first off, congradulations to all of the engaged people in my life, all 28 million of you. I'd extend a personal note of blessing and well-wishing to each of you, however - alas - there are too many of you.
and so blessings upon you and your soon-to-be-spouse; may you find rich joy in each other, may the Lover of lovers teach you about Himself and each other through your marriage, may the children you raise be a delight to your eye, and may God shower down grace and humility for you to share with each other. enjoy this life and drink it in deeply.
---
and now for the six of us that aren't engaged/married..
singleness is a peculiar kind of suffering. to be single is to experience a measure of pain, but not all pain is suffering and to be single is different than living in singleness. this distinction is - must be! - a crux, a cross which we must understand in being.
pain is circumstantial. the product of choices and events; impersonal, existent despite the pained's response.
suffering is a volitional enhancement upon preexisting pain. for this reason it bears the resemblance of masochism, for whose volition enhances pain except the sufferer's?
a starving man experiences pain - his entire body yearns for food but has no choice except to consume itself instead. in his anguish he may or may not cry out to the heavens - but his body still experiences relentless pain.
now say that this man, as he lies in agony, finds a crust of bread lying next to him. exultant, his spirit rises, and as he reaches towards the crust he sees his child, eyes squeezed shut and body shaking with the same hunger that grips the father, not ten feet away. his exultation immediately fades yet returns just as quickly with a new sensation; he will give the bread to the love of this life. his decision was not a choice, but it was an act of volition. in this moment his pain has been enhanced by suffering, but here the enhancement is not painful. the pain of hunger has not abated, yet somehow its sensation is different: love for his child is at the forefront of his mind and spirit and that love mediates the unchanged pain. through that mediation his pain becomes purposeful and noble, and that nobility recognized by all.
now say that in the moment of exultation this man finds - no, not his precious child! - his fiercest enemy, doubled over and near death. our starving hero now faces an entirely different decision, for the possible act of love before him is an actual decision: his own life or that of his enemy. before conscience would have destroyed him had he chosen his own life over that of his child; now conscience takes leave and all forces human and abstract will contend with him to choose the wise choice, to choose himself. but if our hero is a Christian, he is not accountable to the wisdom of the world but rather to the wisdom and love of the Christ whose Name he bears. he is not even accountable to his own conscience, that pale imitation of the Truth to Whom he must be obedient. and the question is one of obedience: will our hero choose to obey God, loving his enemy at the cost of his own life, or will he rebel? both roads will lead to suffering! should he love, he will find himself suffering alongside Christ - the suffering that comes from willfully setting aside a good thing in favour of obedience and love, and in this suffering he will find enhancement of what might take his life at any moment. should he rebel, his pain will be ameliorated and replaced with the knowledge of rebellion against his love - his choice will be the same as the father's choosing over his son. and he will suffer. but say he loves his enemy. those near will mock him for this unnecessary, uncalled, unwise foolishness and those that pity him for his nobility in fact despise him (for to pity a man in this way is to hold him in contempt). this mockery will only deepen his suffering, but now there is a curious thing to behold: his choice creates anxious suffering in anyone who sees this love, for this kind of love is a confrontation and a challenge. the anxiety passes by the mockers in a moment - death is already there and its fundamental character will not be changed by a single event - but lingers with the pitying crowd, now separated by this love into pitying individuals confronted with a choice: will they also love?
but back to our hero. should he find solace in his obedience, his suffering will now have a new character - it has taken on the purpose of Christ's love. the death-pain is still before him and he is and must be conscious of it - he can do no other! should he ignore the pain, the loving gift is no longer love and he is no longer an honest man. yet this act is that much easier to understand than the conscious choice he has made. what cruelty is this, that our hero must not only be asked to love his enemy while at the hand of death, but that he must be fully aware of his pain, his decision, and its consequences or that love will no longer be love?
let us now go back to the crux, the cross upon which our hero is nailed at the point of suffering and decision: to the choice to love his enemy. as he sees the man before him he also feels the touch of his wife's hand across his brow. as he sits on the brink of oblivion he knows that he has provided for her - her body is nourished and she is not in danger. in her love and terror she offers quiet love to her husband, providing what encouragement she can amid the fear of losing her beloved. her eye catches the crust at the same time as our hero and the two share in the exultation of hope for life. but as his eye catches his enemy he becomes alone. the choice of love will now bring suffering upon his own head and upon his beloved's. and as he hands the bread to his enemy, his wife's exultation will turn to ash and his pain will take on a facet he has chosen but could never wish upon anyone, for now the love of his life is separated from him across an expanse of tears and anger. not only will his choice remove her from him and him from her, but in the point of decision she no longer understands him and the two-become-one they have become is rended like the sky back to two - and this before the physical death that yet awaits him! he experiences premature death in the present, death that must be endured before the death to take him.
but the suffering here is deeper than the continuation of the hunger that will consume him. it is even deeper than the pain that separates him from his wife and friends. it is the fact that he has made a choice, and that to do the unthinkable that no person (only The Person) asks him to do. this is the suffering that enhances his pain - and he cannot even cry out for justice, for to do so would be to turn his back on the choice (and Choice) he has willfully taken. everyone near and far will scream: cruelty! how could One demand such a cruel choice? only our hero will remain silent, for his volition is at one with the One who required this love, and it is by that volition that his decision in the moment and future decisions as he remembers will be defined.
suffering is a volitional enhancement upon preexisting pain.
what clean words to describe such agony.
but this is just one facet of Jesus' suffering on the earth: that He chose the will of the Father to the point of execution; that His suffering became the crux of human history.
---
and this is the distinction between being single and living in singleness. God help me to choose the latter - I must do no other!
