices singing?
Far, far away?
And Peter was a liar
A traitor just like me
And Judas was a hypocrite
And Paul a pharisee
When Truth can be so distant
And Hope evades our reach
Peter swam across the water
And found It on the beach
Can you hear the bells a-ringing
Far, far away?
Can you hear the voices singing
Far, far away?
I know that one day soon a song shall rise
You'll hear it when the sleep's still in your eyes!
I hear they'll hang you upside-down
Stretched across two boards
For hearing distant voices
And crossing to the Lord
- Five Iron Frenzy, Far Far Away
12.1.06
Assembled Randomage
1. james was right. a [science] grad student is a function that maps caffeine to output space.
2. biology needs a 1905.
3. self-righteousness extends far beyond the religious sphere of life. so does orthodoxy. both are tied to the submission of freedom (intellectual, moral, et al) to a system.
4. the overt lack of a political/social philosophy in the Gospel only tells us that Jesus invites us to join Him in transcending politics. not buddhist transcendence or some such nonsense. Christ's transcendance is unique in the spiritual dialogue in that it actively deals with politics while exposing its mechanism, ultimately revealed in the Crucifixion.
5. being a Christian (on the days where I actually feel like a little Christ..) grad student in physics is.. a learning experience. being a Christ-representative in the physics workplace is very different than at S/V or UPS. lots of learning from the Master required.
6. when you set up an empirical epistemology wherein the necessary forms for an event's possible signature are a priori dissallowed, noting the lack of admissible evidence to that event doesn't constitute a disproof of said event's existence. it only says that you know how to turn the crank on your a priori criteria.
7. america really is a unique nation in the history of hegemonies thus far (whether due to broader trends in the west or america's specific cultural brand, we'll see), namely in how unimperialistic our policies have been relative to historical precedent. historically, truly imperialistic democracies require something close to a supermajority's support for blatantly imperialistic policy. and no, iraq isn't and never was imperialism. if it was, we wouldn't have reached $3/gallon in cali this past summer. which leads to..
8. if modern academia had a decent appreciation for military history and closely studied the surrounding trends, chomsky would be out of a job. in a just world, he'd also be executed on the basis of the justification and support his writings have provided for a slew of totalitarian regimes and by proxy the virtual enslavement and murder of significant portions of their populaions (current project is revisiting american involvement in serbia, which thus far amounts to an expulcation of guilt from milosevic & co.). sorry bud. exporting mcdonald's versus spastically gassing your own citizens and raping their descendants isn't really much of a comparison.
9. in general, there are too many bright people in the social sciences that are smart enough to construct models ten levels of abstraction from available evidence but aren't wise enough to relate the effectiveness of such overelaborative construction. there's also the small matter of effective untestability, where such models run the dangerous road of appearing to merely represent the fluctuating whims of the involved community with no means to evidentially show otherwise.
10. music bears a fundamental relation to the erotic, a fact revealed in the language often used to describe its structure and effects. as such, perhaps music is a clue to part of eros-nature as found in eternity..?
---
"He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart."
- C. S. Lewis
2. biology needs a 1905.
3. self-righteousness extends far beyond the religious sphere of life. so does orthodoxy. both are tied to the submission of freedom (intellectual, moral, et al) to a system.
4. the overt lack of a political/social philosophy in the Gospel only tells us that Jesus invites us to join Him in transcending politics. not buddhist transcendence or some such nonsense. Christ's transcendance is unique in the spiritual dialogue in that it actively deals with politics while exposing its mechanism, ultimately revealed in the Crucifixion.
5. being a Christian (on the days where I actually feel like a little Christ..) grad student in physics is.. a learning experience. being a Christ-representative in the physics workplace is very different than at S/V or UPS. lots of learning from the Master required.
6. when you set up an empirical epistemology wherein the necessary forms for an event's possible signature are a priori dissallowed, noting the lack of admissible evidence to that event doesn't constitute a disproof of said event's existence. it only says that you know how to turn the crank on your a priori criteria.
7. america really is a unique nation in the history of hegemonies thus far (whether due to broader trends in the west or america's specific cultural brand, we'll see), namely in how unimperialistic our policies have been relative to historical precedent. historically, truly imperialistic democracies require something close to a supermajority's support for blatantly imperialistic policy. and no, iraq isn't and never was imperialism. if it was, we wouldn't have reached $3/gallon in cali this past summer. which leads to..
