the futility of apologetics

another old draft.. partially completed. I may continue this later.

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one of the dangers of being an intellectual in an intellectual culture is this: to ascribe far more importance to logic and thought than is deserved. this is just as true in modern Christendom as in the secular world. the fundamental error is a failure to understand the essence of Truth.

here we note the capitalized Truth, which we denote differently from mere truth; what is the distinction? truth is something we can appropriate with earthly knowledge, systematic or otherwise. truth is a thing that is passed down from one generation to another; a man works for a lifetime to understand a problem or create an invention, and having succeeded, enables his successor to reproduce his work in nary a month. once found (a key word!), truth represents a piece of the absolute and is not regarded as truth unless it can be found by means of a systematic walk. this is all well and good - how else do we make sense of our moon-lit world? - until we do the inevitable and mistake the systematic for the absolute. the systematic was employed to find a facet of the absolute, but that is all! it is a most severe conflation to equivocate in this way, for it leads to confused thinking and even more confused living.

and so it is with all human religion, philosophy, and science.

but this is a description of truth rather than a distinction with Truth. to distinguish we must know what we mean by Truth. but Truth, if it exists, can not be given a clean and simple definition by man, for otherwise it would have been appropriated by the same earthly knowledge that characterizes truth. no, this 'Truth' - naively relating to the sense of Absolute things independent of concept, construction, language, et al - must not, cannot have a definition from human lips. but what sense does it make to talk about something we cannot even precisely discuss?

at this point in our analysis, we are like a man searching his hometown for a distant relation whose name he does not know, whose face he has not seen, and of whom he has only heard scattered fragments from distant travelers. is this man still alive? he does not know. what is this man like? our man can only hazard pieces that uniquely mark his relative as distinct.

but this is precisely where Jesus enters! in the same verse where He identifies Himself to be the (unique) Way and the Life, He also identifies Himself as the Truth! we must stop here to appreciate the audacity, offense, and uniqueness of this statement.

this Veritas is given form in a Person, in fact in the Person. not systematized nor a methodology, not a structure of laws or principles, not a morality or code of living, but a PERSON! outrageous!
[aside: on these grounds alone, it is clear that Jesus claimed to be God]

but how do we respond to such a claim? what means do we have to verify or falsify it? absolutely none. for what means does earthly knowledge have for searching out Truth? (here the language informs and self-organizes) the response is simple: free choice. anything else is masquerade or self-ignorant compulsion.

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and thus the title of this short piece. apologetics and argument are worthless and deceptive, for they seek to elucidate Truth by means of truth, obscuring this persistent and unalterable fact of choice.

may we never substitute the loving affection of our Redeemer with irrelevant and idolatrous apologetics, whose goal is to make the Truth subject to and governed by earthly inquiry.

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"for since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to those who believe."
- 1 corinthians 1:21

lessons from the week of 07/02

in the spirit of converting drafts into actual writing..

to be fair, lessons and reminders that feel an awful lot like lessons -
lessons:
- when your car alarm is going off at a car dealership, they are happy to get you out quicker than the average person.
- after jumping in a partially frozen-over lake, it really hurts to urinate. give it a little while. seriously.
- when experienced rock climbers start getting freaked out, it's probably time to stop scrambling. not go another couple hundred yards. but, dude, that view..
- a fatally flawed strategy: teaching the body to be strong through a non-use of sunscreen.
- burgundy wine is rather pleasant. more so with good company.
- whether or not they are aggressive, mountain goats can sure as hell act like it. and you know you don't want to get jumped by one. seriously.
- barleywine style ale, ecclesiastes, and italian food make for a good, but weird combination. weird to share in public anyway.

lesson-like reminders:
- God's blessings are not half-assed. especially when that blessing is a person. unless that person tragically had half an ass blown off in a firework accident. I want to meet that person.
- when a person tries to draw general lessons from recent experience, it still has to be tested and verified to be true. simply feeling that something is true doesn't make it true.
- emotional commitment to another person must match the level of stated (verbalized, mutual) commitment.
- conflict resolution is a vital skill. prolonged unwillingness to resolve a conflict usually implies immaturity, a manifest superficiality in the relationship, and/or broken trust (more generally, a relationship/friendship on unequal terms).