5.3.07
hmm
"only the consciousness of sin is the expression of absolute respect, and just for this reason, i.e., because Christianity requires absolute respect, it must and will display itself as madness or horror, in order that the qualitative infinite emphasis may fall upon the fact that only consciousness of sin is the way of entrance, is the vision, which, by being absolute respect, can see the gentleness, loving-kindness, and compassion of Christianity.
the simple man who humbly confesses himself to be a sinner - himself personally (the individual) - does not need at all to become aware of all the difficulties which emerge when one is their simple nor humble. but when this is lacking, this humble consciousness of being personally a sinner (the individual) - yea, if such a one possessed all human wisdom and shrewdness along with all human talents, it would profit him little. Christianity shall in a degree corresponding to his superiority erect itself against him and transform itself into madness and terror, until he learns either to give up Christianity, or else by the help of what is very far remote from scientific propaedeutic, apologetic, etc. - that is, by the help of the torments of a contrite heart (just in proportion to his need of it) learns to enter by the narrow way, through the consciousness of sin, into Christianity."
- Soren Kierkegaard
---
the (nearly) infinite depravity that would murder the Lord of glory beheld in one hand; the (nearly) infinite worth conferred in that death beheld in the other.
this paradox is too harmful and too wonderful for us as we are. a truthful response can only be (in time) rejection or newness. the extreme character of Jesus offers us no other road.
---
rest.
the simple man who humbly confesses himself to be a sinner - himself personally (the individual) - does not need at all to become aware of all the difficulties which emerge when one is their simple nor humble. but when this is lacking, this humble consciousness of being personally a sinner (the individual) - yea, if such a one possessed all human wisdom and shrewdness along with all human talents, it would profit him little. Christianity shall in a degree corresponding to his superiority erect itself against him and transform itself into madness and terror, until he learns either to give up Christianity, or else by the help of what is very far remote from scientific propaedeutic, apologetic, etc. - that is, by the help of the torments of a contrite heart (just in proportion to his need of it) learns to enter by the narrow way, through the consciousness of sin, into Christianity."
- Soren Kierkegaard
---
the (nearly) infinite depravity that would murder the Lord of glory beheld in one hand; the (nearly) infinite worth conferred in that death beheld in the other.
this paradox is too harmful and too wonderful for us as we are. a truthful response can only be (in time) rejection or newness. the extreme character of Jesus offers us no other road.
---
rest.
20.1.07
germany, 1935 (redux)
Rule by decree passed for Chavez
Venezuela's National Assembly has given initial approval to a bill granting the president the power to bypass congress and rule by decree for 18 months. President Hugo Chavez says he wants "revolutionary laws" to enact sweeping political, economic and social changes. He has said he wants to nationalise key sectors of the economy and scrap limits on the terms a president can serve. Mr Chavez began his third term in office last week after a landslide election victory in December. The bill allowing him to enact laws by decree is expected to win final approval easily in the assembly on its second reading on Tuesday. Venezuela's political opposition has no representation in the National Assembly since it boycotted elections in 2005. Pledge Mr Chavez approved 49 laws by decree during the first year of his previous term, after the assembly passed a similar "Enabling Law" in November 2000. Now the president says an Enabling Law is a key step in what he calls an accelerating march toward socialism. He has said he wants to see major Venezuelan power and telecoms companies come under state control. Mr Chavez also called for an end to foreign ownership of lucrative crude oil refineries in the Orinoco region. Critics of the president accuse him of trying to build an authoritarian regime with all institutional powers consolidated into his own hands. But, National Assembly President Cilia Flores said "there will always be opponents, and especially when they know that these laws will deepen the revolution". Campaigning for the elections last year, Mr Chavez vowed he would strengthen his "Bolivarian revolution", named after the 19th-Century Latin American independence fighter.
oh the rhetoric of revolution. how many millions will be sacrificed on its altar this time?
17.1.07
'failed' rest
hmmm, the return to uber-nerdom didn't take as long as I figured.
but for now, a deliberate break. since my mind is still immersed in work and obligations, I s'pose this time will become freewriting-towards-becoming-human-again.
---
of course, I don't have the slightest idea what to write about. this presents a problem. I feel somewhat absent of substance right now; I silence my thoughts still left from the day's work and I don't find much of anything else worth keeping around. flickers, temptations, and an amazingly strong impulse to simply stare into the dark. but no substance.
in short, I feel pretty stinkin' useless right now. or just extremely passive.
and I suspect that me trying to invigorate myself back into active life is about as reasonable as fanning flames without a fire. it's got to involve other people and/or God. both being accepted and loved by them in the vacuous days and to give someone else to focus on and love in those days.
---
I count four degrees of separation from sheer randomness to loneliness. not bad. ha.
my hope is still and must remain in God. and thereby Life.
but for now, a deliberate break. since my mind is still immersed in work and obligations, I s'pose this time will become freewriting-towards-becoming-human-again.
---
of course, I don't have the slightest idea what to write about. this presents a problem. I feel somewhat absent of substance right now; I silence my thoughts still left from the day's work and I don't find much of anything else worth keeping around. flickers, temptations, and an amazingly strong impulse to simply stare into the dark. but no substance.
in short, I feel pretty stinkin' useless right now. or just extremely passive.
and I suspect that me trying to invigorate myself back into active life is about as reasonable as fanning flames without a fire. it's got to involve other people and/or God. both being accepted and loved by them in the vacuous days and to give someone else to focus on and love in those days.
---
I count four degrees of separation from sheer randomness to loneliness. not bad. ha.
my hope is still and must remain in God. and thereby Life.
2.1.07
matters of the heart (as of january 2nd)
one of the great things about a two-week break is that it gives you just enough time to almost become a normal human being again. until you (meaning me) get reminded that you're (meaning that I am) actually an uber-nerd and can't stay away from uber-nerdom for too long without getting tingly.
I predict that this reminder will hit me upside the bowels of my gut in about three days. which means that time is short. I've had a swirl of thoughts and emotions and prayers that are partially sorted out and I'd like to go a few steps further in doing so.
---
first off, stuff that's on my heart now: (resolve the moment in the appearance of clarity and move backwards)
i. my family
ii. a friendship that still feels a tad strange but shouldn't
iii. reflection from the past year
iv. the ongoing romantic angst
'"when people say that 'experience is the best teacher,' they only have it half right. processed experience is the best teacher."
