are lonelier than others.
alas.
---
the fact of the matter is that I feel that pain, yet react either with foolish indulgence or with cowardly distraction.
a sin: to dwell in suffering via melodramatic poetics. to roll the pain around inside the heart, examining it from all angles; building up the sense of injustice or magnifying the frustration beyond its original form. the fault: idolatry, pride; the elevation of the despair's seeming solution to the status of saviour. a woman is not the solution to my heart's cry nor will she be my redeemer.
another sin: to walk away from suffering and hardship by laughter and calculated revelry. [to lay down the movement of infinity for the incomplete joy of a moment] parties, jokes and laughter are important and good; in their healthy form, they give perspective, not innoculation.
a more subtle sin: to feel pain, recognize that it's solution is beyond my hands, and then [the critical moment is here] set the matter aside (perhaps even "unto God") under the reasoning that it's outside my control.
fact: 'it is not good for man to be alone.'
consequence: frustration; tension; pain.
to rely on God in pain is a confrontation, a shooting war.
giving unconfronted pain to God is a lie.
---
I have seen many things. I have seen marriage in springtime and divorce amidst flowers. I have seen lovers' joy found in unknown war. I have seen love, the appearance of love, and the mockery of love - revealed in a couple within three moments. I have seen love come and give life anew; I have watched it die and poison all those near. I have seen the illusions of youthful words and the venom of aged hate. I have seen an evil man uncaring for any woman adored by many. I have seen a kind woman cry softly in the night, wishing for comfort and never finding it. I have seen the contempt of love rewarded with affection and the pursuit of love greeted with blood.
and I have seen it fade away as mist under the sun. as something that has substance only in darkness before the dawn.
---
what a piece of unjust shit.
seen through the eyes of an undeserving man - idolatrous and murderous - the whole matter is a spectacle. and that through a mere human's eyes.
how God's heart must break.
may my heart be broken alongside Christ's.
---
some days are lonelier than others. may we not run away from those days, lest our act of "trusting God" be mere emotional masturbation.
15.10.06
14.10.06
contempt for human life
A recently published study by The Lancet has made a lot of news by claiming a total civilian casualty count of over 650,000 deaths in Iraq over the past three and a half years.
Claim:
(i.) This study constitutes a deliberate and blatantly clear misrepresentation of civilian death in Iraq.
(ii.) As such, this study's agency is the death of innocent civilians towards political ends.
---
Consider Japan, 1943-1945:
~600,000 civilian casualties, the product of
- the only two wartime nuclear bombings in human history
- deliberate (and indiscriminate) firebombing campaigns against poorly built, wooden civilian targets
- attacks against civilian infrastructure with vectors far less precise than modern guided bombing
- loss of aforementioned infrastructure (i.e. sanitation, medical, et al effects)
- massive extended ground warfare in Okinawa (~100,000 casualties) and elsewhere.
...
Important note: the Lancet claim is more than an order of magnitude higher than the nearest (mildly credible) report. Sort of like measuring the length of your hand to be a meter long, and not after its been steamrolled.
---
Final note: deliberately misrepresenting civilian death as a means of 'advocacy' for the departed is neither just nor merciful. It is a transparent act of rivalry that subjects the death of thousands to the temporary goals of the self-righteous bystanders.
Claim:
(i.) This study constitutes a deliberate and blatantly clear misrepresentation of civilian death in Iraq.
(ii.) As such, this study's agency is the death of innocent civilians towards political ends.
---
Consider Japan, 1943-1945:
~600,000 civilian casualties, the product of
- the only two wartime nuclear bombings in human history
- deliberate (and indiscriminate) firebombing campaigns against poorly built, wooden civilian targets
- attacks against civilian infrastructure with vectors far less precise than modern guided bombing
- loss of aforementioned infrastructure (i.e. sanitation, medical, et al effects)
- massive extended ground warfare in Okinawa (~100,000 casualties) and elsewhere.
...
Important note: the Lancet claim is more than an order of magnitude higher than the nearest (mildly credible) report. Sort of like measuring the length of your hand to be a meter long, and not after its been steamrolled.
---
Final note: deliberately misrepresenting civilian death as a means of 'advocacy' for the departed is neither just nor merciful. It is a transparent act of rivalry that subjects the death of thousands to the temporary goals of the self-righteous bystanders.
4.10.06
brief update + hint of further thoughts
From our dining room table in Ballard:
Life is crazy right now. Fall quarter just started up last Wednesday (boo yah) and consequently my time has vanished.. for now. Since my last posting, we had:
- trip with Ian/Nathan to the Enchantments; unearthly beauty.
- Erica's wedding; solid celebration, so many loved ones.
- trip to Spokane to visit the Soundview family; also, so many loved ones..
- new quarter of classes.
Tomorrow shall be a good day in actuality and subjective perception: my sister's coming up and we'll:
1. make bomb curry to celebrate her 17th birthday
2. go out to see Derek Webb thereafter.
Looks like Klump and Jonathan will be able to make it too. Awesome.
