only a year ago..

here's a prayer I wrote down about a year ago. I just came across it; it's amazing how much we forget in such a short amount of time.

---
"Search me, O God and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way."
- Psalm 139: 23-24

Father-
I am a sinner Lord. I confess my weakness, the rebellion of my flesh, and the pride of my love. God, it is only by Your grace--Your perfect, complete grace--that I do not wither away before Your Presence. LORD, You know my heart. You know it to the depths, in all of its formed glory and its rebellious death. Jesus, You know my heart and my needs. You know because You are my creator and author. Even more, Your Spirit dwells inside of me--a Voice and a Power that straps all other gifts save Yours for comparison. LORD, why do I tolerate living in idolatry? In trying to serve You and the other masters of my life? LORD, I confess that I am an idolater, that I place the pleasure and joy in other peoples' eyes above that of Your own.
"No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will hold to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon."
And then Lord, there is this stuff with Laurie. It feels like the biggest thing of all resting on my heart right now. Is it this simple? Is this feeling in the pit of my stomach a feeling that I get from my own conscience and the disapproval of others or is it from Your Spirit? God, if You want me to drop this relationship... I will. I talked with her not eve a week ago and I confess: I want to hold onto her! I love being able to spend time with her, I love being able to enjoy her presence, and I love her touch, but there are two questions that are far more important:
(1.) Is it Your will? Do you want me to step out of this? [If so, please speak through the web of confusion and fog surrounding my perception and speak Truth into my heart]
(2.) She needs to come to know Your love. Not really a question, but she does. As I am seeking more of her life, I am beginning to see how much she need You. I pray that by this relationship, You would speak to her. Lord, I pray for pain and I pray for tension in her heart. Your Kingdom is here and she was made to be your daugher and a citizen of that glorious realm. That's what she was made for!
"Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow."
- Psalm 57:76

And so, I lay Laurie before Your Cross, as I lay my own life there. I am Yours. You came and You bought me with a price, suffering, rejected, and despised. LORD, I don't want to live a life identifying with, supporting, or giving in to the world that murdered You, not knowing what they were doing. Not in bitterness did You die, but in love and as the ultimate act of grace. We live in Your light and desire to see it this day. Praise You for Your peace Jesus, and we pray for it.
"My peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."
- John 14:27
We are Yours. Praise You!
---

given how much my heart was wrenched as I wrote that down.. I don't know. I can do nothing but recognize God's quiet voice, His faithfulness in answering the prayers above, and continue to pray that God would RESCUE Laurie. and proclaim His ever-present grace, grace that frees us and enables us to live as we were created to live.