- dave clark
my family.. is and always has been interesting. a source of simultaneous love, comfort, and torment. I s'pose that these are the characteristics of 'all things under the sun,' which makes the whole mess feel less isolated, but doesn't take away the sick reaction that we must have to all sin. anyhoo. I write here in confidence: if you know my sister, please don't speak to her of this. she's a part (not a large one though, thankfully) of the mess and I'd rather have her hear it from me than from someone outside our family.
short story: my parents are on the verge of separation. while my dad has entertained thoughts/hopes of this in the past, he has laid those down and been committed to working out his own anxiety/depression/adhd issues in addition to the history between him and my mom. however, my mom has now 'had enough.' over the past year of her and my dad dealing with their issues, she's become very distracted and her business has suffered substantially. now, bear in mind that her business suffering means that her income has gone from 'ludicrous' to 'half-ludicrous' (a far cry from the lower-middle-class place we lived in until just after college). she thinks that some time apart will (i.) help her recover her business-functionality and (ii.) give my dad the time/space to work out a lot of his stuff.
my response is this: the first reason is a statement that business/money/economics is more important than the most important relationship in your life; the second reason ignores the basic fact that they are two-become-one, that in order to recover a functioning marriage they must be able to support and work through conflict together. in short, I see the whole matter as an escape, a running-away, a cop-out, and a selfish turning-back. am I being too harsh? almost guaranteed. I speak from the naive hope that God should be taken at His word and that He can accomplish all things. thus, the deeper issue I have is that both of these reasons are examples of how the world reasons and deals with problems: they represent the pursuit of a goal excluding God's intervention.
the part I've mostly kept to myself is one of the parts that hurts most. you see, my mom, even though I disagree passionately with her, is looking to God first and is ultimately committed to her marriage with my dad. she approaches the whole matter with tears and regret. my sister.. wants this to happen. she's actively encouraging and pushing my mom to put my dad out the door. for her, she fiercely thinks this will help my mom, but a substantial part of her advocacy comes from the hatred she has for the power my dad has over her. and so, power-rivalry is more important than family.
it is sickening betrayal. I want to get all rhetorical, but any words I write won't express the fact that my principal feelings are rage and wrath. I love my mom and sister; in that love I cry that this behaviour is childish and both of them know better. I don't care what you've been through or what sorrows you've experienced: they don't give you a pass to become a traitor to your own blood (because whatever reasonable-sounding reasons you can come up with, this constitutes the breaking of the spirit of the deepest oath on earth for convenience). especially when the litany of 'awful things they've experienced' are perpetually accompanied by miscommunication, blindness, and their own lens of condescension/bitterness through which they view nearly everything my dad says and does.
I don't want to have these thoughts and feelings towards my own family. I hate it. I want to trust them completely and to be able to dance with them in that trust and love. but my family is mired in sin just as much as I am. we live 'under the sun' along with everything else. to ignore that sight and understanding is to reject clarity and truth (or what tiny shadow I actually see). after all, whether my sight is clear or not, the way the Kingdom works is by keeping clear sight of Jesus, not by keeping clear sight of the things around us. so let Christ be our Guide and Light as He sees all our filth and then covers it with His mercy.
a picture: when I was a kid and I started acting like the jackass kid that I was (and still am), I'd finally open my eyes and realize my jackass-behaviour and apologize. in our family, we took the whole apologize/repentance/forgiveness-thing and talked about it as a single step - 'let's start over.' this is my chief prayer for my parents, that they will 'start over.' for, if they don't, they will be forever haunted by the 35 years of war and history through which they see every action and word in the present. they need to show mercy so desparately, to hope in each other, to give the benefit of the doubt, to set aside self-protection and self-defense.
LOVE! MERCY! GRACE! FORGIVENESS! HOPE!
'sometimes the bravest thing of all is to hope.'
and so I pray that you would join me in prayer: for my family to look to Christ first and that He would heal our family. we need it. He can do it and He is the only One Who can.
---
the second thing on my heart is a friend I saw for the first time for several months a couple days ago. around this time last year, I was very interested in her and pursued her romantically for the next few months. it took her some time, but she put it together that she was not interested in me and thus that chapter ended. however (and fortunately) we developed a solid friendship during that time, one that I still thank God for and treasure.
in the months after, we were able to maintain a good amount of friendship in addition to a good amount of awkwardness. imagine that. anyway, we didn't really talk about it in a meaningful way and deal with it until the end of summer. that exchange happened via email (that most real-feeling mode of communication), as she was leaving to go abroad for several months. serious relief. incredible relief. we then kept up an email exchange while she was gone (I consciously tried to leave the initiative with her for her sake) with non-awkward, healthy communication. praise God.
and so it was with a strange feeling that I found myself withdrawn from her this past weekend. I didn't want to be, but I couldn't not give her distance. it's still messing with my head and I'm frustrated with myself for it. outwardly, it probably wasn't too noticeable, but it was definitely there.
I think there's several reasons why I'm giving her more distance than I should be right now.
1. resolving awkwardness via email may be real, but it probably takes some real contact for that to sink in to the heart.
2. on the whole, I felt out of place the whole weekend. granted I've felt out of place nearly everywhere (this stuff with my family has a part I'm sure), but it was definitely a bit stronger while I was out at soundview. I don't know if that's because the staff I grew up with have all passed beyond (the only other staffers left from my first few summers were dave & sarah), or if because what I need right now is not the laughs of short-term, short-commitment contact but some substantial encouragement from folks that know me deeply.
3. before she left, our dynamic had me too clingy and her too distrustful. since I was only too aware of the walls she put up, I gave her too much distance (making me twisted up) which of course didn't solve anything - for it didn't actually deal with anything. I think that behaviour is still there and hasn't had a chance to go away. but, it doesn't make sense for that behaviour to simply go away either. why? well, that distance was something I gave her largely out of fear of even more awkwardness and otherwise pissing her off. at this point, my clingyness and unhealthy attachment to her has faded sufficiently that I don't think they will generate further strain on us. however, I think I fear that I'll come across that way. and so, the easiest way to avoid all that is by giving distance and feeling cold. that totally solves the problem. not.
and thus one of the great blessings/curses (necessarily both distinctly) of relationship in any form: it requires both parties. as much as I'd like to wipe away that fear and get myself all fixed up and shiny, the thing that will probably take it away will be her and assurance of healthy friendship from her. I need to recover my trust.