---
This weekend I want to spent some time and flesh out some thoughts of late.
i.) Meditation on "His grace is sufficient for me"
ii.) Creating as an ever-present, dynamic aspect of God's character
iii.) The idolatry of balance (and thereby moralism)
iv.) Wrestles with how Jesus would have dealt with mass murder..
v.) Thoughts on abiding in the love of God and thereby loving God
For now, from the pen of Soren Kierkegaard:
"Through the conceiving of Christianity as doctrine, the situation in Christendom has become utter confusion, and the definition of what it is to be a Christian has become almost indistinguishable. Therefore Christ as the prototype must be advanced, but not in order to alarm - yet it is perhaps an altogether superfluous concern that anyone could be alarmed by Christianity nowadays - but in any case not in order to alarm; we ought to learn that from the experience of the earlier times. No, the prototype must be advanced in order at least to procure some respect for Christianity, to make somewhat distinguishable what it means to be a Christian, to get Christianity moved out of the realm of scientific scholarship and doubt and nonsense (objective) and into the realm of the subjective, where it belongs just as surely as the Savior of the world, our Lord Jesus Christ, did not bring any doctrine into the world and never delivered lectures, but as the prototype required imitation, yet by his reconciliation expels, if possible, all anxiety from a person's soul."
Life is crazy right now. Fall quarter just started up last Wednesday (boo yah) and consequently my time has vanished.. for now. Since my last posting, we had:
- trip with Ian/Nathan to the Enchantments; unearthly beauty.
- Erica's wedding; solid celebration, so many loved ones.
- trip to Spokane to visit the Soundview family; also, so many loved ones..
- new quarter of classes.
Tomorrow shall be a good day in actuality and subjective perception: my sister's coming up and we'll:
1. make bomb curry to celebrate her 17th birthday
2. go out to see Derek Webb thereafter.
Looks like Klump and Jonathan will be able to make it too. Awesome.
---
This weekend I want to spent some time and flesh out some thoughts of late.
i.) Meditation on "His grace is sufficient for me"
ii.) Creating as an ever-present, dynamic aspect of God's character
iii.) The idolatry of balance (and thereby moralism)
iv.) Wrestles with how Jesus would have dealt with mass murder..
v.) Thoughts on abiding in the love of God and thereby loving God
For now, from the pen of Soren Kierkegaard:
"Through the conceiving of Christianity as doctrine, the situation in Christendom has become utter confusion, and the definition of what it is to be a Christian has become almost indistinguishable. Therefore Christ as the prototype must be advanced, but not in order to alarm - yet it is perhaps an altogether superfluous concern that anyone could be alarmed by Christianity nowadays - but in any case not in order to alarm; we ought to learn that from the experience of the earlier times. No, the prototype must be advanced in order at least to procure some respect for Christianity, to make somewhat distinguishable what it means to be a Christian, to get Christianity moved out of the realm of scientific scholarship and doubt and nonsense (objective) and into the realm of the subjective, where it belongs just as surely as the Savior of the world, our Lord Jesus Christ, did not bring any doctrine into the world and never delivered lectures, but as the prototype required imitation, yet by his reconciliation expels, if possible, all anxiety from a person's soul."
6.9.06
quals & incomprehensibility
From a table at Verite Coffee in Ballard:
Qualifying exams start in eight days. At which point we can be tested on, well, *anything* that we should have learned including a large variety of things which we should have been taught (*cough* rehr *cough*) but weren't. Alas. Rather scary.
*September 13th-
- 0900 - Quantum Mechanics
- 1200 - Statistical Mechanics
- 1500 - Superbasic
*September 14th-
- 0900 - Electrodynamics
- 1200 - Classical Mechanics
With the exception of Hamilton-Jacobi theory and anharmonic quasi-frequencies, classical is done. So far, I've been able to complete every quantum test I've tried in less than 20-40 minutes with ~98% accuracy...
Brief digression: I've noticed consistently low expectations for students' abilities to *do* quantum since the beginning of undergrad, continuing through the present. Which is really quite sad. I don't know if that's a reflection of poor intuition for how quantum systems operate or the non-analytic solubility of most quantum problems, but either way it's dissapointing. Or perhaps I'm just really arrogant.
Similar feelings on the Superbasic (thorough knowledge of intro + modern). This leaves E/M and SM. I've spent most of the past week on E/M and have it up to the acceptable level of preparation.. which leaves me near-terrified about statmech. Fortunately, it looks like the next week is going to be the biggest crash course in my life to finally *really* learn what we should have understood after taking a freaking course in the subject during winter quarter. Thank God for the remaining time given.
---
In other recent news:
- Jim got his massive fish tank. It lights up our living room quite splendidly. He also just got a weight bench & such.. in the apparent hope of working out.
- We also just got a pullup bar. I confess I didn't know you could install them in your home until now.. and I'm really quite happy to be so presently informed. Pullups are a blessed gift straight from the Throne.
- Just finished campsitting for Dave/Sarah last week while they went off for a wedding. Was great for all concerned. 'Twas mighty nice to spend time on site.. and on the Woods. I need to get out there after quals and have some serious time at the waterfront with Jesus..
- Kathryn came up this past weekend.. I wish I didn't have to study for most of the time, but we still had a good amount of fun. She's maturing fast. I want to say that I can see God growing her in profound ways.. but I can't quite enumerate/articulate them definitively. Doesn't mean it isn't true though.