8. if modern academia had a decent appreciation for military history and closely studied the surrounding trends, chomsky would be out of a job. in a just world, he'd also be executed on the basis of the justification and support his writings have provided for a slew of totalitarian regimes and by proxy the virtual enslavement and murder of significant portions of their populaions (current project is revisiting american involvement in serbia, which thus far amounts to an expulcation of guilt from milosevic & co.). sorry bud. exporting mcdonald's versus spastically gassing your own citizens and raping their descendants isn't really much of a comparison.
9. in general, there are too many bright people in the social sciences that are smart enough to construct models ten levels of abstraction from available evidence but aren't wise enough to relate the effectiveness of such overelaborative construction. there's also the small matter of effective untestability, where such models run the dangerous road of appearing to merely represent the fluctuating whims of the involved community with no means to evidentially show otherwise.
10. music bears a fundamental relation to the erotic, a fact revealed in the language often used to describe its structure and effects. as such, perhaps music is a clue to part of eros-nature as found in eternity..?
---
"He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart."
- C. S. Lewis
11.1.06
Amusing News Stories - January 2006
1. California high school sued over 'intelligent design' class [or, creationists take scientists' advice; get sued]
yet another case of bloody creationists trying to take over the science classroom and impose theocracy, right?
Frazier Mountain High in Lebec violated the separation of church and state while attempting to legitimize the theory of "intelligent design" by introducing it as a philosophy class, according to the federal lawsuit filed by parents of 13 students.
apparently the lawyers didn't get the memo on this one. you know, the one where scientists kept coming forward and saying that intelligent design wasn't really science and that it belonged to philosophy..
oops.
to be fair, as the article goes on, it turns out the class isn't exactly taught in an intellectually balanced/mature/fair/et al fashion. but don't expect a lot out of this one except a huge gasp of irony about a year down the road.
2. Judge: Baby on board is no excuse [or, sexism hits a new low]
PHOENIX, Arizona (AP) -- Fetuses do not count as passengers when it comes to determining who may drive in the carpool lane, a judge has ruled.
Candace Dickinson was fined $367 for improper use of a carpool lane, but contended her unborn child qualified to use the lane. Motorists who use the lanes normally must carry at least one passenger during weekday rush hours.
that's freaking hilarious.
the money quote comes a little further in the article:
Norton said Dickinson's theory "would require officers to carry guns, radios and pregnancy testers, and I don't think we want to go there."
3. Musical breast implants [or, err.. I'm not even gonna try]
I think the iPod trend has gone just a tad too far.
the money quote comes from the guy developing the technology, who by the way happens to be a total engineer:
According to The Sun he said: "It is now very hard for me to think of breast implants as just decorative. If a woman has something implanted permanently, it might as well do something useful."
total engineer. I do have one question for this guy though: how ya planning on downloading new music? call it a hunch (ha!), but something makes me think that USB won't be too popular.
---
in other news, 'tis been a good week. we have a russkie for statmech who makes me crack up each time in lecture. I've never seen someone get so physically intense over physics before. let alone in a russian accent.
boo yah.
---
"'I Am', He said with power
'I Am,' His glory shone
His eyes pierced through like
Sunlight piercing through the sea
My soul has been on fire
My world turned upside-down
Ever since He spoke
Those words to me."
- Fisherman (Don McIntrye)
yet another case of bloody creationists trying to take over the science classroom and impose theocracy, right?
Frazier Mountain High in Lebec violated the separation of church and state while attempting to legitimize the theory of "intelligent design" by introducing it as a philosophy class, according to the federal lawsuit filed by parents of 13 students.
apparently the lawyers didn't get the memo on this one. you know, the one where scientists kept coming forward and saying that intelligent design wasn't really science and that it belonged to philosophy..
oops.
to be fair, as the article goes on, it turns out the class isn't exactly taught in an intellectually balanced/mature/fair/et al fashion. but don't expect a lot out of this one except a huge gasp of irony about a year down the road.
2. Judge: Baby on board is no excuse [or, sexism hits a new low]
PHOENIX, Arizona (AP) -- Fetuses do not count as passengers when it comes to determining who may drive in the carpool lane, a judge has ruled.