I guess we'll see. further prayer. I look forward to being able to laugh at all of this.
---
in the interest of time, I think I'll save the rest for tomorrow.
"..always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our body. For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal body."
- II Corinthians 4:10-11
I predict that this reminder will hit me upside the bowels of my gut in about three days. which means that time is short. I've had a swirl of thoughts and emotions and prayers that are partially sorted out and I'd like to go a few steps further in doing so.
---
first off, stuff that's on my heart now: (resolve the moment in the appearance of clarity and move backwards)
i. my family
ii. a friendship that still feels a tad strange but shouldn't
iii. reflection from the past year
iv. the ongoing romantic angst
'"when people say that 'experience is the best teacher,' they only have it half right. processed experience is the best teacher."
- dave clark
my family.. is and always has been interesting. a source of simultaneous love, comfort, and torment. I s'pose that these are the characteristics of 'all things under the sun,' which makes the whole mess feel less isolated, but doesn't take away the sick reaction that we must have to all sin. anyhoo. I write here in confidence: if you know my sister, please don't speak to her of this. she's a part (not a large one though, thankfully) of the mess and I'd rather have her hear it from me than from someone outside our family.
short story: my parents are on the verge of separation. while my dad has entertained thoughts/hopes of this in the past, he has laid those down and been committed to working out his own anxiety/depression/adhd issues in addition to the history between him and my mom. however, my mom has now 'had enough.' over the past year of her and my dad dealing with their issues, she's become very distracted and her business has suffered substantially. now, bear in mind that her business suffering means that her income has gone from 'ludicrous' to 'half-ludicrous' (a far cry from the lower-middle-class place we lived in until just after college). she thinks that some time apart will (i.) help her recover her business-functionality and (ii.) give my dad the time/space to work out a lot of his stuff.
my response is this: the first reason is a statement that business/money/economics is more important than the most important relationship in your life; the second reason ignores the basic fact that they are two-become-one, that in order to recover a functioning marriage they must be able to support and work through conflict together. in short, I see the whole matter as an escape, a running-away, a cop-out, and a selfish turning-back. am I being too harsh? almost guaranteed. I speak from the naive hope that God should be taken at His word and that He can accomplish all things. thus, the deeper issue I have is that both of these reasons are examples of how the world reasons and deals with problems: they represent the pursuit of a goal excluding God's intervention.
the part I've mostly kept to myself is one of the parts that hurts most. you see, my mom, even though I disagree passionately with her, is looking to God first and is ultimately committed to her marriage with my dad. she approaches the whole matter with tears and regret. my sister.. wants this to happen. she's actively encouraging and pushing my mom to put my dad out the door. for her, she fiercely thinks this will help my mom, but a substantial part of her advocacy comes from the hatred she has for the power my dad has over her. and so, power-rivalry is more important than family.
it is sickening betrayal. I want to get all rhetorical, but any words I write won't express the fact that my principal feelings are rage and wrath. I love my mom and sister; in that love I cry that this behaviour is childish and both of them know better. I don't care what you've been through or what sorrows you've experienced: they don't give you a pass to become a traitor to your own blood (because whatever reasonable-sounding reasons you can come up with, this constitutes the breaking of the spirit of the deepest oath on earth for convenience). especially when the litany of 'awful things they've experienced' are perpetually accompanied by miscommunication, blindness, and their own lens of condescension/bitterness through which they view nearly everything my dad says and does.
I don't want to have these thoughts and feelings towards my own family. I hate it. I want to trust them completely and to be able to dance with them in that trust and love. but my family is mired in sin just as much as I am. we live 'under the sun' along with everything else. to ignore that sight and understanding is to reject clarity and truth (or what tiny shadow I actually see). after all, whether my sight is clear or not, the way the Kingdom works is by keeping clear sight of Jesus, not by keeping clear sight of the things around us. so let Christ be our Guide and Light as He sees all our filth and then covers it with His mercy.
a picture: when I was a kid and I started acting like the jackass kid that I was (and still am), I'd finally open my eyes and realize my jackass-behaviour and apologize. in our family, we took the whole apologize/repentance/forgiveness-thing and talked about it as a single step - 'let's start over.' this is my chief prayer for my parents, that they will 'start over.' for, if they don't, they will be forever haunted by the 35 years of war and history through which they see every action and word in the present. they need to show mercy so desparately, to hope in each other, to give the benefit of the doubt, to set aside self-protection and self-defense.
LOVE! MERCY! GRACE! FORGIVENESS! HOPE!
'sometimes the bravest thing of all is to hope.'
and so I pray that you would join me in prayer: for my family to look to Christ first and that He would heal our family. we need it. He can do it and He is the only One Who can.
---
the second thing on my heart is a friend I saw for the first time for several months a couple days ago. around this time last year, I was very interested in her and pursued her romantically for the next few months. it took her some time, but she put it together that she was not interested in me and thus that chapter ended. however (and fortunately) we developed a solid friendship during that time, one that I still thank God for and treasure.
in the months after, we were able to maintain a good amount of friendship in addition to a good amount of awkwardness. imagine that. anyway, we didn't really talk about it in a meaningful way and deal with it until the end of summer. that exchange happened via email (that most real-feeling mode of communication), as she was leaving to go abroad for several months. serious relief. incredible relief. we then kept up an email exchange while she was gone (I consciously tried to leave the initiative with her for her sake) with non-awkward, healthy communication. praise God.
and so it was with a strange feeling that I found myself withdrawn from her this past weekend. I didn't want to be, but I couldn't not give her distance. it's still messing with my head and I'm frustrated with myself for it. outwardly, it probably wasn't too noticeable, but it was definitely there.
I think there's several reasons why I'm giving her more distance than I should be right now.
