gravitas

these twin pillars of life are what conversations among men of God always seem to come back to, drawn in by the inexorable grip of their majesty and/or bewilderment: women and theology.

this principle is how derek webb can start writing a song about a woman and finish by singing about martin luther. it's how I know that a conversation with dave/bryan/russell/etc. still has a long way to go. at least one must be discussed; preferably both.

so we have both today on this most enjoyable sabbath.

---

we're still trying to determine when we became 'official,' but as of either august 7th or july 16th, a lovely woman named sheena kern and I are in relationship. which is pretty stinking awesome. she hasn't realized that she's far too good for me, but she maintains that I'm too good for her. this probably indicates a (mutual) healthy wonder before either of us say another word.

she's a wondrous gift. and because of that she's tremendously distracting: physics has become exponentially harder to do the last month here.

also because of that, I find myself just sitting here and stopping. which is all well and good, but fails to convey the joy and excitement we feel at what is growing between us here.

and so I'll write a small list of observations as a substitute for expressing that which I don't yet know how to do on something so revelatory as a weblog.
- I now know that sheena (and likely women in general) possess a unique superpower that I was never warned about. I gather that she's never used it before now, but I also gather that she enjoys it. this mighty power is this: the ability to render a previously normal and self-respecting man (perhaps only one) into a sappy, corny, romanticized sack of goo before the woman he beholds. I think it's a good thing that she's used this power responsibly, otherwise the world might cease to function.
- physical intimacy is important and also representative. certain pieces of it make a great deal of sense in a way they never did before.
- vulnerability (emotional, spiritual, physical) is a choice and not something that can be expected. it is not a negotiable quid pro quo. it should never be demanded nor feel required. it is hers (mine) to give and mine (hers) to joyfully receive and wisely steward; both of us glory in that.
- "all things in their time under heaven;" so important! to live presently before God and her with appropriate joy, not attaining to the future and what lies ahead before its time but satisfied with His current provision and gift in her and the present state of our relationship.. what relief and what blessing. to be casual and restrained when it is appropriate; to pursue and be pursued in its right time; etc. this is a piece of what it means to be live in His will - that all of this is attained by Him and without the slightest anxiety or overanalysis, that we have been thoroughly natural and Natural. glory!
- I have never found it so hard to be away from a person nor so easy to be around a person. again, what joy we find in living out what God has lovingly sanctioned.
- and also what wonder! my mind and reason feebly attempts to categorize and analyze, to understand the cause-and-effect here, the mechanism for the love slowly growing between us. and it fails; spectacularly. there is nothing I can point to that yields an explanation for why we feel so comfortable around each other (from not even knowing the other for that long), why she commands such attention, or why I feel the way I do around her. I pray that it is not merely (or at least, not only) the meeting of some deep-seeded and hither-to-unrecognized need, but meaningfully the growth of that which remains so mysterious to me. and the same in her.
- the time will come when we encounter each other's sin and flaws in the passive (recognition) and active (hurt). and He'll make us who He wants us to be for Him and the other in that: to be in His will and also to lift up the other. what happiness that that is His domain and that He will do it well.
- pleasure and happiness are majestic and part of God's sanction for our redeemed lives [!], where the pleasure is richly enjoyed as a gift the rich Giver with eyes on Him. so good.
- "what madness!"

---

and now for the other pillar:

- Godly things are those that are truly functional. the converse is also true, where we understand functional to mean the long-term (or, if you will, 'sustainable') form of it rather than a short-term phantom.
- for this reason, God gives balance as a gift that accompanies a walk with Him; making balance the object of our efforts makes it as crass an idol as a golden calf.
- ethics and morality are, insofar as the individual is concerned, synonymous: external conscience according to chosen criteria.
-> and this is yet again the uniqueness of Jesus: a psychologically robust (and functional!) alternative to the slavery of the category of conscience. for the rebellion that is slavery to sin is also slavery to the knowledge of sin and thereby the self-torment of mighty conscience (internal, external). LOVE!

- the modern failure for people to understand the limits of their knowledge is simultaneously responsible for (i.) the growing religiosity of science and (ii.) the growing scientification of religion. the former comes from an ignorance of science and the latter from shallowness.
-> the atheist scientifies religion by imposing an inappropriate and artificial set of criteria for knowledge. by a priori dismissing revelation from his knowledge-gathering and discussion, he reveals himself to be hopelessly self-absorbed and ignorant of his rebellion.
-> the religious scientify religion by treating that same revelation contemptuously and seeking methodical explanations for the fundamentally unreachable.
- deductive philosophy is supposition by another name.
- nondeductive philosophy glorifies the self to the status of Truth; for where does determination then reside?

- total depravity is this: that our 'love' is deadly to the point of the cross; that our response to true Love is hatred and violence.
-> this revelation is consistent through human history but only demythologized in and by Scripture.
-> and thus the vacuity of morality: our depravity is represented by our conduct but is rooted in a confrontation with Jesus Himself. doing nice things is deadly if that doing obscures this deep truth.

- 'suffering is a volitional enhancement upon preexisting pain.' and so Christian suffering is volitional and conscious.
- and so must Christian living be: volitional and conscious, for who claims to be unconscious of his deepest love?

"love does not alter the beloved, it alters itself"
- s.k.