Candace Dickinson was fined $367 for improper use of a carpool lane, but contended her unborn child qualified to use the lane. Motorists who use the lanes normally must carry at least one passenger during weekday rush hours.
that's freaking hilarious.
the money quote comes a little further in the article:
Norton said Dickinson's theory "would require officers to carry guns, radios and pregnancy testers, and I don't think we want to go there."
3. Musical breast implants [or, err.. I'm not even gonna try]
I think the iPod trend has gone just a tad too far.
the money quote comes from the guy developing the technology, who by the way happens to be a total engineer:
According to The Sun he said: "It is now very hard for me to think of breast implants as just decorative. If a woman has something implanted permanently, it might as well do something useful."
total engineer. I do have one question for this guy though: how ya planning on downloading new music? call it a hunch (ha!), but something makes me think that USB won't be too popular.
---
in other news, 'tis been a good week. we have a russkie for statmech who makes me crack up each time in lecture. I've never seen someone get so physically intense over physics before. let alone in a russian accent.
boo yah.
---
"'I Am', He said with power
'I Am,' His glory shone
His eyes pierced through like
Sunlight piercing through the sea
My soul has been on fire
My world turned upside-down
Ever since He spoke
Those words to me."
- Fisherman (Don McIntrye)
10.1.06
On Guilt, Part 1
general note for this and future posts that will undoubtedly get pretty messy:
as much as possible, I am going to try to write about the craziness in my own life and not about the simultaneous details in other folks' lives. for example, when I write/process about dating rachel, the writing is going to be limited as much as possible to my choices/shortcomings/et al rather than a comphrehensive summary of the matter. emphasis will be placed on my internal dynamics rather than the actions/modes of the other people involved (after all, their privacy is at stake). the self-centeredness will assuredly rise out of confession rather than pride (if only due to the nature of the content).
the objective here is honest self-examination in the possible presence of some peers that will be altogether good. for a variety of reasons (some eluciadated in this post), I tend to be quite reclusive with the deeper details of my life with the two-fold consequence:
1. separation from friends
2. induced lack of self-knowledge (with the primary concern being full honesty)
hopefully this exercise will help towards getting past this silliness.
---
anyone who's known me longer than ten minutes probably knows that I am extremely vulnerable to guilt trips. and by extremely, I mean that you could probably have me feeling sicker than a kitten on anthrax inside of ten minutes over just about nothing. it follows pretty easily that I consider myself somewhat qualified to talk objectively about the role of guilt in my life; I will extrapolate generally as able.
before beginning, I'm not talking about the healthy sense of guilt that happens when we know we muck it up and need to do something to recompense. the dominant mechanism there is a form of repentance, which is by very nature an active thing. no, I'm talking about the kind of guilt that leaves you feeling sick inside and unable to move. this brings us to the first general property of guilt and its effects:
1. guilt tends to be a pacifier (it incapacitates)
I speak not of pacificsm but of the stopping that guilt causes. it tends to be an immobilizing force that renders static any dynamic internal quality and seeks to impose a stoppage on the relationship with the outside world. for this reason..
2. guilt tends to separate
in particular, it naturally follows from the above that guilt separates people from people, putting an unspoken distance in friendship and spreading a silence over the things that matter. the mechanism here is effectively a distancing of the self from reality in relationships, which spills over into a separation of the subject from himself. because of the guilt, he feels less and less like himself each day that he recognizes its power - a feeling that is rooted in the psychological fact of the actual (instead of merely perceived) distancing. finally and most importantly, since the guilt separates and distances from reality in the two human forms of relationship (with others, self-interaction), it extends to God and turns our faces from Him.
so far, I've spoken of guilt as the active agent here. I don't think that's entirely accurate. in a sense, it becomes something altogether its own, but our volition is still involved. in that sense, we use guilt to achieve passification and separation, generally in order to deal with its more violent effects.
that's all for now. I need to sleep. :D continuation anchored in personal anecdote will follow.
---
"It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. And yet for this reason I found mercy, in order that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His percet patience, as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life.
Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."
- I Timothy 1:15-17
as much as possible, I am going to try to write about the craziness in my own life and not about the simultaneous details in other folks' lives. for example, when I write/process about dating rachel, the writing is going to be limited as much as possible to my choices/shortcomings/et al rather than a comphrehensive summary of the matter. emphasis will be placed on my internal dynamics rather than the actions/modes of the other people involved (after all, their privacy is at stake). the self-centeredness will assuredly rise out of confession rather than pride (if only due to the nature of the content).
the objective here is honest self-examination in the possible presence of some peers that will be altogether good. for a variety of reasons (some eluciadated in this post), I tend to be quite reclusive with the deeper details of my life with the two-fold consequence:
1. separation from friends
2. induced lack of self-knowledge (with the primary concern being full honesty)
hopefully this exercise will help towards getting past this silliness.