- Upon the longstanding recommendation from several folks, Jim and I picked up the first four episodes of '24' a couple nights ago from Hollywood video. Holy crap. Kathryn pointed out how much it pulled Jim/me into it.. apparently Jim bites his cuticles and I start going crazy playing with my beard when we're tense and don't think anyone's watching.
- Got to visit UPS for a bit last week... I'm really happy that folks are back. I look forward to going down as soon as possible.. Bryan is particularly on my mind and heart right now. God be with Him and make his way straight.
---
And now for a theological digresson:
In intellectual pursuits, it is revealing that the stated goal of the study of a subject is often to attain *mastery* of it. This mastery is perhaps best seen in the concise description of complicated abstractions therein and the competent defense of particular viewpoints within the whole. As a 20's-something male, I can attest to the sense of power that comes with both of the above. However, the interesting consequence is that this 'mastery' implies subset inclusion. In other words, subjects or aspects therein that I have mastered are smaller than me in the sense of understanding. To use more martial vocabulary, 'mastered' understanding is tantamount to conquest over the subject matter and the revelation of self-capacity. It need not proceed to contempt, but this certainly happens more often than not.
An interesting investigation from here involves looking at how God wants to keep us humble in the midst of intellectual pursuits where the 'mastery' involved is not illusory. However, let's go to something a little bigger.
I am unable to simultaneously be honest and competently defend things beyond my mastery: I must choose one or the other. But what of God and Jesus? Can I honestly claim to have mastered the knowledge and wisdom of God? Absolutely not.
All of my attempts to intellectually defend Christ are nothing more than the expression of contempt and foolish arrogance.
Perhaps a dry way of looking at this (but still with power) is via epistemology or the process of knowledge-gathering. The progression of the questions of Christianity for which we need knowledge goes thus:
1. Is there a God?
2. What is our relationship to Him?
3. If broken, how broken? If good, how good?
4. If broken, can it be reconciled? If, then how?
At every point, firm knowledge requires revelation. There is simply no other tool available. The measurement of internal parameters offers only speculation as to what lies outside. At this point, atheists rely on whatever a priori tools they can find to justify the epistemological leap of declaring the impasse to in fact constitute disproof. Agnostics may remain intellectually consistent by recognizing the possibility of revelation juxtaposed against an apparent lack (brought on by self-ignorance or genuine ignorance) of revelation. And Christians..
How is one to go and advocate an answer to any of the above questions with worldly means when their resolution demands revelation? Such intention is madness.
Thus informed, apologetics and the advocacy of our faith requires us to start at this simple fact: the revelation that is Christianity is incomprehensible to human understanding. The depths of sin are infinitely beyond anything that worldly wisdom can tell us. Consequently, the fulness of grace is also infinitely beyond human conception.
NOTE: This applies just as well for Christians as for non-Christians. The simple posession of words to describe evident phenomena does not imply understanding of the mechanism that produces them.
The resulting incomprehensibility of the Gospel and Jesus are utterly needed in our relationship with Christ and our presentation of His work to the unbelieving world.
And thus true and full wonder is sparked. Or rather lightning-bolted. And thus also our love for Jesus is made more of what it should be.
"Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those who believe, Christ the power of God and wisdom of God." - I Corinthians 1:17 (I think)
Qualifying exams start in eight days. At which point we can be tested on, well, *anything* that we should have learned including a large variety of things which we should have been taught (*cough* rehr *cough*) but weren't. Alas. Rather scary.
*September 13th-
- 0900 - Quantum Mechanics
- 1200 - Statistical Mechanics
- 1500 - Superbasic
*September 14th-
- 0900 - Electrodynamics
- 1200 - Classical Mechanics
With the exception of Hamilton-Jacobi theory and anharmonic quasi-frequencies, classical is done. So far, I've been able to complete every quantum test I've tried in less than 20-40 minutes with ~98% accuracy...
Brief digression: I've noticed consistently low expectations for students' abilities to *do* quantum since the beginning of undergrad, continuing through the present. Which is really quite sad. I don't know if that's a reflection of poor intuition for how quantum systems operate or the non-analytic solubility of most quantum problems, but either way it's dissapointing. Or perhaps I'm just really arrogant.
Similar feelings on the Superbasic (thorough knowledge of intro + modern). This leaves E/M and SM. I've spent most of the past week on E/M and have it up to the acceptable level of preparation.. which leaves me near-terrified about statmech. Fortunately, it looks like the next week is going to be the biggest crash course in my life to finally *really* learn what we should have understood after taking a freaking course in the subject during winter quarter. Thank God for the remaining time given.
---
In other recent news:
- Jim got his massive fish tank. It lights up our living room quite splendidly. He also just got a weight bench & such.. in the apparent hope of working out.
- We also just got a pullup bar. I confess I didn't know you could install them in your home until now.. and I'm really quite happy to be so presently informed. Pullups are a blessed gift straight from the Throne.
- Just finished campsitting for Dave/Sarah last week while they went off for a wedding. Was great for all concerned. 'Twas mighty nice to spend time on site.. and on the Woods. I need to get out there after quals and have some serious time at the waterfront with Jesus..