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"He has made everything appropriate in its time, He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end."
- ecclesiastes 3:11

interesting notes on intp-folk

it's always interesting how much of your behaviour [what feels specific to you] can be understood generally within personality types.
on a practical basis, it's probably much more useful for to be familiar with type-analysis when dealing with other folks' behaviour in the hope of either understand and/or relating with them.

anyhoo, I found the following article surprisingly accurate. scarily so in many places. but its utility isn't in my personal interest; rather, it states a great number of attributes about folks like myself that seem so 'obvious,' so 'apparent' that they hardly require saying. of course this is a giant lie.

things that were either freakishly accurate and/or often not perceived (or misunderstood) by others (and therefore of particular interest):
- the hierarchy of priorities
- the privateness of thinking
- the 'putting intuition out there for judgment' business; this can really freak people out
- quirky humour
- poorly developed feeling being exposed in confrontations/discussion
- comments on sexuality
- constant self-examination and the connection to insecurity
- all-or-nothing attitude
- penetrating insight after passing through thinking/intuition; extremely primitive and often passive response before that point (passivity substitutes for making a potentially catastrophic mistake)

anyhoo.. (the following should be credited to paul james)

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an intp profile

I have quoted the primary pieces, but the entire piece is worth reading in full.

Primary Axis: Introverted Thinking - Extraverted Intuition

The INTP is above all a thinker and his inner (private) world is a place governed by a strong sense of logical structure. Every experience is to be rigorously analysed, the task of the INTP's mind is to fit each encountered idea or experience into a larger structure defined by logic. For here is the central goal of the INTP: to understand and seek truth. The experience of anything takes a back seat. The INTP is not interested in experiences themselves but is far more fascinated by concepts. The drive to understand things that are not yet understood is a very powerful force in the life of an INTP. Where the Ti preference is strong, this drive can override the experiential element so strongly that the INTP will become quickly bored with anything that he has successfully analysed to the point of understanding it. Once understood, it has nothing left to offer, once the satisfaction which comes with achieving the goal of understanding diminishes. Indeed, most primary interests of an INTP are things which he cannot fully understand, usually because they are highly complex or have some exotic, mystical element that does not yield to analysis. This is the real reason why INTPs are drawn to complexity: anything simple is too quickly understood and cannot hold the fascination for long. Similarly, proficiency in any area (which requires continual practice after understanding) is not such a driving force as it might be for NTJs, for example. While a judging NT will often seek to become master of his field, an INTP is satisfied by analysing it alone. The latter is often more of dabbler with ideas which leads me on to his second crucial aspect: detachment.

The Ti-Ne axis leads to a curious overriding desire to observe from a detached position, indicating the preference for intuitive perception with respect to external things. Since accurate analysis needs to avoid becoming hampered with details or being influenced by the actions of others, the INTP invariably seeks to withdraw, at least in spirit, from the situation being considered. This detachment can sometimes be so marked that he will readily see himself as a neutral observer having no personal association with that going on around him (unless forced to become directly involved through an attack on his principles). The INTP enjoys speculating about how a news item (for example) might be received by other people or how a point of view might offend certain types of people and be supported by yet other types; but to have a point of view of his own rarely seems relevant! This also indicates that Feeling is his least developed function. The argument may even be made that "points of view" and "opinions" are irrelevant since only objective truth counts. In reality, INTPs can often become far less objective than they think they ought to be: precisely at those times when the under-developed Feeling gnaws at his being.

Dominant Function: Introverted Thinking

Now looking specifically at first the Ti, the principle of detachment even encompasses how an INTP views himself. He may analyse his own thought processes as if his mind and body were separate from his conscious self. In wanting to understand his reactions to things, he may treat himself, even his own thoughts, as subjects for experiment. At the extreme end of the scale, where Ti is very dominant, the ultimate goal of understanding the world with total clarity must be achieved through total detachment from everything. Fortunately, Ti never dominates over the other 3 preferences to such an extent that such an unhealthy state is reached.