1. resolving awkwardness via email may be real, but it probably takes some real contact for that to sink in to the heart.
2. on the whole, I felt out of place the whole weekend. granted I've felt out of place nearly everywhere (this stuff with my family has a part I'm sure), but it was definitely a bit stronger while I was out at soundview. I don't know if that's because the staff I grew up with have all passed beyond (the only other staffers left from my first few summers were dave & sarah), or if because what I need right now is not the laughs of short-term, short-commitment contact but some substantial encouragement from folks that know me deeply.
3. before she left, our dynamic had me too clingy and her too distrustful. since I was only too aware of the walls she put up, I gave her too much distance (making me twisted up) which of course didn't solve anything - for it didn't actually deal with anything. I think that behaviour is still there and hasn't had a chance to go away. but, it doesn't make sense for that behaviour to simply go away either. why? well, that distance was something I gave her largely out of fear of even more awkwardness and otherwise pissing her off. at this point, my clingyness and unhealthy attachment to her has faded sufficiently that I don't think they will generate further strain on us. however, I think I fear that I'll come across that way. and so, the easiest way to avoid all that is by giving distance and feeling cold. that totally solves the problem. not.
and thus one of the great blessings/curses (necessarily both distinctly) of relationship in any form: it requires both parties. as much as I'd like to wipe away that fear and get myself all fixed up and shiny, the thing that will probably take it away will be her and assurance of healthy friendship from her. I need to recover my trust.
I guess we'll see. further prayer. I look forward to being able to laugh at all of this.
---
in the interest of time, I think I'll save the rest for tomorrow.
"..always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our body. For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal body."
- II Corinthians 4:10-11
24.12.06
Christmas (part i.)
in the great tradition of two-part thoughts..
on Christmas.
part i.: destructive
this evening I joined my family for a candlelight service at the church they've attended for the past two years. it's a place where I've always felt that something was awry - an intuitive reaction in my gut that something was wrong. and I mean a deeper sense of wrong than the involuntary wincing from the cliche four-chord 'praise songs' and 'three-bullet-point sermons.' tonight, I now know what the root of that sense was, for it was revealed with such gusto and enthusiasm that willful delusion is its only inhibitor.
or put another way, I have never felt a stronger urge to step up from a pew during 'worship,' walk toward the podium of a church, grab a microphone, and perform a small reenactment of Jesus-in-the-temple. truthfully, I wish I had.
or perhaps I am wrong. perhaps the proper way to honor the Christ for Whom we celebrate Christmas is by invoking the timeless, Jesus-first classics of "jingle bells" and "sleigh ride." perhaps the reason why Jesus Christ humbly came into His creation was to make us happy and 'shine light into our dark times.' perhaps the darkness He came to shine light into is really the doubt, distress, and disappointment inflicted on us by an unkind fate. perhaps Jesus Christ, the executed Lord of glory, is really nothing more than a tool for our benefit when we don't feel awesome. perhaps there is no place for fear in life, least of all towards the consuming-God-of-the-Angel-armies. perhaps the best way for the bride of Christ to honor her future Husband is by focusing on Him as little as possible, and when forced by pretense to speak of Him, to manipulate and transform her Saviour into a Rescuer-from-psychological-anxiety (for is this Jesus not more palatable to an unbelieving world?).
or as I should have learned from last week's service at another church, perhaps Christ came to earth to give us joy and help us to be thankful and kind to one another. perhaps that's the reason that mankind - US! - abused, tormented, despised, condemned, mocked, and unjustly executed the innocent and loving Son of the Living God. to help us to be thankful; to make our frustrating times a little happier.
have no doubt, my reader, that Christ accomplishes all of these things. but surely pagans recognize that this - the idea that He came, lived, suffered, died, and was resurrected primarily for these things alone - is a mockery and a foolishness beyond words! it is traitorous adultery, mindless delusion, and willful rejection of Christ as He is - for how else can we replace Him with a worthless idol/shadow of the true Christ? (or, as the men whose teaching I relate above suggest, a shadow of even a mere man! for what man would we, should he have given his life over to destruction for helping make people more thankful or brighter, not justly hold his goal as at most a sad pagan self-sacrifice, let alone an act worthy of worship? even an atheist sees this madness for what it is, in spite of his venom.)
in the theologically magnificent words of my younger sister: "what the hell?"
the one thing of Christianity, the only lesson it teaches (wherein it teaches all lessons to be taught) is the Gospel (to which the second part of this thought will be given). what was spoken tonight.. could not be legitimately called drivel. my dear reader, when you hear words about Jesus, when you hear Christians and non-Christians alike speak of Who He was and what He did, take heed. for many churches and many enemies of the church have said volumes about the Jesus-of-their-beliefs, rather than the Jesus who walked the Judean countryside two thousand years ago.
and it is that Jesus, the crucified, incarnate Logos of the immortal Father Who matters most - Jesus as He truly was, is, and will be.
God have mercy on us all.
on Christmas.
part i.: destructive
this evening I joined my family for a candlelight service at the church they've attended for the past two years. it's a place where I've always felt that something was awry - an intuitive reaction in my gut that something was wrong. and I mean a deeper sense of wrong than the involuntary wincing from the cliche four-chord 'praise songs' and 'three-bullet-point sermons.' tonight, I now know what the root of that sense was, for it was revealed with such gusto and enthusiasm that willful delusion is its only inhibitor.
or put another way, I have never felt a stronger urge to step up from a pew during 'worship,' walk toward the podium of a church, grab a microphone, and perform a small reenactment of Jesus-in-the-temple. truthfully, I wish I had.
or perhaps I am wrong. perhaps the proper way to honor the Christ for Whom we celebrate Christmas is by invoking the timeless, Jesus-first classics of "jingle bells" and "sleigh ride." perhaps the reason why Jesus Christ humbly came into His creation was to make us happy and 'shine light into our dark times.' perhaps the darkness He came to shine light into is really the doubt, distress, and disappointment inflicted on us by an unkind fate. perhaps Jesus Christ, the executed Lord of glory, is really nothing more than a tool for our benefit when we don't feel awesome. perhaps there is no place for fear in life, least of all towards the consuming-God-of-the-Angel-armies. perhaps the best way for the bride of Christ to honor her future Husband is by focusing on Him as little as possible, and when forced by pretense to speak of Him, to manipulate and transform her Saviour into a Rescuer-from-psychological-anxiety (for is this Jesus not more palatable to an unbelieving world?).