- Kathryn came up this past weekend.. I wish I didn't have to study for most of the time, but we still had a good amount of fun. She's maturing fast. I want to say that I can see God growing her in profound ways.. but I can't quite enumerate/articulate them definitively. Doesn't mean it isn't true though.
- Upon the longstanding recommendation from several folks, Jim and I picked up the first four episodes of '24' a couple nights ago from Hollywood video. Holy crap. Kathryn pointed out how much it pulled Jim/me into it.. apparently Jim bites his cuticles and I start going crazy playing with my beard when we're tense and don't think anyone's watching.
- Got to visit UPS for a bit last week... I'm really happy that folks are back. I look forward to going down as soon as possible.. Bryan is particularly on my mind and heart right now. God be with Him and make his way straight.
---
And now for a theological digresson:
In intellectual pursuits, it is revealing that the stated goal of the study of a subject is often to attain *mastery* of it. This mastery is perhaps best seen in the concise description of complicated abstractions therein and the competent defense of particular viewpoints within the whole. As a 20's-something male, I can attest to the sense of power that comes with both of the above. However, the interesting consequence is that this 'mastery' implies subset inclusion. In other words, subjects or aspects therein that I have mastered are smaller than me in the sense of understanding. To use more martial vocabulary, 'mastered' understanding is tantamount to conquest over the subject matter and the revelation of self-capacity. It need not proceed to contempt, but this certainly happens more often than not.
An interesting investigation from here involves looking at how God wants to keep us humble in the midst of intellectual pursuits where the 'mastery' involved is not illusory. However, let's go to something a little bigger.
I am unable to simultaneously be honest and competently defend things beyond my mastery: I must choose one or the other. But what of God and Jesus? Can I honestly claim to have mastered the knowledge and wisdom of God? Absolutely not.
All of my attempts to intellectually defend Christ are nothing more than the expression of contempt and foolish arrogance.
Perhaps a dry way of looking at this (but still with power) is via epistemology or the process of knowledge-gathering. The progression of the questions of Christianity for which we need knowledge goes thus:
1. Is there a God?
2. What is our relationship to Him?
3. If broken, how broken? If good, how good?
4. If broken, can it be reconciled? If, then how?
At every point, firm knowledge requires revelation. There is simply no other tool available. The measurement of internal parameters offers only speculation as to what lies outside. At this point, atheists rely on whatever a priori tools they can find to justify the epistemological leap of declaring the impasse to in fact constitute disproof. Agnostics may remain intellectually consistent by recognizing the possibility of revelation juxtaposed against an apparent lack (brought on by self-ignorance or genuine ignorance) of revelation. And Christians..
How is one to go and advocate an answer to any of the above questions with worldly means when their resolution demands revelation? Such intention is madness.
Thus informed, apologetics and the advocacy of our faith requires us to start at this simple fact: the revelation that is Christianity is incomprehensible to human understanding. The depths of sin are infinitely beyond anything that worldly wisdom can tell us. Consequently, the fulness of grace is also infinitely beyond human conception.
NOTE: This applies just as well for Christians as for non-Christians. The simple posession of words to describe evident phenomena does not imply understanding of the mechanism that produces them.
The resulting incomprehensibility of the Gospel and Jesus are utterly needed in our relationship with Christ and our presentation of His work to the unbelieving world.
And thus true and full wonder is sparked. Or rather lightning-bolted. And thus also our love for Jesus is made more of what it should be.
"Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those who believe, Christ the power of God and wisdom of God." - I Corinthians 1:17 (I think)
5.9.06
Derek Webb's coming to Seattle
Specifically, he's coming to my church:
- October 5th, 2006
- 6:45 PM
- Mars Hill Church Ballard
- $12/ticket
For tickets/directions, visit the Mars Hill Website.
If you are able to come, you're also invited to do some 'chillaxing' (in the words of K. Thorpe) in Ballard at our place after the performance.
Additionally: if you come, try to get there a bit early. Kathryn & I are going to go in when the doors open at 6:30 and it'd be awesome to have a group.
For more info about Derek Webb, you can visit his website.
- October 5th, 2006
- 6:45 PM
- Mars Hill Church Ballard
- $12/ticket
For tickets/directions, visit the Mars Hill Website.
If you are able to come, you're also invited to do some 'chillaxing' (in the words of K. Thorpe) in Ballard at our place after the performance.
Additionally: if you come, try to get there a bit early. Kathryn & I are going to go in when the doors open at 6:30 and it'd be awesome to have a group.
For more info about Derek Webb, you can visit his website.
3.9.06
on purity & chivalry [old thoughts]
From deep in the past (slash October 2005):
- context: follow-up from a pleasant late-night conversaton with Nita/Huyck about many things. of particular interest here was a female form of 'chivalry.'
---
I've been thinking about our conversation on Saturday night, namely the female "form of chivalry" and my impulsive word-vomit in response. Over thelast couple days, the thought has gone from being pregnant and not completely formed to.. less pregnant. Sort of like prairie-dogging a baby. Anyway, here goes.
When *most* folks think about purity, they think of chastity, innocence, and Brita water filters. I contend that there is an alternative form of purity thatgets sadly overlooked, especially for women. We'll call it the "purity of identity." The woman who knows who she is and who God made her to be has purity. The woman who remains who she graciously is in the face of cultural pressure and natural insecurity has purity. [As opposed to remaining who you are for self-satisfaction] The woman whose identity is submitted and given to God (not without continual battle) has purity.