Where detachment ceases is when someone makes an illogical statement or violates one of the INTPs principles. At such a point, the INTP feels the instant drive to provide for clarity. This is his Mission; to be the provider of clarity, and is often suspicious that he is the only person capable of this task. Here, the INTP risks being seen as over-critical, aloof and arrogant. On the whole, however, real arrogance is rare for INTPs for their desire is not to dominate others but simply to observe, analyse and clarify. Once the point has been clarified, the INTP withdraws quickly, for he prefers not to be in the limelight unless absolutely necessary. Hence, for most of the time, INTPs are easy-going and will fit in to others' needs, taking up the role of observer again.

While proficiency may not be a central goal, competence always is. The difference here may be subtle, but it is important. If an INTP decides to learn a skill, then it is very important for him that he reaches a sufficient level so that basic errors can be avoided. Errors made by others are to be expected and can be criticised. But errors made by oneself attack the very root of the person, which is ultimately about rationality, logic and truth. INTPs hate to think of themselves being in any way inadequate, at least in areas that are important to them. So, as soon as he puts himself behind some task, then he must achieve competency.

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The opinions of others are rarely given much weight in themselves. All opinions must get filtered through an analysis procedure to test for viability. No title or claim of being an "expert" carries any weight with an INTP. All people, big or small, are subject to an identical scrutiny. The INTP sees himself as the independent arbiter, whether a fair claim or not. However, when someone has proved his credentials through having sensible opinions, he will be afforded great respect by the INTP. Most respected of all are those who are not only sensible but also innovative. Intelligence is above all highly prized.

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Finally, the dominant Ti function means that the INTP takes his interests and beliefs very seriously. Honesty and directness when explaining these interests are usually displayed. INTPs detest facades and particulary dislike people who exhibit them. Equally, those kind of people also dislike INTPs and avoid them at all cost, for they know that the INTP will see right through them. The INTP's serious nature also makes them almost immune to mockery and being made fun of, at least when face to face with their mocker. If someone attempts to make a sarcastic, mocking comment about an interest of an INTP, the latter will defend himself with a pure, almost naive seriousness, explaining his position with a severe exactness, wielding his words like swords. This almost always disarms the mocker who does not expect such a penetrating defence. The INTPs defence usually also contains a subtle but biting attack thrown back in the mocker's face, chiefly because the INTP cannot entirely hide the fact that he believes his opponent to be stupid. Such confrontations might develop rapidly into physical ones, a danger that the INTP should be aware of. This ability to wield words with cutting precision is one of the INTP's greatest assests, but equally one of his most deadly traits. He is capable of using words creatively to penetrate deep into the understanding of a subject, but if not checked and wielded carelessly, his words can become highly destructive, especially where the Feeling function is heavily suppressed.

Secondary Function: Extraverted Intuition

Intuition is a mode of perception which focuses on the larger picture, the connections between objects, on the possibilities rather than the facts. When this is extroverted (Ne), the act of intuitive perception grapples with the world itself in order to understand it and its chief goal is to derive meaning. The INTP is sometimes referred to as the architect. The world is an object of study and possibilities for changing and shaping it according to the schemes assessed by the Ti core are derived from intuition.

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Where the extraversion of the iNtuition function becomes obvious is during discussions, especially heated ones. In contrast to INTJs, an INTP will often make controversial, speculative points of argument, often annoying the discussion-partner, and make them in such a way as to leave the impression that he is very serious about what he says. In reality, the INTP is not actually even certain himself whether he really stands by what he is saying, but his Ne strongly suggests that there must be a core of truth there. The purpose then of his outspoken style of argument is to sharpen his own intuitive understanding by testing the reaction of the listener, and indeed to examine the logic of his own arguments in real time while speaking them out. On occasion, INTPs may seem brash and tactless, but for themselves it is part of their way of getting closer to the truth. This is another aspect of the Ne grappling with the external world (in this case discussion with another) to understand it. The Ne provides the raw material for the Ti core to analyse.