---
anyone who's known me longer than ten minutes probably knows that I am extremely vulnerable to guilt trips. and by extremely, I mean that you could probably have me feeling sicker than a kitten on anthrax inside of ten minutes over just about nothing. it follows pretty easily that I consider myself somewhat qualified to talk objectively about the role of guilt in my life; I will extrapolate generally as able.
before beginning, I'm not talking about the healthy sense of guilt that happens when we know we muck it up and need to do something to recompense. the dominant mechanism there is a form of repentance, which is by very nature an active thing. no, I'm talking about the kind of guilt that leaves you feeling sick inside and unable to move. this brings us to the first general property of guilt and its effects:
1. guilt tends to be a pacifier (it incapacitates)
I speak not of pacificsm but of the stopping that guilt causes. it tends to be an immobilizing force that renders static any dynamic internal quality and seeks to impose a stoppage on the relationship with the outside world. for this reason..
2. guilt tends to separate
in particular, it naturally follows from the above that guilt separates people from people, putting an unspoken distance in friendship and spreading a silence over the things that matter. the mechanism here is effectively a distancing of the self from reality in relationships, which spills over into a separation of the subject from himself. because of the guilt, he feels less and less like himself each day that he recognizes its power - a feeling that is rooted in the psychological fact of the actual (instead of merely perceived) distancing. finally and most importantly, since the guilt separates and distances from reality in the two human forms of relationship (with others, self-interaction), it extends to God and turns our faces from Him.
so far, I've spoken of guilt as the active agent here. I don't think that's entirely accurate. in a sense, it becomes something altogether its own, but our volition is still involved. in that sense, we use guilt to achieve passification and separation, generally in order to deal with its more violent effects.
that's all for now. I need to sleep. :D continuation anchored in personal anecdote will follow.
---
"It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. And yet for this reason I found mercy, in order that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His percet patience, as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life.
Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."
- I Timothy 1:15-17
8.1.06
This Week
on tap for this week:
school-related-
- manifolds 1 (hopefully get the hang of it this semester) [M]
- quantum 1 [T]
- e/m 2 [Th]
- statmech 1 [F]
- giving a lecture on effective field theory for our 'lil "pedestrian journal club" [F]
life-related-
- dad's coming up to chill/get away from the estrogen [T]
- ?
current reading list:
- cervantes.don quixote
- dostoevsky.crime and punishment
- girard.I see satan fall like lightning
- peterson.Christ plays in ten thousand places
I think I just need to pick one and finish. alas.
---
And off of the block
I was headstrong and proud
At the front of the line
For the card-carrying, highbrowed
With both eyes fastened tight
Yet unscarred from the fight
Running at full tilt
My sword pulled from its hilt
It's funny how these days can slip away
- Our frail deeds
The last will wave goodbye
It's funny how the hope will bleed away
- The citadels
We build and fortify
Goodbye!
Night came and I broke my stride
I swallowed hard but never cried
When grace was easy to forget
I denounced the hypocrites
Casting first stones
Killing my own
Then You would unscale my blind eyes
And I stood battered but more wise
Fighting to accelerate
Shaking free from crippling weight
With resilience unsurpassed
I clawed my way to You at last
Hands on my knees
I wept at Your feet
I finally believed
That You still loved me
- Five Iron Frenzy, On Distant Shores
school-related-
- manifolds 1 (hopefully get the hang of it this semester) [M]
- quantum 1 [T]
- e/m 2 [Th]
- statmech 1 [F]
- giving a lecture on effective field theory for our 'lil "pedestrian journal club" [F]
life-related-
- dad's coming up to chill/get away from the estrogen [T]
- ?
current reading list:
- cervantes.don quixote
- dostoevsky.crime and punishment
- girard.I see satan fall like lightning
- peterson.Christ plays in ten thousand places
I think I just need to pick one and finish. alas.
---
And off of the block
I was headstrong and proud
At the front of the line
For the card-carrying, highbrowed
With both eyes fastened tight
Yet unscarred from the fight
Running at full tilt
My sword pulled from its hilt
It's funny how these days can slip away
- Our frail deeds
The last will wave goodbye
It's funny how the hope will bleed away
- The citadels
We build and fortify
Goodbye!