All of these aspects of purity are serving to men in and out of relationship with the woman, in the same way that chivalry does not choose who to serve. For those not in a relationship, the woman's purity of identity humbles and sets back men who would try to pressure, manipulate, or take advantage of her. Her purity also shines forth the peace and grace that only come from being at peace with God in identity, regardless of her doubts and insecurities because she is given over to God no matter how she feels, and that act of giving over allows God to always radiate that peace and light to others. For a man in arelationship/marriage with her, her peace with God becomes an example to him tolay his self-imposed burdens down and yield to God. Her purity soothes and serves him in a way that I can't really describe, but simply *know.*
Someone might respond that the description of purity above is general and healthy for all Christians and thus shouldn't be considered with the feminine.In response, chivalry is identified with the masculine and yet the spiritual/life principles involved are universal. The reason why chivalry *is*generally discussed in a masculine context is the same why the purity above should be discussed often in the feminine: the spirit and support therein is most sorely lacking amongst the gender associated. Moreover, there is somethingthat cannot be completely nailed down inside women that responds powerfully toacts of chivalry; the same for men to the purity above. All of this being said, "sweetness" is also a good candidate. However, I think that sweetness follows from the spirit of purity in the same way that chivalry follows from the spirit of service and self-sacrifice. I guess that technically that does make "sweetness" the female form of chivalry, but the sustainable life of "sweetness" is *only* possible with the purity above. It must be the true root, the connection to God's purity and peace. A quick note: the woman who is pure in identity *will* wrestle with insecurity and social/cultural pressure from those near and far. The key isn't that she is excluded from what everyone else goes through, but in her identity's root in God *by* her submitting and giving it over to God.
---
Nearly a year later, I have this to add:
Kierkegaard relates despair as the dialectic partner to faith, and in defining despair he describes two categories:
- despair to will to be oneself
- despair not to will to be oneself.
The more awareness of self and of despair the deeper and more intense the despair becomes (simultaneously bringing closer and pushing further from faith).
How is this relevant?
For young men in the West, the Enemy's current primary tactic involves unawareness and ignorance of the self, thereby leading to unrecognized despair. Or, more sadistic: he helps reveal pieces of the self and then offers substitutes/distractions/ex post facto rationalizations as a means towards purposed ignorance [of the self].
For young women, the questions "who am I?" and "who should I be?" are never far from awareness, thrumming through the common pulse of shared culture. The questions are posed (i.) without fulfillment, leading to conscious despair/insecurity or (ii.) with fulfillment, leading to a misled state (rather than necessarily purposed) of self-ignorance.
In the original writing, the form of purity described is essentially the same as Kierkegaard's description of the state-of-faith/escape-from-despair (to will to be oneself, not to will to be oneself):
wherein the soul, in itself and in relating itself to itself, rests transparently before the Power that established it.
Thus the purity described above is properly viewed as the existence of and product of deep faith, brought about as an incomprehensible gift of grace.
This has the practical effect:
Seeking after this kind of purity is as futile as any other works-based salvation:
- if you think you've succeeded, you haven't.
- if you realize you haven't, your despair will intensify.
Ultimately, the closest thing that we can do to forcefully bring such faith into our lives is to submit. Thus the space for God and His perfect faith alive/purity alive in us.
- context: follow-up from a pleasant late-night conversaton with Nita/Huyck about many things. of particular interest here was a female form of 'chivalry.'
---
I've been thinking about our conversation on Saturday night, namely the female "form of chivalry" and my impulsive word-vomit in response. Over thelast couple days, the thought has gone from being pregnant and not completely formed to.. less pregnant. Sort of like prairie-dogging a baby. Anyway, here goes.
When *most* folks think about purity, they think of chastity, innocence, and Brita water filters. I contend that there is an alternative form of purity thatgets sadly overlooked, especially for women. We'll call it the "purity of identity." The woman who knows who she is and who God made her to be has purity. The woman who remains who she graciously is in the face of cultural pressure and natural insecurity has purity. [As opposed to remaining who you are for self-satisfaction] The woman whose identity is submitted and given to God (not without continual battle) has purity.
All of these aspects of purity are serving to men in and out of relationship with the woman, in the same way that chivalry does not choose who to serve. For those not in a relationship, the woman's purity of identity humbles and sets back men who would try to pressure, manipulate, or take advantage of her. Her purity also shines forth the peace and grace that only come from being at peace with God in identity, regardless of her doubts and insecurities because she is given over to God no matter how she feels, and that act of giving over allows God to always radiate that peace and light to others. For a man in arelationship/marriage with her, her peace with God becomes an example to him tolay his self-imposed burdens down and yield to God. Her purity soothes and serves him in a way that I can't really describe, but simply *know.*
Someone might respond that the description of purity above is general and healthy for all Christians and thus shouldn't be considered with the feminine.In response, chivalry is identified with the masculine and yet the spiritual/life principles involved are universal. The reason why chivalry *is*generally discussed in a masculine context is the same why the purity above should be discussed often in the feminine: the spirit and support therein is most sorely lacking amongst the gender associated. Moreover, there is somethingthat cannot be completely nailed down inside women that responds powerfully toacts of chivalry; the same for men to the purity above. All of this being said, "sweetness" is also a good candidate. However, I think that sweetness follows from the spirit of purity in the same way that chivalry follows from the spirit of service and self-sacrifice. I guess that technically that does make "sweetness" the female form of chivalry, but the sustainable life of "sweetness" is *only* possible with the purity above. It must be the true root, the connection to God's purity and peace. A quick note: the woman who is pure in identity *will* wrestle with insecurity and social/cultural pressure from those near and far. The key isn't that she is excluded from what everyone else goes through, but in her identity's root in God *by* her submitting and giving it over to God.