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Humour is another aspect which marks out the INTP. He can readily dream up jokes about almost any situation. Taking things out of context is the chief source of humour and many an INTP is a Monty Pythonite. The Ne is the engine and source of this joke-generator. Needless to say, the humour of an INTP can be pretty zany and warped and may not be understood easily by others. The problem is that the Ne concepts for jokes are put into a structure only by the Ti. Hence, the humour can become black and tactless, having felt little Feeling input. Funnily enough, INTPs are dreadful tellers of jokes (which seems to be more the domain of those with Se), perhaps because they pay too little attention to detail when speaking spontaneously. If you see someone smirking and laughing at some private thought, without any obvious reason, he's probably an INTP. INTPs may however make good comedy writers, with the humour of Woody Allen being particularly liked.

The preference for intuitive perception means that INTPs dislike having their lives planned. They feel a distinct unease before most fixed appointments and cannot fully relax until the scheduled event is over, or at least in progress. However, the dreaded event is usually far less of a problem than had been imagined and usually brings with it a sense of satisfaction. Action is therefore the saving grace of an INTP, for a sense of achievement usually outweighs the earlier apprehension. Social appointments can also be greatly enjoyed, once they are underway. But joyful anticipation is rarely experienced beforehand, unless the event is central to the INTP's fields of interest. The source of the unease is simply the feeling that a planned schedule inhibits and robs the INTP of freedom. It is also a subordination to the plans of others which the independent INTP resists. Faithfully helping others is not a problem, however, but he must feel in control of his decision to subordinate or not.

Friendship with INTPs develops at a pace which depends considerably on the temperament of the other person. INTPs dislike making the first move and tend to mirror the emotional content of the other person. A jolly person will quickly bring the INTP out of his shell, as much as that is possible, while a serious person will find a serious INTP looking back at him. In this sense, INTPs preference for intuitive perception (rather than action) with respect to people results in them resembling a chameleon. The INTP can fit into many different modes of behaviour, even contradictory ones, in order to get into the mindset of the other person. The goal is to gain enough intuitive data to analyse and assess the person. In doing this, the INTP remains somewhat reserved, never wholly identifying himself with his surroundings. As chameleons, INTPs are therefore approachable and open, unless the Ne tells the INTP that the other person is a type he doesn't like, in which case the reserved attitude may become too obvious. The chameleon behaviour can be particularly strong when discussing something. The INTP may even argue something that he doesn't really believe himself. Sometimes it is for the intellectual stimulation that comes with the challenge of arguing from a variety of standpoints. Otherwise, it may be to avoid early conflict before the situation has been fully assessed. Chameleons hide their true selves. INTPs do not do this cynically, or indeed all the time, but it is a result of the strong desire to remain detached and observe.

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The Ne-Ti axis also leads to a curious duality in the thinking of the INTP. The dominant Ti core tends to assume the role of a controller and organiser of his life, while the Ne behaves like a free spirit, almost childlike in its enthusiasm. The INTP tends to experience these two forces as an almost continuous tug-of-war, with neither ever quite gaining the upper hand. He is not disturbed by this duality and can view it with wistful humour. If he has been free-spiriting for any length of time, he soon feels duty bound to analyse his behaviour and systematise it. While if he has been in an analytical mode for a while, he will soon decide to do what he wants freely after all. It is a yo-yo situation. Generally, INTPs have a very strong requirement to keep their external, social world as simple and as uncluttered as they can so that they can focus as much energy as possible on their internal world of system analysis and theoretizing. Hence, they tend to be amongst the least demanding and least complicated of all types when interacting with others. They prefer to let the world flow by: to observe the waves being made by others, but to make none themselves. When socializing, the Ne mode dominates, unless a discussion starts up involving the INTP in which case the Ti largely takes over. In their private world it is of course the Ti that dominates.