or as I should have learned from last week's service at another church, perhaps Christ came to earth to give us joy and help us to be thankful and kind to one another. perhaps that's the reason that mankind - US! - abused, tormented, despised, condemned, mocked, and unjustly executed the innocent and loving Son of the Living God. to help us to be thankful; to make our frustrating times a little happier.
have no doubt, my reader, that Christ accomplishes all of these things. but surely pagans recognize that this - the idea that He came, lived, suffered, died, and was resurrected primarily for these things alone - is a mockery and a foolishness beyond words! it is traitorous adultery, mindless delusion, and willful rejection of Christ as He is - for how else can we replace Him with a worthless idol/shadow of the true Christ? (or, as the men whose teaching I relate above suggest, a shadow of even a mere man! for what man would we, should he have given his life over to destruction for helping make people more thankful or brighter, not justly hold his goal as at most a sad pagan self-sacrifice, let alone an act worthy of worship? even an atheist sees this madness for what it is, in spite of his venom.)
in the theologically magnificent words of my younger sister: "what the hell?"
the one thing of Christianity, the only lesson it teaches (wherein it teaches all lessons to be taught) is the Gospel (to which the second part of this thought will be given). what was spoken tonight.. could not be legitimately called drivel. my dear reader, when you hear words about Jesus, when you hear Christians and non-Christians alike speak of Who He was and what He did, take heed. for many churches and many enemies of the church have said volumes about the Jesus-of-their-beliefs, rather than the Jesus who walked the Judean countryside two thousand years ago.
and it is that Jesus, the crucified, incarnate Logos of the immortal Father Who matters most - Jesus as He truly was, is, and will be.
God have mercy on us all.
22.12.06
and now for something a tad different..
a progressive ballad (draft i.)
behind moments
of piercing light,
everpresent
grey clouds reason,
hope, emotion,
and that other.
this is 'the life
under the sun' -
no conclusions,
only a morass
of distrustful,
poor 'evidence.'
what to conclude,
what do we see
fro the mere breath
of sense and space?
our fate is a
night of twilight.
discovery:
the twilight is
not a limit,
but rather Truth
in the absence
of any other.
(at least any
we can verify.)
to claim a god,
even The God
is then a show
and denial
of the only
Truth we can show.
the lack of proof
itself a proof,
or even a
complete disproof -
what do I care?
irrelevant.
passing from a
question of truth
to a matter
of convenience
and coherence,
I see no need.
it has passed to
the subjective:
unanswerable
questions that have
no bearing on
my moral life.
for morality
is still a goal -
and a noble one!
why shouldn't it?
to disobey
your conscience
is an act of
inward treason.
whether I cloak
it in a shroud
of 'reason' or
social contract -
whatever words
conceal the cause,
I have still found
the long-sought goal.
morality and
no God in sight.
'a mind awake'
is terrifying,
but a conscience
life-shattering.
no god in sight,
but the conscience
must be appeased,
be satisfied.
with nothing more
than a dark fog
at his command,
what higher truth
does man possess
than this rela-
tive, entirely
progressive thought?
ancients spoke thus:
'fear of the LORD
is the begin-
ing of wisdom.'
let us be clear:
never was a
more backwards and
primitive thought
captured by the
record of men.
the label is just
and the contempt
absent of fault,
for religion
of hate and fear
is exericse
of rhetoric
by sacred priests.
elaborate
unnecessary
and militant
imposition
of one conscience
and so much more.
a benefit of
having no faith
unsubstantiate
is that I know
the bounds of
my grey beliefs.
tolerance comes
automatic
and I am thus
free from the one
universally
agreed grievance.
but I cannot
take credit for
this great light-burst.
instead I will
humbly exalt
the winding of
history and
my experiences,
random yet wise;
with these in mind,
self-righteousness
is beyond me.
a Christian said
'without immortality,
everything is permitted.'
here is an abyss,
something that
we dare not draw
near to.
the anarchy
of conscience is
progressive as
long as it is
not taken too
seriously.
it requires
composure, a
courage that can
quickly leave
if you unwisely
plug the depths
of genuine
anarchy.
but if we take a
swift step back,
we see that this
is merely an
example of
natural law:
all things found in
moderation.
I know of no
other way to
escape this piece
of incomplete
reductio
ad absurdum.
ev'ry honest
belief has a
god in function.
in sum, my god
is certainly
not what they, in
arrogance call
the God of gods.
unable to
place the crown
on a mere man's brow,
I set it on
the mantle of
no-God-conscience.
anything else
is backwards fear
or idolatry.
a quiet word
softly comes: to some
contemptible,
but I regard
it a noble
defense of will,
a rebellion.
behind moments
of piercing light,
everpresent
grey clouds reason,
hope, emotion,
and that other.
this is 'the life
under the sun' -
no conclusions,
only a morass
of distrustful,
poor 'evidence.'
what to conclude,
what do we see
fro the mere breath
of sense and space?
our fate is a
night of twilight.
discovery:
the twilight is
not a limit,
but rather Truth
in the absence
of any other.
(at least any
we can verify.)
to claim a god,
even The God
is then a show
and denial
of the only
Truth we can show.
the lack of proof
itself a proof,
or even a
complete disproof -
what do I care?
irrelevant.
passing from a
question of truth
to a matter
of convenience
and coherence,
I see no need.
it has passed to
the subjective:
unanswerable
questions that have
no bearing on
my moral life.
for morality
is still a goal -
and a noble one!
why shouldn't it?
to disobey
your conscience
is an act of
inward treason.
whether I cloak
it in a shroud
of 'reason' or
social contract -
whatever words
conceal the cause,
I have still found
the long-sought goal.
morality and
no God in sight.