---
Nearly a year later, I have this to add:
Kierkegaard relates despair as the dialectic partner to faith, and in defining despair he describes two categories:
- despair to will to be oneself
- despair not to will to be oneself.
The more awareness of self and of despair the deeper and more intense the despair becomes (simultaneously bringing closer and pushing further from faith).
How is this relevant?
For young men in the West, the Enemy's current primary tactic involves unawareness and ignorance of the self, thereby leading to unrecognized despair. Or, more sadistic: he helps reveal pieces of the self and then offers substitutes/distractions/ex post facto rationalizations as a means towards purposed ignorance [of the self].
For young women, the questions "who am I?" and "who should I be?" are never far from awareness, thrumming through the common pulse of shared culture. The questions are posed (i.) without fulfillment, leading to conscious despair/insecurity or (ii.) with fulfillment, leading to a misled state (rather than necessarily purposed) of self-ignorance.
In the original writing, the form of purity described is essentially the same as Kierkegaard's description of the state-of-faith/escape-from-despair (to will to be oneself, not to will to be oneself):
wherein the soul, in itself and in relating itself to itself, rests transparently before the Power that established it.
Thus the purity described above is properly viewed as the existence of and product of deep faith, brought about as an incomprehensible gift of grace.
This has the practical effect:
Seeking after this kind of purity is as futile as any other works-based salvation:
- if you think you've succeeded, you haven't.
- if you realize you haven't, your despair will intensify.
Ultimately, the closest thing that we can do to forcefully bring such faith into our lives is to submit. Thus the space for God and His perfect faith alive/purity alive in us.
refocus
One of my character faults/peculiarities: building massive expectations and, when unable to live up to them, shut down that part of my life until I can perform 'properly.'
- really part of my larger strength-idolatry, which therein
- leads to exceptionally hard work
- as well as extreme disquiet when the expectation/strength god is not appeased
- is the reason I haven't updated here for a while.
The same dynamic is operative in journaling. And thus I successfully keep a journal for ~month at the longest.
Anyway, time to refocus this blog ad majorem gloria Dei rather than ad majorem gloria virek.
And so time for a fresh beginning.
- really part of my larger strength-idolatry, which therein
- leads to exceptionally hard work
- as well as extreme disquiet when the expectation/strength god is not appeased
- is the reason I haven't updated here for a while.
The same dynamic is operative in journaling. And thus I successfully keep a journal for ~month at the longest.
Anyway, time to refocus this blog ad majorem gloria Dei rather than ad majorem gloria virek.
And so time for a fresh beginning.
12.3.06
miscarriaged
that's how it feels now. it won't in a while, but it does now.
God, I give You my pain: take it, heal it, and walk with me. Take the torrent inside my heart and calm it; provide me with the peace of knowing that we are in Your hands, and rebuild what is now cracked.
Don't let this stop me from being Your servant/son and crying out Your glory.
---
Praise God, from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him, all creatures here below
Praise Him, above the heavenly host
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
The Author of Creation and Root of all good; the Redeemer who breaks the kingdom of the world; the Healer who lifts my head and will not suffer me to lose sight of Him.
Whatever feeble shell of honor I can give You, take it and perfect it; make it complete and wear it in the full sight of the Throne.
God, I give You my pain: take it, heal it, and walk with me. Take the torrent inside my heart and calm it; provide me with the peace of knowing that we are in Your hands, and rebuild what is now cracked.
Don't let this stop me from being Your servant/son and crying out Your glory.
---
Praise God, from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him, all creatures here below
Praise Him, above the heavenly host
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
The Author of Creation and Root of all good; the Redeemer who breaks the kingdom of the world; the Healer who lifts my head and will not suffer me to lose sight of Him.
Whatever feeble shell of honor I can give You, take it and perfect it; make it complete and wear it in the full sight of the Throne.
9.3.06
and thus ends winter quarter.. almost
I stand amazed: it simultaneously feels like this quarter has been going on for years and as though it just started. sort of like an extended version of the "every day an eternity and a moment" feeling I had through much of ups. decidedly different however: graduated life moves at a lot slower pace and things change much slower, perhaps at a much more realistic and natural pace. life has definitely been full however-
1. probably the top of the list would be the one thing I won't let myself write about publicly yet. it still deserves space because of its inherent coolness/mystery (I'm happy). suffice it to say that I would really appreciate prayer: for peace, for continuing patience, for wisdom, and for the simple ability to relax and enjoy a surpassing blessing. I apologize for the vagueness; perhaps it won't be necessary in too long, and perhaps it will. sad: I could write and talk and think about this for hours. alas. reality man.