Tertiary Function: Introverted Sensing

The Sensing function is the mode of perceiving which gathers information from facts, details and objects. When this function is strongly introverted, Si, the focus moves away from external details and is primarly concerned with personal, introspective detail. The experience of the present is not central in itself, as with Se. Rather the focus is on how the present evokes remembered earlier experiences. The key outworking of the Si function is then a concern with memories of the past. INTPs typically have an acute awareness of the passage of past times. Sequences of past events can assume a remarkable solidity in their thinking, while most INTPs have very good memories. Indeed, the sensing function is usually very well developed in its strongly Si mode and forms a strong partnership with the Ti core. Hence, the internal world of the INTP is a world of complex, detailed structure, well organized and methodically kept in order. When an INTP focuses on specific details then he has a very sharp eye for them and will not lose sight of them.

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Introverted Sensing often plays an important role in the private world of the INTP. When he visits a place, whether new or already known, his Si function gives an overriding concern for the atmosphere or mood of the place. In his subconscious, he connects the present experiences of his surroundings with memories of his past, sometimes deep past. A sense of history, of universality, is almost always invoked. When on holiday, the INTP wants to experience above all the ambience of each location. Specific details in the present are relatively unimportant and will not be well remembered. However, the atmosphere or mood will be remembered long after, as though it were a solid object. Since people encountered on a holiday usually count as details, unless more personal contact develops, the INTP tends to be drawn more to lonely, isolated places where atmosphere is less disturbed. Nevertheless, the presence of people does add its own ambience which can also be appreciated considerably. The net result of this concern for past experiences and of mood/atmosphere is that INTPs belong centrally to those types referred to as melancolic. The INTP melancolic is typically drawn to wild polar expanses, to mountain ranges and all places on the edges of civilisation. Whatever his particular yearning might actually be, it has a common root. The homeland of the INTP's psyche is a small and cosy community, isolated in the middle of a vast expanse of wilderness.

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Another area of interest common to INTPs, where Si has a strong influence, is Music. INTPs are usually fascinated by music and may have deep and wide-ranging tastes. Indeed, each of their three main functions (Ti, Ne, Si) plays a role in the enjoyment of music, and indeed music is a key interest for bringing out the feeling shadow of the INTP. Si itself brings a fascination for mood and atmosphere in music as well as for a strong sense of personal nostalgia. INTPs are therefore often keen on melancolic minor-key music in which an introspective and/or esoteric mood is conveyed. Equally, INTPs enjoy hearing music that they heard and enjoyed when younger (provided they can still appreciate it now) and yearn for the sense of nostalgia that it yields. INTPs are also drawn to complexly structured music, thanks to their Ti core. An appreciation of modern classical music, as well as perhaps contemporary jazz, is therefore common with them. Such music types are usually too complex to be understood after a single hearing, which hence provides excellent material for analysis, exciting the INTP no end. Once the basic developmental structure of the music has been assessed, Ne provides the impetus to derive a general meaning of the piece. What does the composer wish to convey, for example? Why was that particular development chosen? Indeed, the Ne is usually hard at work during listening sessions, trying to grasp the meanings behind the often fascinating combinations of sound-world evocations, structural developments and nostalgic impressions.

When the Ti core dominates the choice of music to listen to, the need for intellectual stimulation derived from complex structures and sounds will override concerns for cultured harmony. Hence, INTPs are often drawn to dissonance. Indeed, they may even thoroughly strive for dissonant sound worlds. When in such moods, consonant harmonies, especially of the three-chord-melody variety, are dismissed as boring and uninspired. If an INTP is forced to listen to simple harmonic music for a while, he usually can't wait to feel the relief provided by a few minutes of pure dissonance. The ideal music for the Ti core might be typically a modern symphony, with a complex, but analysable structure, with a rich and varied sound world, predominantly dissonant but with sections of melodic motifs to provide solidity.

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Ultimately, however, music forms a vital, central role in awaking the underdeveloped Fe shadow in the life of an INTP. It is undoutedly Fe that gives the INTP the life-spark to introduce a genuine sense of joy that music is experienced with. To the INTP, the role of Fe in music appreciation remains mysterious. Music forms which may be useful for awakening the shadow are expressive forms of jazz, where extraverted Feeling is central to the music-making process, as well as some expressive Folk styles (Irish for example).