Night came and I broke my stride
I swallowed hard but never cried
When grace was easy to forget
I denounced the hypocrites
Casting first stones
Killing my own
Then You would unscale my blind eyes
And I stood battered but more wise
Fighting to accelerate
Shaking free from crippling weight
With resilience unsurpassed
I clawed my way to You at last
Hands on my knees
I wept at Your feet
I finally believed
That You still loved me
- Five Iron Frenzy, On Distant Shores
It's been a while
it's been far too long since I've last written on this blog, but I think that's a good thing. I think the biggest reason why I haven't put anything here lately has been withdrawal from the frustration/anger about politics that characterized so much of my last few months at UPS. when you write in a semi-public place like a blog, I think you're accountable to what you write and the effects it has on the readers you know and love. coming out of UPS, I held that most of what I would write would end up producing a negative effect for myself (providing means for merely venting meaningless political frustration) and for people around me (by dragging them down to the level of my anger). that was unacceptable.
random interlude: I'm not sure how universal the principle is, but the notion of venting as a healthy means of expunging anger is, if taken entirely unto itself, complete bullshit/skubala. venting is only useful/good when it is directed towards Reality, meaning when it is taken as a step towards actually dealing with the matter and the people involved. venting without reconciliatory motion only propagates entrenched pride and alienation. it also has the peculiar habit of invoking the victimage mechanism and thus is fully a member in the KoW.. the healthy ability that venting allows is the potential for humble dialogue, not the fulfillment of narcissistic [insert blank here depending on the particular psychological state concerned]. unsurprisingly, it follows that venting is a human mechanism redeemed by and fulfulled in the Incarnation.
I suppose that in the context of the first paragraph, the interlude isn't too random.
I want my writing here to be part of the moving-towards-reconciliation characteristic of Real interaction with Christ, realizing that it will be filled with my pride, my offense-taking, my unjust anger, my inability to communicate, and all the other things that, by all rights, should incapciate Jesus from doing anything useful/meaningful with my work. amazing what's possible with omnipotence.
and so, over the next several posts, I want to write on the following:
- full processing of UPS
- full processing of my relationship with Rachel
- account of this past summer (:D)
- observations on the recognition of evil
- lessons from Hitler
additionally, exciting times are afoot. scary and humbling as all get out, but because of the amazing potential therein. lots of joy & lots of prayer.
---
Christ, I submit to You. Make that submission reality.
---
"All poetry and music, and art of every true sort, bears witness to man's continual falling in love with beauty, and his desparate attempt to induce beauty to live with him and enrich his common life."
- J.B. Phillips
random interlude: I'm not sure how universal the principle is, but the notion of venting as a healthy means of expunging anger is, if taken entirely unto itself, complete bullshit/skubala. venting is only useful/good when it is directed towards Reality, meaning when it is taken as a step towards actually dealing with the matter and the people involved. venting without reconciliatory motion only propagates entrenched pride and alienation. it also has the peculiar habit of invoking the victimage mechanism and thus is fully a member in the KoW.. the healthy ability that venting allows is the potential for humble dialogue, not the fulfillment of narcissistic [insert blank here depending on the particular psychological state concerned]. unsurprisingly, it follows that venting is a human mechanism redeemed by and fulfulled in the Incarnation.
I suppose that in the context of the first paragraph, the interlude isn't too random.
I want my writing here to be part of the moving-towards-reconciliation characteristic of Real interaction with Christ, realizing that it will be filled with my pride, my offense-taking, my unjust anger, my inability to communicate, and all the other things that, by all rights, should incapciate Jesus from doing anything useful/meaningful with my work. amazing what's possible with omnipotence.
and so, over the next several posts, I want to write on the following:
- full processing of UPS
- full processing of my relationship with Rachel
- account of this past summer (:D)
- observations on the recognition of evil
- lessons from Hitler
additionally, exciting times are afoot. scary and humbling as all get out, but because of the amazing potential therein. lots of joy & lots of prayer.
---
Christ, I submit to You. Make that submission reality.
---
"All poetry and music, and art of every true sort, bears witness to man's continual falling in love with beauty, and his desparate attempt to induce beauty to live with him and enrich his common life."
- J.B. Phillips
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