2. physics and math have definitely consumed my life. didn't see that coming with the whole grad student thing. =p
- classes this quarter have been good (well, up to s&m with bulgac - oh, and "s&m" refers to statistical mechanics; the house name for the class is "s&m with bulgac" though). in terms of academic performance, they've been really good, for which I'm incredibly grateful. about five weeks or so was the low point of the year so far, where my brain just wasn't working and I was sick and tired of endless amounts of busy-work. and God has definitely carried me since then. and thus my thanks and praise. interesting though: I think my tiredness is definitely throwing off my perception, because I think I've been grateful and thankful and have consciously been aware/communicated-to-others the many ways that God's kept me going, and yet right now it feels as though I've been an unthankful whore, soaking up His blessings and then ignoring His kindness and running back to work and letting my spirit stay there. I don't know. praise God that His grace covers all of our sins and frees us both from things we actually do to separate ourselves from Him and the things we merely think and feel have offended God. it's so freaking powerful and good that it reconciles God's anger at us, and it reconciles our hearts back to him in entirety.
[I can tell I'm tired: I started out talking about classes and got on about grace, although it's probably not a fault to randomly interject about the goodness of God =p]
- for most of my life, I've known that I'm pretty smart, but I've never known just what kind of gift God had given until recently. it's a question that, even though I really didn't want it to linger, stuck around anyway (probably as a result of pride & curiosity). I don't find it weird that now that I'm starting to get an answer to the question, I don't really care anymore. a gift is simply that: a gift. powerful, sometimes eye-grabbing, but still a gift. and in this case, the full fruition of the gift only comes as a result of the Giver's continuing assistance and guidance. the way God's set that up is really cool I think: I can't take credit for my intelligence for my pride in the first place because I didn't give it to me, and second in order for the gift to be fully used, it requires His help all the freaking time (which again smacks down the development of pride). and that's just the human dimension (negative in this case - the structure helps defend us from sin) where satan uses our talents to try to make us think of ourselves as little gods. the positive/constructive is even cooler: the fulfilled/redeemed use of the gift is an offering unto heaven, finer than the sweetest music, and gives glory back to the Giver and brings Him happiness/joy.
I pray that my intelligence would consciously be attuned to the continuing glory of the Kingdom, particularly in the mundane (i.e. pages of useless algebra =p).
- logistically, this was supposed to be the most difficult quarter of the year and possibly the whole time in grad school. unfortunately, I may be taking my newfound freedom and getting too excited and thus geting overcommitted for next quarter:
1. physics 515 - e/m 3
2. physics 519 - quantum 3
3. physics 5?? - the paper class (easy)
4. math 546 - manifolds 3 (finally - we'll actually be able to take a derivative like two weeks into the last quarter of the freaking class :D)
5. physics 600 - group theory with kaplan
6. physics 600 - string theory project with karch
7. physics 503 - teaching seminar (doesn't really count)
all told, something like ~23 credits, or double standard load by the credit count. I pray I'm not going too far here.
- oh, and the string theory thing looks freaking awesome. to start out with, it'll just be classical mechanics on a curved background as a model for mesons and flux tubes (really surprising, and really cool). boo yah shaka (and it almost comes back to something physical).
God continues to be good. it cannot be emphasized enough.
this weekend's gonna be frikkin awesome too. yes.
---
Christ, I give the rest of this night to You. I delight in the rest that comes from sitting at Your feet and taking in Your light. Take my life and continue to redeem it, conform it to Your ways, and continue to give me Your mind and life.
In order for that to happen, You say that I must share in Your death (and thus share in Your Resurrection). Show me where I am holding back and where I am resisting Your call to plunge into death Jesus. Help me to submit and make it perfect.
Praise be to the King of Creation and Eternity.
1. probably the top of the list would be the one thing I won't let myself write about publicly yet. it still deserves space because of its inherent coolness/mystery (I'm happy). suffice it to say that I would really appreciate prayer: for peace, for continuing patience, for wisdom, and for the simple ability to relax and enjoy a surpassing blessing. I apologize for the vagueness; perhaps it won't be necessary in too long, and perhaps it will. sad: I could write and talk and think about this for hours. alas. reality man.
2. physics and math have definitely consumed my life. didn't see that coming with the whole grad student thing. =p
- classes this quarter have been good (well, up to s&m with bulgac - oh, and "s&m" refers to statistical mechanics; the house name for the class is "s&m with bulgac" though). in terms of academic performance, they've been really good, for which I'm incredibly grateful. about five weeks or so was the low point of the year so far, where my brain just wasn't working and I was sick and tired of endless amounts of busy-work. and God has definitely carried me since then. and thus my thanks and praise. interesting though: I think my tiredness is definitely throwing off my perception, because I think I've been grateful and thankful and have consciously been aware/communicated-to-others the many ways that God's kept me going, and yet right now it feels as though I've been an unthankful whore, soaking up His blessings and then ignoring His kindness and running back to work and letting my spirit stay there. I don't know. praise God that His grace covers all of our sins and frees us both from things we actually do to separate ourselves from Him and the things we merely think and feel have offended God. it's so freaking powerful and good that it reconciles God's anger at us, and it reconciles our hearts back to him in entirety.