Inferior Function: Extraverted Feeling

Extraverted Feeling judgement, Fe, is the shadow function of the INTP, being by far the least developed of his faculties. Indeed, mature use of Fe typically doesn't begin to take shape until well into middle age. Feelings and emotions are regarded with suspicion and perhaps fear by the INTP and he may be keen to avoid considering or showing them. At the same time, he may experience a certain fascination for the emotional world, but he is desperate to de-personalize any thoughts on that area. He is compelled to subject his emotions to continual analysis, the Ti core literally suppressing the Fe shadow, attacking Fe with accusations of irrationality. He resists letting his feelings go, fearing that to do so would be to relinquish control to an unknown force. He believes emotions to be of a lesser substance than logic and his natural goal would be to conquer his emotions with pure rationality.

Much of the above demonstrates the immature and underdeveloped approach with which the INTP meets his emotional side. In reality, the extraverted nature of the INTP's feeling judgement means that his emotions, when visible, are pretty direct and easy to assess. Since the INTP normally wishes to hide his emotions; when they do come out, they do so in outbursts with an almost childlike innocence. There is a sense of all-or-nothing and, when visible, there is nothing enigmatic about the feelings of an INTP: indeed, shadow functions always seem pretty raw and basic.

When making on the spot decisions while extraverting with another person, the shadow Fe is often temporally exposed on the front line. Its immature nature may then result in an inadequate decision being made. The INTP may regret this later when the Ti core has analysed the events. Hence, INTPs tend to resist being forced to make quick decisions, for they know that their Fe judgement is their achilles heel. However, the resistance is sometimes weakened when Ne jumps in to back up the Fe. The accuracy of the intuitive insight then becomes crucial if the INTP is to avoid fatal errors. It is interesting to observe that the external world of the INTP involves a very free-spirited Ne-Fe partnership, while the internal world is a very clinical detail-structure-analysis Ti-Si combination. Hence, the outward behaviour of an INTP can contrast strongly with his introspective world.

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People with introverted Feeling, Fi, however, will deliberately choose to listen to music which helps them change and improve their mood. INTPs could never do that. They feel an unpleasant sense of disharmony whenever a music style clashes with their emotional state. Indeed, it is remarkable how much attention they pay to their emotions when music is involved.

Sexuality is another important area which brings out the Fe shadow of the INTP. Sexuality fascinates INTPs in a similar way to music. Both have an emotional core which does not entirely yield to analysis. Sexual feelings often clash with the INTPs desire to control and understand his universe. They also clash with the desire for detachment and keeping a distance. But sexuality is the one thing who's natural power can break through any type dynamics. Hence, sexuality can play a big role in balancing the INTP's functionality. However, the INTP's natural approach to sexuality will still have true-to-type elements. He will be keen to understand and categorise his sexual responses. He will be keen to see first the generalities of male- and femaleness before any personal references are made. Nevertheless, in an intimate relationship, the extraverted nature of the feeling judgement leads to a beneficial openness and empathic directness in responding to the partner's needs, providing the healthy development of the Fe function is encouraged. Indeed, for many INTPs, an intimate relationship is the only place where the Fe shadow can really develop fruitfully.

The inferior nature of the Fe shadow shows itself, otherwise, in the lack of ability to show active empathy with people undergoing strong emotions. If he wishes to encourage the emotional person, the INTP tends to resort to giving T-based solutions to the problems involved. Often, the INTP does not really know how to empathize and may feel discomfort and helplessness, especially when he understands the rational basis for the emotions. He may become frustrated that the person remains unhappy in spite of hearing his T-based solutions. Much worse is when the emotional person appears to be being irrational. INTPs detest irrational emotion above all things. INTPs must take a very wide berth around people who appear to be irrationally, outwardly emotional. INTPs are very sensitive to such a trait and fear the potential excesses of the emotional attacks which do not yield to a defence based on logic.