'a mind awake'
is terrifying,
but a conscience
life-shattering.
no god in sight,
but the conscience
must be appeased,
be satisfied.
with nothing more
than a dark fog
at his command,
what higher truth
does man possess
than this rela-
tive, entirely
progressive thought?
ancients spoke thus:
'fear of the LORD
is the begin-
ing of wisdom.'
let us be clear:
never was a
more backwards and
primitive thought
captured by the
record of men.
the label is just
and the contempt
absent of fault,
for religion
of hate and fear
is exericse
of rhetoric
by sacred priests.
elaborate
unnecessary
and militant
imposition
of one conscience
and so much more.
a benefit of
having no faith
unsubstantiate
is that I know
the bounds of
my grey beliefs.
tolerance comes
automatic
and I am thus
free from the one
universally
agreed grievance.
but I cannot
take credit for
this great light-burst.
instead I will
humbly exalt
the winding of
history and
my experiences,
random yet wise;
with these in mind,
self-righteousness
is beyond me.
a Christian said
'without immortality,
everything is permitted.'
here is an abyss,
something that
we dare not draw
near to.
the anarchy
of conscience is
progressive as
long as it is
not taken too
seriously.
it requires
composure, a
courage that can
quickly leave
if you unwisely
plug the depths
of genuine
anarchy.
but if we take a
swift step back,
we see that this
is merely an
example of
natural law:
all things found in
moderation.
I know of no
other way to
escape this piece
of incomplete
reductio
ad absurdum.
ev'ry honest
belief has a
god in function.
in sum, my god
is certainly
not what they, in
arrogance call
the God of gods.
unable to
place the crown
on a mere man's brow,
I set it on
the mantle of
no-God-conscience.
anything else
is backwards fear
or idolatry.
a quiet word
softly comes: to some
contemptible,
but I regard
it a noble
defense of will,
a rebellion.
15.10.06
some days..
are lonelier than others.
alas.
---
the fact of the matter is that I feel that pain, yet react either with foolish indulgence or with cowardly distraction.
a sin: to dwell in suffering via melodramatic poetics. to roll the pain around inside the heart, examining it from all angles; building up the sense of injustice or magnifying the frustration beyond its original form. the fault: idolatry, pride; the elevation of the despair's seeming solution to the status of saviour. a woman is not the solution to my heart's cry nor will she be my redeemer.
another sin: to walk away from suffering and hardship by laughter and calculated revelry. [to lay down the movement of infinity for the incomplete joy of a moment] parties, jokes and laughter are important and good; in their healthy form, they give perspective, not innoculation.
a more subtle sin: to feel pain, recognize that it's solution is beyond my hands, and then [the critical moment is here] set the matter aside (perhaps even "unto God") under the reasoning that it's outside my control.
fact: 'it is not good for man to be alone.'
consequence: frustration; tension; pain.
to rely on God in pain is a confrontation, a shooting war.
giving unconfronted pain to God is a lie.
---
I have seen many things. I have seen marriage in springtime and divorce amidst flowers. I have seen lovers' joy found in unknown war. I have seen love, the appearance of love, and the mockery of love - revealed in a couple within three moments. I have seen love come and give life anew; I have watched it die and poison all those near. I have seen the illusions of youthful words and the venom of aged hate. I have seen an evil man uncaring for any woman adored by many. I have seen a kind woman cry softly in the night, wishing for comfort and never finding it. I have seen the contempt of love rewarded with affection and the pursuit of love greeted with blood.
and I have seen it fade away as mist under the sun. as something that has substance only in darkness before the dawn.
---
what a piece of unjust shit.
seen through the eyes of an undeserving man - idolatrous and murderous - the whole matter is a spectacle. and that through a mere human's eyes.
how God's heart must break.
may my heart be broken alongside Christ's.
---
some days are lonelier than others. may we not run away from those days, lest our act of "trusting God" be mere emotional masturbation.
alas.
---
the fact of the matter is that I feel that pain, yet react either with foolish indulgence or with cowardly distraction.
a sin: to dwell in suffering via melodramatic poetics. to roll the pain around inside the heart, examining it from all angles; building up the sense of injustice or magnifying the frustration beyond its original form. the fault: idolatry, pride; the elevation of the despair's seeming solution to the status of saviour. a woman is not the solution to my heart's cry nor will she be my redeemer.
another sin: to walk away from suffering and hardship by laughter and calculated revelry. [to lay down the movement of infinity for the incomplete joy of a moment] parties, jokes and laughter are important and good; in their healthy form, they give perspective, not innoculation.
a more subtle sin: to feel pain, recognize that it's solution is beyond my hands, and then [the critical moment is here] set the matter aside (perhaps even "unto God") under the reasoning that it's outside my control.
fact: 'it is not good for man to be alone.'
consequence: frustration; tension; pain.
to rely on God in pain is a confrontation, a shooting war.
giving unconfronted pain to God is a lie.
---
I have seen many things. I have seen marriage in springtime and divorce amidst flowers. I have seen lovers' joy found in unknown war. I have seen love, the appearance of love, and the mockery of love - revealed in a couple within three moments. I have seen love come and give life anew; I have watched it die and poison all those near. I have seen the illusions of youthful words and the venom of aged hate. I have seen an evil man uncaring for any woman adored by many. I have seen a kind woman cry softly in the night, wishing for comfort and never finding it. I have seen the contempt of love rewarded with affection and the pursuit of love greeted with blood.
and I have seen it fade away as mist under the sun. as something that has substance only in darkness before the dawn.
---
what a piece of unjust shit.
seen through the eyes of an undeserving man - idolatrous and murderous - the whole matter is a spectacle. and that through a mere human's eyes.
how God's heart must break.
may my heart be broken alongside Christ's.
---
some days are lonelier than others. may we not run away from those days, lest our act of "trusting God" be mere emotional masturbation.
14.10.06
contempt for human life
A recently published study by The Lancet has made a lot of news by claiming a total civilian casualty count of over 650,000 deaths in Iraq over the past three and a half years.