[I can tell I'm tired: I started out talking about classes and got on about grace, although it's probably not a fault to randomly interject about the goodness of God =p]
- for most of my life, I've known that I'm pretty smart, but I've never known just what kind of gift God had given until recently. it's a question that, even though I really didn't want it to linger, stuck around anyway (probably as a result of pride & curiosity). I don't find it weird that now that I'm starting to get an answer to the question, I don't really care anymore. a gift is simply that: a gift. powerful, sometimes eye-grabbing, but still a gift. and in this case, the full fruition of the gift only comes as a result of the Giver's continuing assistance and guidance. the way God's set that up is really cool I think: I can't take credit for my intelligence for my pride in the first place because I didn't give it to me, and second in order for the gift to be fully used, it requires His help all the freaking time (which again smacks down the development of pride). and that's just the human dimension (negative in this case - the structure helps defend us from sin) where satan uses our talents to try to make us think of ourselves as little gods. the positive/constructive is even cooler: the fulfilled/redeemed use of the gift is an offering unto heaven, finer than the sweetest music, and gives glory back to the Giver and brings Him happiness/joy.
I pray that my intelligence would consciously be attuned to the continuing glory of the Kingdom, particularly in the mundane (i.e. pages of useless algebra =p).
- logistically, this was supposed to be the most difficult quarter of the year and possibly the whole time in grad school. unfortunately, I may be taking my newfound freedom and getting too excited and thus geting overcommitted for next quarter:
1. physics 515 - e/m 3
2. physics 519 - quantum 3
3. physics 5?? - the paper class (easy)
4. math 546 - manifolds 3 (finally - we'll actually be able to take a derivative like two weeks into the last quarter of the freaking class :D)
5. physics 600 - group theory with kaplan
6. physics 600 - string theory project with karch
7. physics 503 - teaching seminar (doesn't really count)
all told, something like ~23 credits, or double standard load by the credit count. I pray I'm not going too far here.
- oh, and the string theory thing looks freaking awesome. to start out with, it'll just be classical mechanics on a curved background as a model for mesons and flux tubes (really surprising, and really cool). boo yah shaka (and it almost comes back to something physical).
God continues to be good. it cannot be emphasized enough.
this weekend's gonna be frikkin awesome too. yes.
---
Christ, I give the rest of this night to You. I delight in the rest that comes from sitting at Your feet and taking in Your light. Take my life and continue to redeem it, conform it to Your ways, and continue to give me Your mind and life.
In order for that to happen, You say that I must share in Your death (and thus share in Your Resurrection). Show me where I am holding back and where I am resisting Your call to plunge into death Jesus. Help me to submit and make it perfect.
Praise be to the King of Creation and Eternity.
9.2.06
Crazy living
lordy. the past couple weeks (well, really the past month) have been ridiculous.
this week, however, has been downright pleasant. we have an e/m midterm in ~90 minutes and savage was gracious enough to let us actually study for the exam by not assigning a 10-hour-to-legitimately-complete problem set. as a result, I've had a chance to let my mind "rest" for the past couple of days and thereby regain my focus/clarity of thought. *that's* probably been the most frustrating aspect of school over the past few weeks - the lack of sharpness and perception.
anyway, God is freaking good:
- developments across the mountains that still make my heart..err.. flutter. there has to be a more masculine word for that. more to be written at the proper time; suffice it to say that it's thoroughly good.
- finally got hooked up with a community group at Mars Hill. all guys. good guys at that. which led to some confusion when I contacted the leader to join them and he assumed I was a woman because of the name. danish pride baby.
- out of the blue yesterday I was talking with one of my TAs about some stuff he was working on, and near the end of the conversation.. well, I may have a lead-in to some string theory work with andreas during the spring/summer. just came out of nowhere.
and now, class. and the sun is shining!
to the God immortal, invisible, and complete - amen.
---
"Beauty will save the world."
- Attributed to Lev Nikolaevich Myshkin [main character in Dostoevsky's "The Idiot"]
this week, however, has been downright pleasant. we have an e/m midterm in ~90 minutes and savage was gracious enough to let us actually study for the exam by not assigning a 10-hour-to-legitimately-complete problem set. as a result, I've had a chance to let my mind "rest" for the past couple of days and thereby regain my focus/clarity of thought. *that's* probably been the most frustrating aspect of school over the past few weeks - the lack of sharpness and perception.
anyway, God is freaking good:
- developments across the mountains that still make my heart..err.. flutter. there has to be a more masculine word for that. more to be written at the proper time; suffice it to say that it's thoroughly good.
- finally got hooked up with a community group at Mars Hill. all guys. good guys at that. which led to some confusion when I contacted the leader to join them and he assumed I was a woman because of the name. danish pride baby.
- out of the blue yesterday I was talking with one of my TAs about some stuff he was working on, and near the end of the conversation.. well, I may have a lead-in to some string theory work with andreas during the spring/summer. just came out of nowhere.
and now, class. and the sun is shining!
to the God immortal, invisible, and complete - amen.
---
"Beauty will save the world."
- Attributed to Lev Nikolaevich Myshkin [main character in Dostoevsky's "The Idiot"]
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