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The feeling shadow is the fear centre of the INTP. He rarely fears any factual thing in the outside world, at least not things that will be encountered in normal day-to-day living. Logic stipulates that external objects or people which threaten can always potentially be dealt with by instigating an active defence strategy. Of course, the possibility of being left truly helpless leaves the INTP cold, for once the Ti core is defeated, the inferior Fe can offer little comfort. Resigned acceptance of the unacceptable is an anathema for INTPs. His typical response to helplessness is to hate the world which has produced it. However, the greatest fears of an INTP are usually ideas generated within his own mind. The problem is that the Ti-Ne axis is capable of conceiving very unpleasant ideas, which may be far from reality and even irrational. Ideas and possibilities assume so much importance in the mind of an INTP that they can override a common sense factual grasp on reality. Since the emotional response to an unpleasant idea is based on an underdeveloped function, it may also fail to bring a return to common sense. The net result is the fear that ideas alone may lead to self-destruction. This fear is irrational and is a cry of help from the feeling shadow when being overdominated by the Ti-Ne axis. This problem can be overcome when more balanced type dynamics result from increasing maturity.

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all things in their time.. doxa.

ad augusta per angusta

'to high places by narrow roads' reads one translation. another, 'to triumph through difficulty.' but the first leads to richer and natural association.

put in these terms, exposition is less creative and more observational.

ad augusta (to high places):
: ad : as in 'constraining to'
- 'under the sun'
- present tense
- romans 7:24
- walking amid sin
- towards an object, a goal
: augusta :
- the great divorce
- 'further up!'
- the source of hope..
- realized partially in the present
- Reality
- more than the place,
- but the Love that makes the places high
per angusta (by narrow roads):
: per :
- what occupies the present before the goal
- necessary; not 'by way of,' but the simply stated 'by'
- statement of fact.. what lies in between
- singular byway
: angusta :
- sermon on the mount
- simplicity and indefensibility of the statement: that the road to the high places is narrow!
- the road to jericho
- the assaulted; the good samaritan
- a narrow road to a high place is fraught with precipice..
- the very earth retreats from that road
- falling is a fact
- and so fear of losing balance is destroyed
- for the goal will be attained
- and here the eyes must be constrained to

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yes!

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as for myself,
1. with God's great help, I've been able to let go of the anger indicated the last time I wrote here. the biggest reminder from that whole mess is that it isn't you or me that changes/redeems the human condition: it is Jesus and none other. cue derek webb:
'and I'll do all I can
to be a better man
I'll clean up this act
and be worse than
when we started.'
when dealing with brothers/sisters, we can legitimately call them out on clear sin issues (where 'calling them out' is a simple call then left to Jesus and authority) or point out how their use of liberty presents a stumbling block (1 corinthians 8; romans 14). but the work of present redemption is Christ's alone. we must not, cannot usurp it! it is a most insidious temptation we must all be on guard for, lest our submitted love become pure idolatry.
2. but this drama pales in importance, scope, and joy to the rest of current life. it's totally an 'nt' thing to focus on present strife in the effort to understand/resolve it, giving it far more concern than it merits. and so it is here.
3. praise Christ for His abundant gifts and the totally healthy excitement/terror they inspire, causing my heart to spend most of its time up around my throat these days. yep.
4. hey, that let's me 'blame' my increasing corniness/romanticism (those two are the same thing, right?) on God. ha!
5. all things in their [God-appointed, God-ordered] time. what a joy to be aligned with that Sovereignty.

the present is full and brimming.

'madness!'

old paper in the sunlight

I got out of bed this morning and looked out into a bright morning. as I stood there, I noticed there was a piece of paper on top of my lil' filing cabinet; on it was a prayer I had written some unknown time ago. as often happens with things you've written and forgotten about, it comes across as familiar and yet alien. almost like peering into the mind of a close friend without him near. anyway..

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a prayer of conviction.