Claim:
(i.) This study constitutes a deliberate and blatantly clear misrepresentation of civilian death in Iraq.
(ii.) As such, this study's agency is the death of innocent civilians towards political ends.
---
Consider Japan, 1943-1945:
~600,000 civilian casualties, the product of
- the only two wartime nuclear bombings in human history
- deliberate (and indiscriminate) firebombing campaigns against poorly built, wooden civilian targets
- attacks against civilian infrastructure with vectors far less precise than modern guided bombing
- loss of aforementioned infrastructure (i.e. sanitation, medical, et al effects)
- massive extended ground warfare in Okinawa (~100,000 casualties) and elsewhere.
...
Important note: the Lancet claim is more than an order of magnitude higher than the nearest (mildly credible) report. Sort of like measuring the length of your hand to be a meter long, and not after its been steamrolled.
---
Final note: deliberately misrepresenting civilian death as a means of 'advocacy' for the departed is neither just nor merciful. It is a transparent act of rivalry that subjects the death of thousands to the temporary goals of the self-righteous bystanders.
Claim:
(i.) This study constitutes a deliberate and blatantly clear misrepresentation of civilian death in Iraq.
(ii.) As such, this study's agency is the death of innocent civilians towards political ends.
---
Consider Japan, 1943-1945:
~600,000 civilian casualties, the product of
- the only two wartime nuclear bombings in human history
- deliberate (and indiscriminate) firebombing campaigns against poorly built, wooden civilian targets
- attacks against civilian infrastructure with vectors far less precise than modern guided bombing
- loss of aforementioned infrastructure (i.e. sanitation, medical, et al effects)
- massive extended ground warfare in Okinawa (~100,000 casualties) and elsewhere.
...
Important note: the Lancet claim is more than an order of magnitude higher than the nearest (mildly credible) report. Sort of like measuring the length of your hand to be a meter long, and not after its been steamrolled.
---
Final note: deliberately misrepresenting civilian death as a means of 'advocacy' for the departed is neither just nor merciful. It is a transparent act of rivalry that subjects the death of thousands to the temporary goals of the self-righteous bystanders.
4.10.06
brief update + hint of further thoughts
From our dining room table in Ballard:
Life is crazy right now. Fall quarter just started up last Wednesday (boo yah) and consequently my time has vanished.. for now. Since my last posting, we had:
- trip with Ian/Nathan to the Enchantments; unearthly beauty.
- Erica's wedding; solid celebration, so many loved ones.
- trip to Spokane to visit the Soundview family; also, so many loved ones..
- new quarter of classes.
Tomorrow shall be a good day in actuality and subjective perception: my sister's coming up and we'll:
1. make bomb curry to celebrate her 17th birthday
2. go out to see Derek Webb thereafter.
Looks like Klump and Jonathan will be able to make it too. Awesome.
---
This weekend I want to spent some time and flesh out some thoughts of late.
i.) Meditation on "His grace is sufficient for me"
ii.) Creating as an ever-present, dynamic aspect of God's character
iii.) The idolatry of balance (and thereby moralism)
iv.) Wrestles with how Jesus would have dealt with mass murder..
v.) Thoughts on abiding in the love of God and thereby loving God
For now, from the pen of Soren Kierkegaard:
"Through the conceiving of Christianity as doctrine, the situation in Christendom has become utter confusion, and the definition of what it is to be a Christian has become almost indistinguishable. Therefore Christ as the prototype must be advanced, but not in order to alarm - yet it is perhaps an altogether superfluous concern that anyone could be alarmed by Christianity nowadays - but in any case not in order to alarm; we ought to learn that from the experience of the earlier times. No, the prototype must be advanced in order at least to procure some respect for Christianity, to make somewhat distinguishable what it means to be a Christian, to get Christianity moved out of the realm of scientific scholarship and doubt and nonsense (objective) and into the realm of the subjective, where it belongs just as surely as the Savior of the world, our Lord Jesus Christ, did not bring any doctrine into the world and never delivered lectures, but as the prototype required imitation, yet by his reconciliation expels, if possible, all anxiety from a person's soul."
Life is crazy right now. Fall quarter just started up last Wednesday (boo yah) and consequently my time has vanished.. for now. Since my last posting, we had:
- trip with Ian/Nathan to the Enchantments; unearthly beauty.
- Erica's wedding; solid celebration, so many loved ones.
- trip to Spokane to visit the Soundview family; also, so many loved ones..
- new quarter of classes.
Tomorrow shall be a good day in actuality and subjective perception: my sister's coming up and we'll:
1. make bomb curry to celebrate her 17th birthday
2. go out to see Derek Webb thereafter.
Looks like Klump and Jonathan will be able to make it too. Awesome.
---
This weekend I want to spent some time and flesh out some thoughts of late.
i.) Meditation on "His grace is sufficient for me"
ii.) Creating as an ever-present, dynamic aspect of God's character
iii.) The idolatry of balance (and thereby moralism)
iv.) Wrestles with how Jesus would have dealt with mass murder..
v.) Thoughts on abiding in the love of God and thereby loving God
For now, from the pen of Soren Kierkegaard:
"Through the conceiving of Christianity as doctrine, the situation in Christendom has become utter confusion, and the definition of what it is to be a Christian has become almost indistinguishable. Therefore Christ as the prototype must be advanced, but not in order to alarm - yet it is perhaps an altogether superfluous concern that anyone could be alarmed by Christianity nowadays - but in any case not in order to alarm; we ought to learn that from the experience of the earlier times. No, the prototype must be advanced in order at least to procure some respect for Christianity, to make somewhat distinguishable what it means to be a Christian, to get Christianity moved out of the realm of scientific scholarship and doubt and nonsense (objective) and into the realm of the subjective, where it belongs just as surely as the Savior of the world, our Lord Jesus Christ, did not bring any doctrine into the world and never delivered lectures, but as the prototype required imitation, yet by his reconciliation expels, if possible, all anxiety from a person's soul."
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