LORD-
I am so far from where You want me to be. You are giving me knowledge of how far short my character and actions are from Your Perfection - as they will be as long as I reside on this earth. I say this not as a surrender to the sin I hate, but as the honest recognition (developing) that I am nothing before You - here and through eternity.
Jesus, You call me to serve only one master - my disobedience is rebellion.
- even my foolish attempts to serve You only end up benefitting me in such a way that it is in doubt whether I was really serving You or merely my own conscience.
- You are above my conscience.

anger, arrogance, hypocrisy, self-righteousness, sagacious level-headedness, self-satisfaction, and chiefly my lack of love for You first and above all things - these are my sins. they accuse me and alternate between haunting me into despair or passing into zealous ignorance. both are unacceptable to You.
- I require Your grace and love --> as a plant needs sunlight.

I love You only when Your love is supplied to and through me. the same for loving others. therefore I cede my rights to myself (help make this real!) in the hope that it will be You, Jesus Christ, alive in me and not merely me. In order to love You as You want/require me to love You, I must carry Your death and therefore Your Life within me.
oh God, Redeemer and Saviour, please make that true.

- Your grace is sufficient for me, in spite of my refusal to accept it.
- Your grace is sufficient for me, even when I attempt to attain a better moral character.
- Your grace is sufficient for me, even when I sin and go on sinning.
- Your grace is sufficient for me, most powerfully when I submit to it.
- Your grace is sufficient for me, for without it what hope do I have?
- Your grace is sufficient for me, for it teaches me that You are sovereign.
- Your grace is sufficient for me, even when I rebelliously live otherwise.
- Your grace is sufficient for me, under the sun and in Presence of Your Son.

[may I never cease singing the wonders of Your grace!]

Praise You Father, Son, and Holy Spirit - the Godhead that offers submission and therein the fount of grace (other way around - submission found in grace!).

- Your grace is sufficient for me, for it's the only means by which I can genuinely submit.

doxa.

two hymns

come, ye sinners

come, ye sinners, poor and wretched
weak and wounded, sick and sore
Jesus, ready, stands to save you
full of pity; joined with power
He is able, He is able
He is willing; doubt no more

come ye needy, come, and welcome,
God's free bounty glorify
true belief and true repentance
every grace that brings you nigh
without money, without money
come to Jesus Christ and buy

come, ye weary, heavy laden
bruised and broken by the fall
if you tarry 'til you're better
you will never come at all
not the righteous, not the righteous
sinners Jesus came to call

let not conscience make you linger
nor of fitness fondly dream
all the fitness He requires
is to feel your need of Him
this He gives you, this He gives you
'tis the Spirit's rising beam

lo! the Incarnate God, ascended
pleads the merit of His blood
venture on Him; venture wholly
let no other trust intrude
none but Jesus, none but Jesus
can do helpless sinners good

---

love constraining to obedience

chorus:
to see the Law by Christ fulfilled
to hear His pardoning voice
changes a slave into a child
and duty into choice

no strength of nature can suffice
to serve the Lord aright
and what she has, she misapplies
for want of clearer light
[chorus]

how long beneath the Law I lay
in bondage and distress
I toiled the precept to obey
but toiled without success
[chorus]

then to abstain from outward sin
was more than I could do
now if I feel its power within
I feel I hate it too
[chorus]

then all my servile works were done
a righteousness to raise
now, freely chosen in the Son
I freely choose His ways
[chorus]

---

what magnificent detail and simplicity!

"love constraining to obedience" (not constraining, but constraining to, *to* the object)
"love constrainING to obedience" (present and ongoing tense!)
"love constraining to obedience" (the truth Jesus revealed: that love and obedience are the same)
"love constraining to obedience" (love does involve setting aside will in favour of Christ's)
"love constraining to obedience" (the object is obedience!)

---

free choice! and in that freedom, freedom from that imitation of Truth (conscience; idolatry) and Life in the love the Real Truth joyfully offers.

free choice! truly free and truly chosen! not governed by apologetics or data, which only obscure the fact - bright and pure - that the choice is chosen, not merely deduced.

free choice! do not suffer our attempts to convince ourselves and others that our response to Jesus is anything but free choice made possible by Your Sovereignty.

yes.